let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

I forgot to add that I know what pushed her away was my shutting down and not giving her the attention she craved, so part of me thinks that my main 180 should be giving her that attention, but with us being separated and her wanting distance, and her not wanting me, I feel like I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

I know I really have to work on GAL and getting out

[KindaHappy1]

I spoke with her today, to schedule MC appointment. She couldn't go at the time I made, and when I suggested another time, she seemed happy because it would work. so we are scheduled for Friday.

She asked how I was doing and I told her how I am dragging today because I barely slept all night, she said that she had the same issue, so I guess our talk affected her more than I thought, but who knows. I still suspect that she has an EA with this other guy, but I don't mention his name or bring him up at all.

[KindaHappy1]

We had bought tickets for my W, her friend and her friend's D to go to a concert to see a band that my W and I saw on my first date. I had asked her when we got the tickets, before our separation, if I could be her back up if her friend could not make it.

So it sounds like her friend won't be able to make it, so I asked my W, have you thought about asking Friend B and her daughter instead, or even friend c's daughter? And she said that Friend C told her how much of a fan she is of the band, andf that she thought of inviting Friend c to go with me and her and I said, you should take the daughter , who is having a hard time right now. She asked if I was sure, and I told her I wanted to hold her up and share her with the world, not hold her back, and I meant it.

Plus, now I get another night with my boys!

Win Win time!

[KindaHappy1]

I feel sad today, maybe I am losing hope and maybe that is a good thing. I'm beginning to see a bit more clearly and I asked myself in my journal today "What are you choosing to not see?" and I realized how I'm holding on to nothing but memories and hope. I think what I have been seeing as signs of love from her is just her guilt leaking through her facade.

The nicest thing she can say to me is "I don't hate you"
gee, thanks

[KindaHappy1]

I'm realizing that I keep messing up and I need to stick to the plan.

I feel hyper sensitive today, very raw. I know that I need to work on GAL. I just keep looking at my phone, wishing she would call or text me, I feel so pathetic, but I am not going to give in and call or text her , unless it is work or kid related, and even then, I'll stick to the matter at hand.

I have said all I felt I needed to say to her, and if it did damage/ caused back slide, more of the same isn't going to help.

I would appreciate any guidance and support. In the meantime, I will continue to read threads, and I'm open to suggestions to which ones I should read.

Thanks and bless you all.

[KindaHappy1]

Where I work, I sometimes have to refer people out and I had been referring people to the company my wife works for, so many of the people who I see, have interacted with her.

I just had one come in telling me how much she love my W. I said, "I do too.."

It's so difficult to have people ask about her. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to get into it either. So I guess saying something like "she was doing ok last I spoke to her" will work.

I don't know if I can continue to refer people to her. She is afraid that the won't have enough business for her boss to afford her if things were to slow down. I don't want to stop to be vindictive, but it would cut down on the amount of interaction I have with her.

[AnotherStander]

I think I may have lost all hope.

You're barely 2 months since BD and not even 1 since S. You've just begun a long, long journey. It's far too soon to lose hope. If you're expecting to see any changes in your W this quickly then you need to kill those expectations now. This is a journey of a thousand miles and you've just taken a few steps.

W and I had a long talk where I explained how my distancing from her in our past R was a mixed up attempt to get her to show me she loved me

Please read DR and Sandi2's 37 Rules. STOP this damaging behavior ASAP!!! You are doing all the wrong things- you're talking instead of listening, you're cornering your W with relationship talks, you're pushing her into MC. You've got to stop all that and start DB'ing!!

I explained how this kept cycling over and over until I believe she lost the desire to maintain our bond and she let go.

What you need to understand is your W is checked out of the M for now and will be for quite some time. She simply does not care what your feelings are. Don't try to explain anything to her. When you say things like the above it just sounds like you're blaming her. She sees 100% of the problems as YOU right now, and the more you talk like that the more you convince her that she's right.

She had agreed to therapy with me, but I'm staring to wonder if it would just be a waste.

It is absolutely a waste. When one spouse has one or both feet out the door, MC never helps. They just go to check it off their list of "things I tried to save the M but that proved that it was over anyway".

I asked her if she had ever googled the effects of divorce on children, and that was the conversation killer.

(shakes head) Every time you say something like this it's a backslide. It moves you farther from your goal. It sets you back to the starting line.

I really don't think I can live without her, and I know it will kill me to find out she is with someone else. I am feeling so lost and sad today.

YES you CAN live without her. We've all been where you are now, thinking there is no life without our WAS. But there is. As long as you're still clingy/ needy there is no chance she will return. It won't be until you can rise above all that and become the independent, self-sufficient person that you once were that she might look back. So get to work. Get a life. Immerse yourself in DR, become an expert on DB'ing. Figure out your 180's and work, work, work at them. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.

I forgot to add that I know what pushed her away was my shutting down and not giving her the attention she craved, so part of me thinks that my main 180 should be giving her that attention, but with us being separated and her wanting distance, and her not wanting me, I feel like I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

You are correct, it's too late for lavishing attention on her. Treat her like a friendly neighbor, but don't go overboard. Just be friendly and cordial.

[AnotherStander]

She asked how I was doing and I told her how I am dragging today because I barely slept all night I said I'm doing fantastic, how are you?

Read DR. Always, ALWAYS exude PMA. When you talk to her, when you see her, when you're in the same area as her, you are happy, positive and confident.

[KindaHappy1]

She had agreed to therapy with me, but I'm staring to wonder if it would just be a waste.

It is absolutely a waste. When one spouse has one or both feet out the door, MC never helps. They just go to check it off their list of "things I tried to save the M but that proved that it was over anyway".

Thank you AS, for every word you posted. I need to work on my control and patience. I have Sandi's rules taped up near my desk at work, and look at it often, but I think I need to put them in the car and near my bed too.

So do I cancel MC? apponitment is this Friday. I think I would have to cancel by tomorrow...

[KindaHappy1]

She asked how I was doing and I told her how I am dragging today because I barely slept all night I said I'm doing fantastic, how are you?

Read DR. Always, ALWAYS exude PMA. When you talk to her, when you see her, when you're in the same area as her, you are happy, positive and confident.

I have not read DR, I guess I thought DB was just an updated version for some reason. I just ordered from amazon and should get it tomorrow.

I will remember your advice and will try to act better around her. I guess after 25 years of interacting with a person, it takes quite a bit more work than I've been doing to get myself to change.

Thank you so much!