How to DR if she will not leave the OM?

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I don't think I can pour out the whole story right now. I feel like every detail is paramount and regurgitating every event and detail of the past two and half months would take about that long but here is my best attempt at the "short" story.
I'm 45 my wife is 33, we have a 7 year old Daughter. We have been married for 9 years and together about 12.
I took my beautiful, smart, and wonderful wife for granted. I emotionally abused her with a controlling personality that I did not know I had. I “bullied, talked down to, ignored, yelled at, guilted, humiliated, disrespected and left her places” (from an email she sent me) I have not been a good husband. I emotionally abandoned my best friend and I am profoundly embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself for ever letting this happen.
This is not to say this is how I have acted all the time. We have had tremendous great times and heaps of fun over our year together but after leaving her “emotionally neglected and vulnerable” she found someone who gave her “positive feelings of love, appreciation, respect and admiration”. I start my story this way so that it is clear from the beginning that over the past few months I have learned much about the damage I did to this marriage and that I take the lion's share of responsibility of that damage up to before what came next.
Sometime around May 29, 2013 she detached from me and made herself available to someone else. I noticed her pull away and immediately I tried to talk to her about it one night. She did not say a word and I lost my temper. Finally she said I was paranoid. I did start to change and started spending more time with her and our family but in her own words later, “it was too little, too late”.
From what I knew, at this point there was just someone else that was giving her attention not a full blown affair but I knew something was wrong.
We continued as usual but I became hyper aware of her subtle and unusual new behaviors.
A week later after my wife returned from a business trip I could sense even more of a change. I tried to ignore it but I was beginning to panic. After she fell asleep one night I decided to snoop through her phone. Instantly I found text messages from another man of a sexual nature. I did not read them twice before I woke her up and confronted her about it. She said that she had met someone on her trip and they had kissed. (6/5/13) I felt like I had been hit by a truck. At first she was indifferent. Normally I would totally blow up at something like this but all I could do was stand there. I think this confused her a little. We talked a little about next steps but I was in shock. I went to the couch and somehow she fell back asleep. My world had just been turned upside down and I could not breath. Sometime in the middle of the night she woke up and came out to talk. I “heard” (meaning for the first time I listened) to her grievances and was shocked that it was me, the one who truly loved my wife, who did and said such horrible things. I vowed to change and there was an agreement that we would work on our marriage. She vowed that nothing else would happen between her and the OM.
Over the next few weeks I tried desperately try to have more “relationship talks” but it did not go well. I was also completely consumed with trying to find anything and everything I could find out about this other person and if there was any more contact. My wife does not like talking about problems and she had very little interest in talking about them then. But we are at least talking a little and I started working less and trying to be more available. I saw we needed more time together and tried to schedule dates. I sat with her when she was making dinner and we talked about our days. “too little too late”... In these weeks she also changed the password on her phone so I could no longer snoop. I also noticed that her phone became more valuable that a briefcase full of money. It went with her everywhere! and she never put it down. I naively think she needs her space and did not bring it up. There were so many strange things that were going on that I could not keep track of what was normal and what was strange, but all the while she emphatically and passionately insists that they were no longer in contact.
7/10/13 I can not ignore all of the very strange and unusual behavior she is having. Working late, the phone thing and her strange behavior towards me. I have not been able to sleep at all lately and again after she is asleep I go and have a look at her phone. The password is disabled and there is a text from him again. It is clearly sexual in nature. I take the phone into the other room and pretending to be her, respond to his texts. Over the next two hours he is texting me thinking it is her and telling me all of their secrets. It is no longer just a kiss. They are having a full blown affair and they just had sex that night before she came home late from work and was intimate with me. I just can’t believe it. I have been trying to change and to offer her what was missing from our relationship. but “too little too late”. I put her phone back and thought that I should let them figure it all out the next day but I couldn’t take it and confronted her again in the middle of the night. Again we talk the rest of the night and agree we need some counseling but she again very passionately and convincingly swears the affair will end. I want to believe her and again I foolishly do. I set up appointments with a counselor and we both go to two individual sessions. Neither of us like him at all and can not see how he could help but I fear bad counseling is better than none but she says she is not going back.
