NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[sandi2]

Got you but what about when she ask about my work, my home, S10, friends or anything else? Do I answer this shortly or do I answer with out saying anything like,

You simply answer with the same word husbands have used for centuries. "Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine........." She will soon get the hint that you do not intend to discuss your business, work, other family, or personal life with her b/c it is none of her business. You will hear me say that a lot, or until you start remembering that you are not obligated to answer any of her questions that don't affect her children or private property. You will have to train yourself. Then when you R, you will have to retrain yourself.

The feeling I have right now is more like curiosity of the future, her actions, my capabilities and then off course the end result

Okay, just as long as you understand that I can't answer any of those for you.

I wish to enjoy my life with her but as long as she is not here I will work on me and enjoy life anyway.

That's the spirit! I also hope you have other friends and activity that are not just relatives (especially hers).

I will have the down-moments but I have gotten so much better at handling these. I do feel I have the strength but then again I do not know what the future will bring in to my life.

I have witnessed my children go through divorces and close loved one go through losing their S in death. It usually takes getting through that first year of holidays and special anniversaries, birthdays, etc. So, yes, you will experience those down days, but realize it is normal and don't start questioning yourself and thinking it is taking too long.

I really want to encourage you to enjoy life and not spend most of it on wondering about the future. You could miss some wonderful friendships, and maybe relationships, wondering what she may do in the future. I have read so many posts from LBH's who say, "If I only knew she would come back, I could wait for however long it took." I compare that with guys wanting to know a female's answer before he asks the question. You men!

I get this totally. It makes so much sense and this alone will keep me on this path! Hopefully it won’t be at the cost of friendships with other people.

Here's what I see with men. They can get away with not answering anything they don't want to! Other men don't get mad, and it doesn't matter if the women do. But a woman asking another woman and her not tell her everything she wants to know? Forget it!

If they are a true friend, you will be able to tell them what I suggested in previous post and they will not be offended. If they are "her friends" or "her relatives" then they might not like your answer, but they shouldn't be asking, now should they? Stop feeling like you owe an answer to people who asks you questions. I know your type! B/c I am much the same type as you, but I have learned....and so can you.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Now, I am not telling you to discuss the R with her, when I make the following statement, okay? She will ask you what's going on that you suddenly don't have time for to talk (or whatever). So, in order to keep her being extremely angry, I believe you should tell her in as few sentences as possible, that you always wanted a relationship with her that was set apart from the category called "friends". However, since she made her decision to leave that relationship, you must move forward to make a life without her. Be very careful at this point b/c it could easily slip into a R talk, and you can't let it go there. Tell her you don't want to talk about that now.

OK! I will leave all R-talk even if she initiates.
Is it a goal that she is extremely angry? (I haven’t got a problem with this – just needs clarification)

A goal? No, it's not a "goal". But I want you to be prepared to see her get angry. If she doesn't, then I will wonder if she is a real female.......or if you aren't doing it right. I know you said she's nice, but I think even if she doesn't get angry at you in person, she'll be mad in private. She thinks she still has the "right" to ask you these questions, and more importantly, she expects you to talk, talk, talk.

As I read you, this statement should be on hold until she asks what is going on, right? Always let her initiate since I am happy, content and joyful, right? Change of roles (pursuer/distancer) also, right?

Yes, you do not volunteer to tell her if she doesn't care enough to ask. But, I'm betting she will. Your role has changed to distancer......absolutely.

I also agree that she would very likely state these things – I believe it will be a while – she sticks with her beliefs and she is a proud woman! Also believe the part you posted earlier about her coming at me with guilt (Children mostly)

I don't think they come much more proud than I am. It makes it harder, too. It's tough to admit you've made a terrible mistake. And, remember, she will be in a very new role herself. She doesn't even know it yet.

I have seen both sides of the fence use their children as excuses, or to guilt. As long as you realize that is what she's doing, she won't have the power to use them for as a tool with you.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
The difficult part for you will be keeping it short. You may want to tell her to not hesitate if she needs to contact you about the girls. (That pushes your point a little deeper.)

I will keep this in mind!
When should I tell her about the children?

When she starts whining about thinking the two of you could remain friends and you are telling her why you can't be just a friend. I think she will say something about always wanting you to be a part of her life......or her and the children's lives. If she mentions the children, that is when you tell her.

We have a parents meeting at the school in September. I would like to attend and so will she. I believe I should seat myself next to her to avoid people thinking I am strange – What’s your opinion on this?

Sure, of course.

Whats a chuckle?

Another word for laugh. In that particular case, I was thinking of a small or low little laugh. Not the kind that sounds as if you are laughing "at" her, but as if you think what she said is a little amusing. As if you know what she's doing.

I won’t defriend her for now, but if needed I will – I believe we will have to take the cultural aspect in to consideration if this is to be done.

Okay, well if it would be cultural offensive....you would know best on that part.