Confused and Lost

[25yearsmlc]

Your wife is very conflicted.

As much as you want to call it a fog, (and some of it is, but not all of it in THIS case), it's also a result of a lousy marriage.

you had a bad marriage the first time, that ended and by the Grace of God you got another chance, which you also blew.
Her complaints were "we want MORE of you" and you got angry at her and you got pretty angry pretty fast and threw some low blows...

(no she was not perfect but my God, her complaints were not from anger so much as pain at being rejected AGAIN, by you, inside the SECOND m)...imagine how foolish she must have felt about remarrying the same guy who treated her this way?


So, yes, you helped her into the arms of OM and she may or may not be pregnant...I'm assuming she is not, b/c that's why she mentioned the future child with you... as if she just got a negative result that part of her feels bad about.

But I am Just guessing there...and if she is pregnant, then obviously you'll need to have a significant conversation.

But until IF and when that happens, since you played a role in the problems of the m and SHE HAS NOT TOLD YOU that she wants out...

and she has told HIM she does NOT want out...why are you now wanting to cash in your chips and fold?

She wants to love you again...but you are hurt. Mainly your ego and your temper.

Temper? Yes. Why else would you possibly need to hire a PI?

If your wife wants to be married to OM, she'll have to tell you at some point. So what is your point in a PI? Are you rich and you think she wants all your money? I don't think your sitch sounded that way.

OR do you want To throw the "proof" in her face? To what end?

Dig deep now...the real journey in life is an inward one.

An affair won't change your custody unless she did it in front of your d, unless you live in the one state that it might matter in and even then...I am not sure it matters at all, LEGALLY.

So it has to be your anger speaking. Don't let anger be a decision maker in your life; just find that healthy place in your heart for self respect, and not false pride. It can be a fine line.

Between boundaries and punitive measures. The former is healthy and solid and from a place of light, the latter is from a darkness within.

Make sense? Be your best self, and be the better choice.

MAYBE you ought to confront her. There are chapters in the DB book about how to do it.

But if you confront, then you can air your concerns and get truly working on the m, which requires no third parties,

it could only be with ZERO judgement or condemnation from you.

Let's face it,

in HER MIND, you pushed her into the arms of OM, and worse, she isn't insane to feel that way.

So you have to own your part in this situation. IN fact maybe you ought to do that anyhow.

Check with other vets but if it were me

it would mean a lot if my h approached me and apologized for his failings and said something like "all he can ask is for more time to prove he's really this new man whom I once fell in love with", etc THEN he could approach me about "new tools"


so why not

ASK HER TO ATTEND RETROVAILLE which is a retreat for marriages in crisis?

It specifically gets each spouse, privately, to exclude third parties from the m.

And it's very helpful. Clearly you both need NEW tools to make sure the marriage works for good this time.

And the weekend WILL improve things, but you ought to stick with their follow up program too. It solidifies what they teach you over the weekend.

I HIGHLY recommend this retreat. Your w has made several comments about wanting the marriage to work out.

Why not act on that and check out where the next Retrovaille weekend is and when?