One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[T1000]

Anything out of what I already pay for will cause more debt for myself. MC will be paid for in my overdraft.

I'm currently trying to change the mortgage to make it more comfortable.

[sandi2]

Why were you disappointed she waited so,late to find a sitter? Did you check throughout the week? You know how she is. Has she ever been organized enough to do that in advance? She was going to wait till later to see if mother could be buttered up. Speaking as a grandmother with two lively little ones, I like to know well in advance. It is very inconsiderate to wait till the last minute.

If her sister has kids, maybe you all could trade out babysitting? Would be nice for an overnight babysitter. Someday.

Good job not letting her push your buttons. She may have bought the flowers herself, trying to make you jealous.

I believe she really responds well to you teasing and keeping things light. That part is important in getting the M back on track.

[lovethehub]

T,

You sound great!

At the time I was disappointed that she has had over two weeks to set this up and she hadn't. I didn't think to validate. She did seem sorry that she couldn't arrange one.
It's either her M, SF, S or maybe a friend unless we pay for one.

I know the feeling of putting off going out because of $ to pay a sitter, however, I am going to tell you it is as important as paying your mortgage. My H and I didn't go out for years because of $ and it really harmed our M. Take Sandi's advice and try to find someone to swap sitting with or some other solution because this is extremely important. If you have to use the $ for going out to spend on a sitter, go somewhere inexpensive - go to the park, bring a blanket and just hang out connecting; go to a coffee shop; it doesn't matter what you do but you need to do it.

There was very little to no opportunity for any affection. I was interested if she would initiate the hug we have been doing when I leave.

There is always opportunity for affection. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture..reach out and touch her arm when you laugh about something, put your hand on her leg when you are sitting together, hug her for no reason, kiss her hello, etc.

was interested if she would initiate the hug we have been doing when I leave.
As I was leaving I didn't initiate and W said:

--------------------------

W: Do you want your friendly hug?
Me: (Laughed) I will go and get your parking pass out of the car.
W: OK.

Instead of waiting on the step like she would normally she backed into the hall.

(Got the car pass)

Me: Gave her the pass.

Turned around to leave and she looked disappointed.

Me: What's up?
W: I want a hug.
Me: You want a hug, you can have a hug.

Hugged W, towards the end I ran ran hand down her back onto her ass.

Why are you making her ask for a hug? Are you trying to figure out where she is or is there another reason? Otherwise, having to ask for a hug really s8cks.

[labug]

You've received good advice from lth and G. If you want to play games, you'll get the same back. You want to show authentic love and affection WITHOUT EXPECTATION, you'll receive in kind but it will be a process for both of you.

[T1000]

Thanks for the input ladies!

I think I need to get it out of my head that her not getting a sitter or preplanning doesn't prove her interest or not.

Last Tuesday night we watched a movie and chilled out. W was on her phone a bit. It was a waste.

Sunday we chatted on the sofa, had dinner at the table and chatted. Totally different, very worth while. A sitter would be much better but we could do that many times and gain from it.

Affection never just meant sex but my M really did lack affection.
On Sunday we stood quite close when we were dishing the food up and she said that it felt like I was too close. Not in a I don't want to be close kind of way, it just felt weird to her.

I brushed her leg a few times when we talked and I took something out of her hair.

Hugging when I leave makes sense. Hugging for no reason right now would feel ridiculous to me. We are not in that place yet or at least I'm not. We need to be closer for that.
I will try more, it just feels like I'm missing a step. Come to think of it I have never really been affectionate before sex has taken place. I'm not saying affection implies or should lead to sex. It's like sex opens the door to affectionate feeling afterwards. After that point any affection at any time is suitable.

I was testing her with the hug towards the end. I wanted to know if the hug was something she was doing to be friendly because I wanted it or was it something she also wanted. I got my answer. I felt like I could follow up on the 'no underwear' comment in a cheeky way so that is why I grabbed her ass and I believe that has tweaked her interest a little this week.

I thought all things considered I have kept the sexual side of things toned down up to now, especially as that is something that she wants to happen sooner.

[T1000]

I think I am also concerned right now that if I put myself out there a lot it won't be reciprocated.
It's an awkward time because I feel like I'm in the middle. I'm trying to balance the pursuing, not enough and she goes cold, too much and she might run off.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I think I am also concerned right now that if I put myself out there a lot it won't be reciprocated.
It's an awkward time because I feel like I'm in the middle. I'm trying to balance the pursuing, not enough and she goes cold, too much and she might run off.

I totally get that. I feel exactly this way right now. I wish there was a manual for this situation. How do we pick up signals to know what to do?

[sandi2]

I believe the common message from the women here is to do the little touches. You don't have to have a reason, and it doesn't have to be a grand display. When you watch TV together, that is a perfect opportunity to do all those touches I explained a few posts ago. Most women want this in the R, and you said yourself there was never much affection in the M. If your W feels that the only way she gets affection from you is by having sex, that may tell you something right there Mr. T.

When you are there watching a movie, play, cut-up, tease, have fun with her. Of course, there is a time and place for everything. But I sure don't see anything wrong in you adding a little fun to the environment. It may help take away some of that "weirdness".

You can have fun times and still have your serious times. I know you want her to put forth effort this time around. And she may feel that she's doing it. She may be doing all that she knows how, IDK. It seems she responses well when you use that playful, sexy, tease. When a woman is "responding" and not "reacting", you should continue on.

The difference in female response from reaction is huge. Reaction is all the negative stuff, like anger, coldness, bitterness, rejection, spite, depressed, etc. Her responding to her man is quite the opposite. It is all those wonderful, positive things you love to see in her. She is warm, lovable, fun, happy, accepting, encouraging, and so on. So whatever you do that causes her to "respond".....means you're on the right track.

[T1000]

How much attention should I give her on a daily/weekly basis when we aren't together?
I'm so used to not contacting her.
If I think of reaching out should I?
At what point am I too much and at what point is not enough?
W sent me about 2-3 pics of the kids and other things yesterday. Nothing today.

Last night I saw a funny pic and sent it to her. Never heard anything back. That's fine as it wasn't a question just a funny pic.
If someone sends me a pic I always reply with something even if just a :-)

Now do I take her not replying as something or nothing? I tell myself that I have made contact so she must be the one to make it next. Is that me being protective of my position or is that too OTT?

I'm probably over thinking this but I feel like I don't have any rules about this to follow right now.

[T1000]

Right now things are tough financially.

The house has been on the market for a few months. No offers so far and I'm running out of money and getting further into debt.

I'm looking at remortgaging it so I can stay put and make life more comfortable.

Do I discuss any of this with W?

I don't want to involve her as right now it's up to me what I do.
She is AFAIK is wanting to get the house sold so we can pay off debts and start fresh (these were her comments from last month, as in fresh start, apart).

The debt would be paid off but there would next to nothing left for a down payment on a house or renting and the cost involved with moving.

It's just not something I want to have to deal with right now. It's not something that our R could cope with right now. We have never agreed on money situations.

If I don't include her am I being deceptive? If I do I believe it won't end well.

Currently I give her £££ a month for the kids and I pay her car insurance. Other than that our finances are completely separate she only knows what she knew when she left and I know nothing about hers.
If we D'd she would be entitled to 1/2 of the house or 1/2 of what is left after it sold and debt paid off.