Still about the W

[Whiterose]

sounds like it was a lovely weekend....I'm happy for you (and your girls) way to go!

[Verum]

Hi WhiteRose, thanks.

My W and I had an interesting discussion yesterday. She came back from the gym at around 9pm, and told me she went to the bar with a guy friend. He has 3 little kids, all of who started school. My W was talking to him, warning him about MLC and his W.

We then had a brief discussion about MLC. My W links it to W being home with kids, missing out on career, and then when the kids are older, feeling kinda of lost.

I don't know if her acknowledging the MLC changes much. She still, no doubt, feels the way she feels. Except now she has a name for it. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see if I notice any changes in her or her interaction with me and the kids.

Anyway, we are settling into the school year schedule now that all 3 kids are back in school.

[Whiterose]

I think that her acknowledging it is huge. Don't underestimate a "name" on the way you feel. My H is convinced there's nothing wrong with him, before here I told a few people I suspected it and it got back to him, so now he continues to deny it against ALL evidence.

Women GENERALLY research things they feel are wrong with them. Odds are that if she has acknowledged it she's going to research it.....I hope this means she starts to make positive change from it .

[RosaLinda]

FC "We then had a brief discussion about MLC. My W links it to W being home with kids, missing out on career, and then when the kids are older, feeling kinda of lost. 

I don't know if her acknowledging the MLC changes much. She still, no doubt, feels the way she feels. Except now she has a name for it. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see if I notice any changes in her or her interaction with me and the kids."

I agree with Rose, SA, that the fact that your W has recognized that she is going thru a MLC might be the impetus she needs to get help. What I don't know, have never heard discussed, is whether a MLC can be shortened at all. From what I read, the MLCer must move thru all of the stages of grief to be able to heal. I don't think acknowledging that he or she is grieving would help a person facing a great loss move thru the process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) any faster. But counseling might. 

Keep doing your great DBing!

[Verum]

I have not come to the forum too much lately. Really it is a time sink and I've so busy lately.

Since my last post, we had another busy weekend. My W had a new friend visit and stay at our house. She is 28 years old and trying to get into medical school. Doing some sort of pre-med prep year. Seems like a nice girl, unlike my W's other alcoholic friend who is 31.

On the Sat, my girls had a b-day party. I took the two younger ones and hung out at the pool party. Myself and my two friends drank 3 pitchers of beer together for the afternoon. I enjoy their company. My W showed up later with my oldest D. My 3 D's then slept over their friend's house.

On Sun, we went to a skeet shooting range. We rented a shotgun and you go from station to station shooting. It was a beautiful day and we had fun. We probably hit about 1 out of 6 targets, but it was fun trying. We then went to pick up the girls, had lunch, and returned home.

All weekend, my interactions with the W were pretty normal. One thing I notice with my W is that she seems like she is 'buying' friends lately. For her friend, we paid for everything this weekend. My W has always been generous, but it is a little much. She does this with others too. Then if somebody is willing to cover for my W, she will fight/argue with them about paying instead of graciously accepting.

During the week my W was on business travel, leaving me home with the 3 girls. My girls are well behaved and being alone with them is a little more hectic with schedules, but not much. Actually, being home alone, I realize how little my W has been doing around the house recently. Very little in the way of cleaning, cooking, or other chores.

I would say that recently, my W is happier and more content than she was maybe 5-6 months ago. I remember one incident when she came home from work once and was all depressed, lied in bed, and told me how she had no friends and hated her job. She still hates her job, or so she says, but she isn't openly depressed about it. I do think she finds some enjoyment too. She recently met a co-worker on her business trip, and she seems to have hit it off with this person.

So that's the weekly news. Tomorrow the W and I are going to a remote mountain retreat for 1 night. The kids are staying with a friend.

[RosaLinda]

Waiting impatiently for your update on your overnight retreat date SA! Hope it went well!

[Verum]

RosaLinda, thanks for the interest!

OK, so not too far from my house is a Hot Spring/Zen Buddhist Retreat. It is off-the-grid, no electricity. On Friday morning we drove up, which includes 14 miles on a dirt road at 10 mph. The place is nice. I would call it luxury-rustic since everything was well-done, but no electricity, etc.

We had a great time. Very relaxing, spent a lot of time in the hot tubs feed from a natural mineral spring. It was a his/her on different sides except at night. We went swimming in the pool, relaxed, and went for a hike.

Ate communal meals with other guests and had some nice conversations.

We attended together a seminar on how to meditate. My W did wake up the next morning at 5:45 to meditate. I stayed in bed. She didn't meditate, complained that her leg fell asleep.

Overall a good time together. On the surface you would say we are a happy couple with no issues. I'm not so sure on the inside. I am MUCH BETTER in terms that I don't worry about my W so much and I just let her be. For my W, I wonder what she is thinking/feeling. My guess is that she goes back/forth on our relationship and other things in her life. I also guess that she remains somewhat unhappy and in some turmoil. She had to work today, and she told me she spent the day texting friends to plan next weekend. Sound more like a 20 year-old worker and not an older worker.

Anyway, I would recommend it to anyone who wants to get away from it all for a few days. No cell phone coverage was a God-send!!!!