NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

IMO telling her that I am busy will do for a short time but in the long run it will come off as false or telling her "I won't talk to you" - just in different words.

At the same time I still don't know if it is about the children she is calling and that worries me a bit!
Children could be sick, hurt, missing something or likewise. Also I left the childrens clothing at her place this morning (didnt see her!) and perhaps I forgot something important.

I am NOT looking for an excuse to talk with her - I am looking for a reason NOT to call her. I need this for myself to justify to me, that it is ok not to call - this will make it so much easier for me and this will properly happen a lot of times in the future to come.

I could also text her now: "I am busy - is it important?"

...then again I could just let it be and go to bed (10.45PM here!)

[hotwheelsaust]

F, I feel your pain in how to go this way with the texts. I just don't have an answer as I am not having this in my sitch.
I would think, somewhere in the future you might have to ask your W to simply only call/text if it is an emergency or important about the kids. That way you can relate back to that conversation if it continues. I think you need to at least make her aware you don't want texts or calls for non issues. Again, my opinion. Please wait for what sandi feels is the best way.

[MrBond]

"I am NOT looking for an excuse to talk with her - I am looking for a reason NOT to call her."

Why? You're way overthinking this. You have a child together so you can't not ever talk to her. Talk to her when you need to. That's all. Stop acting like you're avoiding her or running away from her. Confront it head on.

[T1000]

If it was an emergency is there another way for her to contact you?
Land line, neighbour?

If not I would find out why she is calling. It could be about the kids, it could be important. I suggest getting VM for a while then hopefully you wouldn't be going through this part right now.

[T1000]

I don't think it will be important but if there is no other avenue for contact if needed then where does that leave you?

[sandi2]

Got you but what about when she ask about my work, my home, S10, friends or anything else? Do I answer this shortly or do I answer with out saying anything like,

You simply answer with the same word husbands have used for centuries. "Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine........." She will soon get the hint that you do not intend to discuss your business, work, other family, or personal life with her b/c it is none of her business. You will hear me say that a lot, or until you start remembering that you are not obligated to answer any of her questions that don't affect her children or private property. You will have to train yourself. Then when you R, you will have to retrain yourself.

The feeling I have right now is more like curiosity of the future, her actions, my capabilities and then off course the end result

Okay, just as long as you understand that I can't answer any of those for you.

I wish to enjoy my life with her but as long as she is not here I will work on me and enjoy life anyway.

That's the spirit! I also hope you have other friends and activity that are not just relatives (especially hers).

I will have the down-moments but I have gotten so much better at handling these. I do feel I have the strength but then again I do not know what the future will bring in to my life.

I have witnessed my children go through divorces and close loved one go through losing their S in death. It usually takes getting through that first year of holidays and special anniversaries, birthdays, etc. So, yes, you will experience those down days, but realize it is normal and don't start questioning yourself and thinking it is taking too long.

I really want to encourage you to enjoy life and not spend most of it on wondering about the future. You could miss some wonderful friendships, and maybe relationships, wondering what she may do in the future. I have read so many posts from LBH's who say, "If I only knew she would come back, I could wait for however long it took." I compare that with guys wanting to know a female's answer before he asks the question. You men!

I get this totally. It makes so much sense and this alone will keep me on this path! Hopefully it won’t be at the cost of friendships with other people.

Here's what I see with men. They can get away with not answering anything they don't want to! Other men don't get mad, and it doesn't matter if the women do. But a woman asking another woman and her not tell her everything she wants to know? Forget it!

If they are a true friend, you will be able to tell them what I suggested in previous post and they will not be offended. If they are "her friends" or "her relatives" then they might not like your answer, but they shouldn't be asking, now should they? Stop feeling like you owe an answer to people who asks you questions. I know your type! B/c I am much the same type as you, but I have learned....and so can you.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Now, I am not telling you to discuss the R with her, when I make the following statement, okay? She will ask you what's going on that you suddenly don't have time for to talk (or whatever). So, in order to keep her being extremely angry, I believe you should tell her in as few sentences as possible, that you always wanted a relationship with her that was set apart from the category called "friends". However, since she made her decision to leave that relationship, you must move forward to make a life without her. Be very careful at this point b/c it could easily slip into a R talk, and you can't let it go there. Tell her you don't want to talk about that now.

OK! I will leave all R-talk even if she initiates.
Is it a goal that she is extremely angry? (I haven’t got a problem with this – just needs clarification)

A goal? No, it's not a "goal". But I want you to be prepared to see her get angry. If she doesn't, then I will wonder if she is a real female.......or if you aren't doing it right. I know you said she's nice, but I think even if she doesn't get angry at you in person, she'll be mad in private. She thinks she still has the "right" to ask you these questions, and more importantly, she expects you to talk, talk, talk.

As I read you, this statement should be on hold until she asks what is going on, right? Always let her initiate since I am happy, content and joyful, right? Change of roles (pursuer/distancer) also, right?

Yes, you do not volunteer to tell her if she doesn't care enough to ask. But, I'm betting she will. Your role has changed to distancer......absolutely.

I also agree that she would very likely state these things – I believe it will be a while – she sticks with her beliefs and she is a proud woman! Also believe the part you posted earlier about her coming at me with guilt (Children mostly)

I don't think they come much more proud than I am. It makes it harder, too. It's tough to admit you've made a terrible mistake. And, remember, she will be in a very new role herself. She doesn't even know it yet.

I have seen both sides of the fence use their children as excuses, or to guilt. As long as you realize that is what she's doing, she won't have the power to use them for as a tool with you.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
The difficult part for you will be keeping it short. You may want to tell her to not hesitate if she needs to contact you about the girls. (That pushes your point a little deeper.)

I will keep this in mind!
When should I tell her about the children?

