What do I do?

[lovethehub]

StH,

I know this is really hard and that from LBS perspective it should be simple to just "choose" and that the obvious choice should be your family. It really is not that simple for the WAS, it took me 3 years to choose my H and family. I wasn't involved with OM that whole time, however, I just could not get to the place where I was truly ready to commit to my M again. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that it took years for the M to get to the point where your H checked out enough to become involved with someone else. For me, and I assume for many, you are so far out of the marriage emotionally by that point that it is hard to imagine going back to the pain that led you to believe having an A was a good idea in the first place. While you may not have been aware how unhappy your H was, that doesn't mean it wasn't going on for a long time. It was 4-5 years for me and 3 of them where I was so lonely I couldn't bear it. It doesn't make my A okay, I am just explaining how someone can get to the point and then feel so confused they really aren't ready to make a choice.

So, I don't know. What do I say to this? He is constantly saying he's confused. Do I ignore it? Laugh at it? Argue with it? No. That's not good. Don't want to remind him of the "conflict" he feels at home/ with me.

Simply say "It must be hard to feel so confused every day" "Yes, I see you are confused". Short statements that point out HE is the one who is confused.

So. He's still making confused comments. But obviously his actions are not confused. He has moved out, filed for a divorce and has a girlfriend. He's not confused. He knows what he wants...and from where I'm sitting, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is giving me *just enough* talk to keep me hanging on...in case things don't work out with her.

However, your H continues to make comments about a future because he IS confused. I know for me, I knew deep inside I would regret it if I left my H - I just didn't know why. When he wanted to work things out after he found out about my A, wanted to go to MC, wanted to go on dates, etc.., I was so angry inside. I thought to myself, "NOW you want to do all of the things I have talked about over the years? Now that I found someone else and I am happy again?"

You are the only one who can decide what you want and what you are willing to do. I do agree with you putting your foot down and telling him no more sex. My H being so willing to make things work probably dragged things out a lot longer because when I finally realized he was truly done with my BS, I got clear on what I wanted.

I did a bit of a 180 yesterday and today. Pretty much every time he's been over to get the kids we end up in my bedroom talking about the relationship...always initiated by him but then I end up doing most of the talking. He always just says he's got a lot to think about, thinking about what I said, processing, letting it marinate, etc.. But never really says anything of substance.

Yesterday when he came over we were in my room and he said, "I guess we need to have our usual talk" and I just happily said, "nope, I think we've said everything twice"

I think it is great that you refused to get into the R conversation. When you say this, just smile and say it kindly. Do not mention OW, EVER. It isn't worth it.

The best thing you can do is to focus on you, to start digging deep and decide who you are and who you want to be. Then, move forward with that. After 3 years as WAW, I became LBS. That is when I started figuring myself out and growing as a person. That is what saved our M..well, I believe it will ultimately be saved. We are still working on it but we get stronger each day.

Does anyone ever get this far with a divorce and change their minds? I really think he's done and I should just say what I want to say and stop worrying about saving this marriage because it isn't going to happen.

Yes, people have been divorced and remarried. A great way to learn and grow is to read as many other threads as you can. Find some that seem similar to yours and read them, paying close attention to advice from the vets..you will know who they are by the way they write and make you think! Add them to your watched topic list and keep up with them.

I'm starting to not care about DB (definitely still GAL, etc... I just mean the validating, saying the right stuff part) because I'm starting to feel like we're so far gone there's no hope for us anyway. I just can't imagine he will ever be able to come out of his confusion, decide he wants this and do the work to make it happen.

You will know when you are done and ready to walk away from your M. In the meantime, you will have many days/weeks where you think you want to but deep inside you don't. Do not pretend you want to, fool yourself into thinking you do, etc. When you know without a doubt you are done, you are done but as someone else posted in here, be careful you don't say it and wake up the next morning regretting it.

As you will read in here "this is a marathon, not a sprint". It is easy to get frustrated, just pick yourself up after you are done and go back to DBing.

Remember, DBing is for YOU. It may save your M, we don't know. It doesn't sound like your H knows what he wants at all. When you stop the daily phone calls and he realizes you may not be there waiting for him, it will force him to start thinking more about the situation.

Validating can also be for you. Think about it this way - which will make you feel better after a conversation: getting drawn into an argument and/or pointing out what he needs to do and then not getting it, or, simply saying "it must be hard to feel confused every day". When I began interacting w/my H in a new way, I felt so much better about myself and the energy in our home became a lot more positive. I know H is out, but even when you are around each other positive energy feels a lot better than negative energy.

I understand it is hard to take the focus off of H and OW, and put it on yourself, however, it is exactly what you need to start working on. It will help you get clear on what you want.

Hang in there. Btw, to link a new thread go to FAQs and down near the bottom look at 'Can I attach a file to my post'