What do I do?

[sthelen]

Feeling slightly better today.

He's coming by to get the kids today. I'm DBing...dressed in real clothes, not gym clothes, wearing make up and have my hair down. Those were big complaints for him...I always wear gym clothes.

And just trying to accept my future. A divorce looks pretty unavoidable at this point. But my therapist says a divorce is just the legal marriage, not the relationship. Anything can happen in the future.

[sthelen]

I need some DB answers.

I did a bit of a 180 yesterday and today. Pretty much every time he's been over to get the kids we end up in my bedroom talking about the relationship...always initiated by him but then I end up doing most of the talking. He always just says he's got a lot to think about, thinking about what I said, processing, letting it marinate, etc.. But never really says anything of substance.

Yesterday when he came over we were in my room and he said, "I guess we need to have our usual talk" and I just happily said, "nope, I think we've said everything twice"

Same thing when he stopped by this morning. He asked if there was anything we needed to talk about. I just said Nope.

So. He's still making confused comments. But obviously his actions are not confused. He has moved out, filed for a divorce and has a girlfriend. He's not confused. He knows what he wants...and from where I'm sitting, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is giving me *just enough* talk to keep me hanging on...in case things don't work out with her.

Yesterday he said:

-"we could buy a house in XX*

(a neighborhood near his work...like he's planning a future for us. I'm selling our current house to down size since I'll be a single mom. And he just threw that out there for the 2nd or 3rd time. Reality is he won't be able to afford a house in that neighborhood after his child/ spousal support obligations. He isn't buying a house there if he divorces me! But why give me hope of us actually living together again?!)

- he told me about lunch with his best friend on Thursday and said he was discussing life/ marriage with his friend. His friend told him, "man, you don't know what you want!" and my husband said his response was "no, no I don't"

-he told me he thinks he has a brain tumor that made him go crazy in the last year (crazy being understood as having an affair and leaving his family). I just laughed at that one. My DB coach said laughter is good.

So, I don't know. What do I say to this? He is constantly saying he's confused. Do I ignore it? Laugh at it? Argue with it? No. That's not good. Don't want to remind him of the "conflict" he feels at home/ with me.

Point out that the reason he's so confused is that he has a girlfriend?!?! If she would get out of the picture, completely...I'm pretty confident his confusion would lift!! It's infuriating. He is confusing himself!! Adding to his confusion!! Get her out of the picture!

And I'm getting to the point where his confused comments are
p!ss!ng me off. This isn't a freaking buffet! You aren't picking between the chicken and the pork chop. This is your family! How could you not know you want to save it? And if it means so little to him...do I really want him back? I want someone that would fight like he!! and protect their family at all costs...like he used to.

[chasingpavements]

Yesterday when he came over we were in my room and he said, "I guess we need to have our usual talk" and I just happily said, "nope, I think we've said everything twice"

I think you did the right thing by not getting drawn into the relationship talk and just answering with a quick, one line answer. Unless he comes up with something different to contribute to the conversation, you have already talked about the same stuff over and over again getting nowhere!

When he makes the comments about being confused and not having an answer, I would just VALIDATE, quickly though. Like one sentence where you reply with something like, "I could understand how you feel that way, it is confusing right now." and leave it at that. I am guessing there is some good info on this forum regarding "validating", Does anyone on here know where to find a link on the forum with info about validating? It is something that I need to work on as well.

As per Sandi2's rules, limit relationship talk as it equals pressure. Sounds like you and I are in the same boat, our H's make so many different and confusing statements. I can tell that my H is really having a hard time with everything, because he does not have an answer for me either. And it's true, they really don't know, they are lost right now. So just give it space and time.

As for the OW, that is unfair how he is treating you. I would tell him that you have nothing more to talk about with him until he cuts off everything with OW. Does that sound appropriate? Does anyone else have an opinion regarding this?

take care,
-cp

[sthelen]

I think validating his confusion would be accurate...I can understand...I'm starting to feel confused myself.

[sthelen]

I would really appreciate some advice.

Also, how do I link back to this thread if I start a new one? This one is getting pretty long.

[sthelen]

I really feel like sending him an email and saying I call BS that you're confused, take some action to prove it or stop talking to me about it.

His actions definitely say he is not confused.

Does anyone ever get this far with a divorce and change their minds? I really think he's done and I should just say what I want to say and stop worrying about saving this marriage because it isn't going to happen.

I'm starting to not care about DB (definitely still GAL, etc... I just mean the validating, saying the right stuff part) because I'm starting to feel like we're so far gone there's no hope for us anyway. I just can't imagine he will ever be able to come out of his confusion, decide he wants this and do the work to make it happen.

I'm starting to feel like the WAS. I deserve better. I have offered him nothing but compassion and grace and patience for 5 months and he has treated me like crap.

I have my 6th and final DB call on Friday. I'm going to be on my best DB behavior until then but I really think I'm losing steam.

He is all in with his girlfriend. I can not be Plan B. It makes my stomach turn.

[sthelen]

But then there's a tiny voice in my head that says it's only been 4 weeks since I confirmed the affair...maybe he's trying to figure out how to get out of it? I don't know. I think that's just wishful thinking.

You take a stand for your family, tell her to buzz off and honor your commitments!

I have known about her since April (though he lied about it, just talking at that point, now I know it's been physical for months) and once in May and again in July when he said he wanted to work on the marriage I said OK, but what about her. You can't work on the marriage with her in the background. Both times he told me in the morning OK, he wants to work on it...then that same night he said never mind, we're done. Can't do it. But it has nothing to do with her. Ha!