When she starts whining about thinking the two of you could remain friends and you are telling her why you can't be just a friend. I think she will say something about always wanting you to be a part of her life......or her and the children's lives. If she mentions the children, that is when you tell her.

We have a parents meeting at the school in September. I would like to attend and so will she. I believe I should seat myself next to her to avoid people thinking I am strange – What’s your opinion on this?

Sure, of course.

Whats a chuckle?

Another word for laugh. In that particular case, I was thinking of a small or low little laugh. Not the kind that sounds as if you are laughing "at" her, but as if you think what she said is a little amusing. As if you know what she's doing.

I won’t defriend her for now, but if needed I will – I believe we will have to take the cultural aspect in to consideration if this is to be done.

Okay, well if it would be cultural offensive....you would know best on that part.

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

You simply answer with the same word husbands have used for centuries. "Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine........." She will soon get the hint that you do not intend to discuss your business, work, other family, or personal life with her b/c it is none of her business. You will hear me say that a lot, or until you start remembering that you are not obligated to answer any of her questions that don't affect her children or private property. You will have to train yourself. Then when you R, you will have to retrain yourself.

Centuries I didn’t know it was inheritance I can do fine!
I get the not obligated but remember that I am still that kind of person that wants to be sure – I need the things sorted totally out in my head but I will (almost) promise you that when I get there I will do the things (almost )flawless. (Big words from a little man! – I know!)
I love the training so just bring it on and (hopefully) we will have to turn it all around somewhere in the future!

Okay, just as long as you understand that I can't answer any of those for you.

How come? I get you and didnt expect any answer. Just stated it to let you know what/who you are dealing with!

That's the spirit! I also hope you have other friends and activity that are not just relatives (especially hers).

I have 15 guys at my home in three weeks for a barbecue, beers and claytargetshooting in the backyard. Her cousin is the only relative and she talks to 2-3 of the others. I have only 3-4 dear friends and I do not feel like having more. The rest is a bit more distant and then I have invited 3 new guys that I don’t know so well – This is all part of my GAL! I believe I will do good in this area and the above is just an example.

I will wait until something better arises in the horizon! I won’t look for it at the moment but sometimes the sunset just hits you in the face! I want W back for me, her and the children but I won’t fall into the trap off letting something possibly good pass by because something else MIGHT happen.

I started out DBing with one goal – getting W back! Now I have several and the biggest one is getting me back! If I can have W back I would still like to for now but as my shrink stated at last session “I am not even sure you want her if you get the chance”. I am not there – I am working this for me and the family but only to some extent. Won’t waste the rest of my life hoping – that would be even more awful than D!

Stop feeling like you owe an answer to people who asks you questions. I know your type! B/c I am much the same type as you, but I have learned....and so can you.

And I will! This will be a hard lesson but I am ready for it. It gives me a little peace knowing you have been through that as well.

A goal? No, it's not a "goal". But I want you to be prepared to see her get angry. If she doesn't, then I will wonder if she is a real female.......or if you aren't doing it right

I will bet a month’s wager on her spewing big time! – I have learned to handle her when she does! I simply leave. It has worked fine for me for the last 2½ month or so.


AND THEN:
What about her callings today – should I do something or just wait until she calls again?
When should I pick up?
What should I answer when she ask why I haven’t answered?
Should I get the VM as T suggests – I really hate them, but if needed I will get one!!! (IMHO she will just leave a message telling me to call her and then I am in the same place)

She called me twice in a row this afternoon at my cell and then 1015PM at the landline (no cellcoverage at my home). Haven’t got VM but since she didn’t text I don’t believe it is that important.

Sandi, I am off to bed – it’s past midnight and I have a rough day waiting. Thanks again – I hope to wake up to some clarification from you about her callings.

F

[sandi2]

Don't make this too complicated, F. She doesn't know you are starting on a different plan. When in doubt about your kids, check back to see if they are okay.

Why can she not leave a message? If it were an emergency, would she text you to notify? I do believe this is a good time to leave some type of instructions to alert you by some specific means when or if it is very important and has to do with your,children. You can't just ignore an attempted call from her when you have no idea about the kids.

Whenever a LBS has to step back from the WAS, always have in place some type of plan (if nothing else, a code word) for her to use if one of the kids are sick, hurt, etc.

[Fartiltre]

Don't make this too complicated, F. She doesn't know you are starting on a different plan. When in doubt about your kids, check back to see if they are okay.

I do believe this is a good time to leave some type of instructions to alert you by some specific means when or if it is very important and has to do with your,children. You can't just ignore an attempted call from her when you have no idea about the kids.

Well, Sandi – That how I work! I am all yours and if you say jump – I jump! I might ask why!
So when I tell you, I will follow you, and you tell me not to call and not to answer – then I don’t! If I am in doubt I will rather wait doing something until I get your advice!
I have a tendency of complicating things but I was only trying to follow your advice.

I got this for the future! I am learning

Why can she not leave a message?

I haven’t got voicemail – that’s why! I hate these things! People leaving a message, telling me to call them back. I have to listen through a lot of these and 1½ year ago it simply got too much so I cancelled VM and I have been happy about this decision ever since.
Should I get one?

If it were an emergency, would she text you to notify?

She did last time (a week ago when D4 got stung by a wasp on the tongue) and I believe she would again


I will call W tomorrow morning and state that today has been crazy and then tell her to always text me if something urgent.
Agree?

F

[MrBond]

"What about her callings today – should I do something or just wait until she calls again?
When should I pick up?
What should I answer when she ask why I haven’t answered?
Should I get the VM as T suggests – I really hate them, but if needed I will get one!!! (IMHO she will just leave a message telling me to call her and then I am in the same place)"

You're way overthinking things. I guess you didn't read my post. Get VM for emergencies. Again, you share children together. THEY should be your priority.