I do find another counselor but at the same time I start to do all of the wrong things; talk about good times, promise to change, tell her I love her too much, ask for constant feedback, look at wedding photos and try to talk about the relationship too much. What makes things really confusing is throughout this entire process we have had more sex in the past month that we have the entire year. I take this as we are getting closer but I found out it is mostly guilt sex she is having with me and it is even overlapping with the OM (yuck).
I feverishly start researching affairs and consult marriage sites such as this one looking for advice. Most information and books are for “after the affair” and how to rebuild but I’m in panic mode. We are in the middle of this disaster and I can’t find a way out without ending it and devastating our daughter. I love her and our family and hate myself for ever pushing her so far away.
I started seeing the new counselor and he quickly identify my problem controlling behavior. I did some reasearch and was horrified at what I now saw in the mirror. I grew up with horrible parents who were horrible husbands and wives and now I am one of them even though from as far back as I can remember I swore I would never be like them. I never thought I would be about to get a divorce and my heart breaks for my daughter who will by no fault of her own be permanently and negatively affected by all of our horrible actions.
The pattern continued several more times. My wife would promise (so convincingly) that she would end the affair, or even worse, swear that it was already over and that I was just paranoid just for me to find out that she was lying. She now carefully deletes all of her texts and call records and I have done several ridiculous new things to try to find the “truth”. I have put a recorder in her car and listed to the two of them laugh at me and say such things as “we have made it pretty obvious why does he even care” (and even listend to them make out in her car). I have put spyware on her phone and watched ever passionate and loving text between the two of them. At each turn I get caught and she finds better ways to conceal her relationship but now she does not say it’s over anymore or that she is going to end it. She says she is confused and although I have told you most of the bad things I have done I have also been making strong efforts to change for the better and much of it comes very easily. I already love and respect my wife so showing her that has been very easy. Spending time with her and listening to her has also been very easy and enjoyable.
These good changes are making it hard for her and we genuinely make occasional connections.
I know I have a heap of work to do on my personality issues and I know she is very skeptical as to whether any of the changes will stick so in the meantime she is not willing to commit to anything and we go along in limbo. No commitment to stay and no decision to leave.
I have now found this site and read through many of your experiences and read much of your advice. It is nice to know I am not alone as I go through what is by far the worst period in my life. I have bought and have started to read the DR book. I did skip ahead to the chapter and pages regarding a spouse that will not end the affair and it has made me feel hopeless. I have begun to DR last week but I don’t clearly understand the techniques especially in regard to how I should be carrying out the rules with a spouse that will not leave the OM.
As of now I have stopped snooping and removed and ended all spying activity. (wow is this hard to do) We are going to counseling and she says she wants to go. She has sent a long email explaining her feeling and how conflicted she is and how fearful that “the hurt that has been done is now so damaging, it is impossible to recover from.”. When have been together over the past week (and even the past two months) she has been very caring at times. She reaches out to touch me and I can see light in her eyes but at the same time I know she is texting him right in front of me or going to the bathroom to do so telling him of her love for him.
I could really use any advice on how to DR in my situation with a wife that will not stop her affair. How should I act? I understand I should be the better choice if she had to make one but It is really hard for me. I am terrible at hiding my emotions.
Should I let her get close? Should we still have sex? Should we still do things together?
I feel like a doormat accepting and enabling her to continue her affair with a smile on my face. She is having this passionate physical love affair and then she comes home to me and our family as a safe comfortable place.
I could really use some help on something specific. I am currently away on a business trip and in our last counseling session a few days ago she said she did not want any contact with me while I was gone. She admitted to how relieved she was that I was going away and looked forward to the space.
I was not gone a half hour and she texted me. Then they continued through the day. I tried not to respond but thought that would be seen as negative behavior and push her away. She said she missed me... WHAT THE HELL!!!
I said I missed her and my daughter both but that I thought she did not want any contact. She responded that she just didn’t want to talk about the relationship but that we could talk about how our days were and about our daughter.
First thing the next morning, more texts with a good morning and hope you have a good day. Later she said “is it ok that I tell you I’m thinking about you” How do I respond to that???
What do the DR rules say at times like this. Should I have no contact except for our daughter?
Please help!
I do have a DR counseling apt scheduled in two days but any help would be greatly appreciated.