So obviously he hasn't figured out how to get out of it yet...I don't think he's even trying or ever going to. He just wants me to hang around in case it doesn't work out.

[sthelen]

Obviously I'm feeling pretty fed up tonight.

[sthelen]

I typed a letter to him. I didn't send it but it felt good to unload all of that junk from my head. I have therapy tomorrow and a DB call on Friday. I won't send it before both of those, and maybe not at all.

I do think I will end up sending him something about my boundaries. I can not deal with the daily relationship calls about how confused he is or continue being intimate.

He isn't confused, he's cake eating. He knows what he wants...he wants it all! And I have to stop enabling that.

[lovethehub]

StH,

I know this is really hard and that from LBS perspective it should be simple to just "choose" and that the obvious choice should be your family. It really is not that simple for the WAS, it took me 3 years to choose my H and family. I wasn't involved with OM that whole time, however, I just could not get to the place where I was truly ready to commit to my M again. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that it took years for the M to get to the point where your H checked out enough to become involved with someone else. For me, and I assume for many, you are so far out of the marriage emotionally by that point that it is hard to imagine going back to the pain that led you to believe having an A was a good idea in the first place. While you may not have been aware how unhappy your H was, that doesn't mean it wasn't going on for a long time. It was 4-5 years for me and 3 of them where I was so lonely I couldn't bear it. It doesn't make my A okay, I am just explaining how someone can get to the point and then feel so confused they really aren't ready to make a choice.

So, I don't know. What do I say to this? He is constantly saying he's confused. Do I ignore it? Laugh at it? Argue with it? No. That's not good. Don't want to remind him of the "conflict" he feels at home/ with me.

Simply say "It must be hard to feel so confused every day" "Yes, I see you are confused". Short statements that point out HE is the one who is confused.

So. He's still making confused comments. But obviously his actions are not confused. He has moved out, filed for a divorce and has a girlfriend. He's not confused. He knows what he wants...and from where I'm sitting, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is giving me *just enough* talk to keep me hanging on...in case things don't work out with her.

However, your H continues to make comments about a future because he IS confused. I know for me, I knew deep inside I would regret it if I left my H - I just didn't know why. When he wanted to work things out after he found out about my A, wanted to go to MC, wanted to go on dates, etc.., I was so angry inside. I thought to myself, "NOW you want to do all of the things I have talked about over the years? Now that I found someone else and I am happy again?"

You are the only one who can decide what you want and what you are willing to do. I do agree with you putting your foot down and telling him no more sex. My H being so willing to make things work probably dragged things out a lot longer because when I finally realized he was truly done with my BS, I got clear on what I wanted.

I did a bit of a 180 yesterday and today. Pretty much every time he's been over to get the kids we end up in my bedroom talking about the relationship...always initiated by him but then I end up doing most of the talking. He always just says he's got a lot to think about, thinking about what I said, processing, letting it marinate, etc.. But never really says anything of substance.

Yesterday when he came over we were in my room and he said, "I guess we need to have our usual talk" and I just happily said, "nope, I think we've said everything twice"

I think it is great that you refused to get into the R conversation. When you say this, just smile and say it kindly. Do not mention OW, EVER. It isn't worth it.

The best thing you can do is to focus on you, to start digging deep and decide who you are and who you want to be. Then, move forward with that. After 3 years as WAW, I became LBS. That is when I started figuring myself out and growing as a person. That is what saved our M..well, I believe it will ultimately be saved. We are still working on it but we get stronger each day.

Does anyone ever get this far with a divorce and change their minds? I really think he's done and I should just say what I want to say and stop worrying about saving this marriage because it isn't going to happen.

Yes, people have been divorced and remarried. A great way to learn and grow is to read as many other threads as you can. Find some that seem similar to yours and read them, paying close attention to advice from the vets..you will know who they are by the way they write and make you think! Add them to your watched topic list and keep up with them.

I'm starting to not care about DB (definitely still GAL, etc... I just mean the validating, saying the right stuff part) because I'm starting to feel like we're so far gone there's no hope for us anyway. I just can't imagine he will ever be able to come out of his confusion, decide he wants this and do the work to make it happen.

You will know when you are done and ready to walk away from your M. In the meantime, you will have many days/weeks where you think you want to but deep inside you don't. Do not pretend you want to, fool yourself into thinking you do, etc. When you know without a doubt you are done, you are done but as someone else posted in here, be careful you don't say it and wake up the next morning regretting it.

As you will read in here "this is a marathon, not a sprint". It is easy to get frustrated, just pick yourself up after you are done and go back to DBing.

Remember, DBing is for YOU. It may save your M, we don't know. It doesn't sound like your H knows what he wants at all. When you stop the daily phone calls and he realizes you may not be there waiting for him, it will force him to start thinking more about the situation.

Validating can also be for you. Think about it this way - which will make you feel better after a conversation: getting drawn into an argument and/or pointing out what he needs to do and then not getting it, or, simply saying "it must be hard to feel confused every day". When I began interacting w/my H in a new way, I felt so much better about myself and the energy in our home became a lot more positive. I know H is out, but even when you are around each other positive energy feels a lot better than negative energy.

I understand it is hard to take the focus off of H and OW, and put it on yourself, however, it is exactly what you need to start working on. It will help you get clear on what you want.

Hang in there. Btw, to link a new thread go to FAQs and down near the bottom look at 'Can I attach a file to my post'