Living in the Now(or how Ruby got her groove back)

[subguy]

It constantly amazes me how their pain is exhibited. Some walk away without a seeming care and absolutely no contact (thats mine), others act like high school children with their crotches on fire banging anything that moves and then theirs the confused ones back/forth, up/down, hot/cold wishy washy. However the common thread I see is an abandonment of responsibility... Must be hell to have that much pain to do that to themselves.

Take care Ruby, duck into your foxhole and wait for the shelling to stop. Your doing great... your amazingly strong, not sure if I could endure what you have.

[MrCAS]

*Hits LIKE button on that one, sg...

[labug]

Ruby, do you ever think that maybe you need to really step back and let him go so that he can do whatever he needs to do? (excuse me if we had this convo before and you answered in the negative)

I have a sitch with my S20 right now who needs to do a lot of things to stand on his own 2 feet. He has to figure out his path and walk it, I can't be a part of it. I know the R in the situations are vastly different but human nature is human nature. What would happen if you didn't talk to him for a week, 2 weeks (oh, this is sounding really familiar)? I know it's scary to test that but it may be necessary. As I've said about my son, I have to do what's best for him not what's least painful for me.

I think it's great that you have a (more than)friendly R with your H but is it moving you forward? Is it moving your R forward or are you maintaining status quo? It may be, only you can answer that.

And about the guy you're dating, I know I asked elsewhere about your thesis...did he sign a human subjects consent? Is he aware he's part of an experiment? Yes, I am a literal thinker. Every time I read your moniker for him, I think about how I would feel if I found out I was part of a plan I knew nothing about, especially if I wanted to continue seeing the other person, was developing feelings for the other person.

However, if you said "Dude, I'm working through some sh!t with my H right now, are you good with that?" and he responded with "Cool" that's great for both of you.

[JuneReN]

You have some super valid points Bug and I deserve 2x4 for sure. That us what this date is for and I really shouldn't call him SE2 anymore because I surprised myself by feeling the beginning of a connection. So you are right. It isn't fair.

There have been weeks where contact was just kid related finance related etc. but we always drift back into each others gravity.

Actually H and I had the " time apart" talk today and I said that he had to do what he had to do. We've discussed how being in each others lives may not allow is to move forward.

I am good with this path I am on and know h must walk his without interference.

Love doesn't mean he doesn't make me insane sometimes and the analogy between your S and my H stands. While you would let S walk his path you would also be a place he could rest should he falter, no? I am not saying you would help him up just give him shade or something to lean on until he got going again.

H and I are still so very connected in many ways and are beginning to build a strong friendship. While I have been unraveling our ties it is a slow process.

He will figure this out. Just as he figures out that he must sabotage anything in his life that he feels he does not deserve.

Me? While I post I tend to use it as a sounding board or to spill feelings that are inside. Guess I should journal on paper. Lol

All my marriage I drew away and was aloof. Our relationship now is probably the best it has ever been. So how do I balance this better ?

Happy to take advice :))

[labug]

While you would let S walk his path you would also be a place he could rest should he falter, no? I am not saying you would help him up just give him shade or something to lean on until he got going again.

Good question, one I've done a lot of soul-searching about over the last couple of weeks and the answer has to be, if he asks. I've done much more than that over the last couple of years in the guise of helping and he's stuck. There are extenuating circumstances as he has a serious anxiety related disorder and I've let that interfere with my letting go and allowing him to solve his own problems. It's a thin line to walk and a 20 year old son and a 40 year old spouse are very different in experience and ability but letting go is still letting go.

I'm learning again what detaching with love means.

Me? While I post I tend to use it as a sounding board or to spill feelings that are inside. Guess I should journal on paper. Lol

No, but I think we come here to get differing viewpoints, a new way of looking at things to test our own automatic assumptions. I've gained more from those here who have pushed me to think in a different way. Once I got past my defensiveness, I loved the hard questions.

So how do I balance this better ?

The only advice I have is what I tell everyone pretty consistently, be who you want to be no matter if H is in the picture or not.

Leave him to his own devices.

He knows where you are.

Val gave some good advice a few pages back. She is one here who has always made me see things in a very different way. Still can't believe she's such a young thang!

[labug]

Good question, one I've done a lot of soul-searching about over the last couple of weeks and the answer has to be, if he asks.

I need to clarify this for me: if he asks but i won't be walking behind him with an sun shade or hovering waiting on him to falter. He's going to have to work at a solution and search me out if he needs me. I can't let him think I don't believe he can do it on his own.

Thanks for helping me work through this.

[keep_going]

Perhaps our definitions of letting go are all different - and that is ok too, as long as they work for each of us...


Thanks to both you lovely ladies for all the food for thought.

(((((ruby & bug)))))

[JuneReN]

Thanks KG, thank Bug, who is always willing to get me thinking

My next question is:

What does asking for help look like? If it looked like "Hey I need help" many of us would not be in this situation.

I think it looks different to different people.

H has expressed the need for time and space, but circled back
He has asked that I be patient if he seems "unavailable" but most times begins the dance again
He said recently we need to be whole before we can travel any path together, I agree, then he calls or texts.

It is a push/pull and I know this. Funnily enough, last week I was good. Really good. Then I got sucked into the vortex again.

It is not about the hurt or the detachment, both really don't occur anymore.

While I am still on the path, it probably is not the quickest route (very winding and really scenic lmao)

Don't know about H's path, but if he is telling me he has to figure this one out and to be patient, then I will do as he asks

[JuneReN]

Subguy..

Yes.

That is a huge amount of pain and stuff to deal with. Who am I to say how one deals? I can only choose to deal for me

[RosaLinda]

Ruby "I have a kind of unshakeable feeling that this is the right thing. H is my person. I love him and am letting it go"

It's hard but necessary right? My H is my man too, and I love him so am setting him free. We don't have nearly as good a relationship as you two do, Ruby, but it hurts like hell. 

Ruby "Don't know about H's path, but if he is telling me he has to figure this one out and to be patient, then I will do as he asks

That is a huge amount of pain and stuff to deal with. Who am I to say how one deals? I can only choose to deal for me"

None of our sitches are exactly the same (I dare say none comes close to yours Ruby). And we can't know what anyone else is truly feeling or going thru, just the little bit he or she is able to reveal thru their words on this forum, but I think we can understand each other's motivations better than the rest of the world can. 

Most of us are here because we have chosen to stand for our marriages. While the concept is similar, that also looks a little different for each of us. 

Ruby you do what you need to, work it out the best you can. I have a lot of hope for your marriage. I think you do too. I think it is great that you have decided to be there for your H, while patiently giving him time and space to work it out. 

And whether it does work out or not, in the end you will be glad to know that you did your best for him. That you were there for him. And you'll be able to live with yourself because you didn't give up. I do so admire you!

Sorry H has changed his mind about moving a third time, NGF must have thawed a bit. Or pushed a bit. It's a good reminder to me, H's OW hurts me so much, I hate her and am so jealous of her. But probably, like NGF, she's jealous of me too. 

Labug "However, if you said "Dude, I'm working through some sh!t with my H right now, are you good with that?" and he responded with "Cool" that's great for both of you."

Of course she did. Maybe not those exact words, but Ruby is nothing if not honest and honorable. The nickname SE2 is to protect HER heart from getting too close, and you can see Labug, that it isn't working too well.