So Drained

[Hurt84]

I guess at this point I'm using this as a journal more than anything...

This weekend came and went with some developments and a couple conclusions on my part:
-- I went out with my buddy Friday night and had a good time.
-- At 1am W texted me that she was staying with her girlfriend after saying that she planned on coming home originally before leaving. I'm not saying that I didn't expect it, twice in two weeks though is going to eliminate her "I never stay out" excuse real fast, but something about it seemed a little off. It's to the point where I believe she's taken interest in another OM who's shown interest in her. She's exhibiting a lot of the behavior that she did last year during her A. I'm keeping a lot of this to myself because to bring it up will just drive the pursuit into overdrive and push her further underground. Whether she's with someone else or not, it still comes to the same conclusion right now and that's that she is not with me. I can follow her around and check up on her or spy on her messages but that's not going to change what she's doing and at the end of the day, I can't control what she is doing. I didn't push the issue - she already knows how I feel about it - but I only asked if she had what she needed for the night since she planned on coming home to which she replied that she would borrow clothes from her girlfriend, that she was supposedly staying with.
-- Prior to her going out Friday, I told her I was going to the beach Saturday AM. She could join if she liked but that was my plan for the early part of the day. She was home by 8am Saturday and got ready to go to the beach mighty quickly.
-- We were to have dinner together Saturday night but once we got back from the beach she offered me a "deal" as she put it: She wanted to go out again that night but if she did, she would definitely be home that night, come to my softball game in the morning (she hasn't been to a game all season and knows that it means a lot to me when she does), and we can do whatever I wanted for dinner Sunday night. Again, rather than fight it I gritted my way through it and put on the best face I could to tell her to have a good time. We also had a good time together at the beach so I'll take the small victory in that regard.
-- Her "deal" did lead to a very brief conversation (if you even want to call it that) about what we were doing with our relationship, which she prompted. It didn't go anywhere special besides the fact that we came up with options that we have: divorce altogether, separate for some space and see where things go on their own, or come to some agreement to start piecing things together with no guarantees. No conclusions were made but the fact that she started the conversation was interesting. Usually when that type of conversation comes up it doesn't go well and the only conclusion in her mind is divorce. Saturday didn't go that way. Personally, I'd jump at the 3rd option in a heartbeat and would take the 2nd one to try and at least get some peace out of this for some time.
-- Sunday was actually a pretty good day. She came to my game which I really enjoyed. The weather wasn't too good yesterday so she asked if she could make dinner for us instead of going out. I was okay with that and we decided we'd go out together either during the week or next weekend, which is my preference. Otherwise, we did some food shopping and some other chores around the house together. I did make it a point to keep myself busy otherwise and not just sitting around on top of her when we were done - it's been weeks since we've been in the house together not watching the clock with plans coming up so that was actually kind of calming to me.
-- She called me a little while ago after leaving work that she was going to dinner with two of her girlfriends tonight and asked if we could do our dinner out tomorrow night. She also wants to go out with her friends Sunday night and both Friday and Saturday she isn't able to (she also already has plans to go to Atlantic City next Monday for a coworker's birthday) which is why she's pushing for us to do our dinner during the week. I told her to enjoy dinner tonight and we'll see about dinner tomorrow - I don't want her to fit me in when it's convenient for her but at the same time the fact that she is being proactive in making plans, even if she keeps putting them off, is somewhat promising. Also big time cake-eating but that isn't news to anyone following this thread.
-- If I'm building conspiracy theories, I would say that its possible she's meeting up with OM for dinner but who knows. She made it a point to say that she'd be getting home around the time I do so it's entirely possible that she's doing exactly what she says, having dinner with her girlfriends. The fact that she was upfront about it I guess is good at least, where she goes and with who is a different story and I need to stop focusing on that.

That's pretty much it for now. I definitely need to work on my acting-as-if techniques and I need to pick up the GAL efforts.

On another note, I'm expecting a lot her going out and erratic behavior to slow down once Labor Day passes here in a couple weeks. I'm laughing to myself as I write it but for anyone that is familiar with the show "Jersey Shore", those are the type of people that she's started hanging out with recently. They rent beach houses for the summer months in one of the towns along the shoreline here in NJ (we live near the shore already), alter their work schedules around their partying for the summer, and go out to the bars or clubs 4-5 nights a week. Personally, I don't understand it - I feel like you can only do that so much before A) you go broke or B) you burn out from the lifestyle. The summer rentals end on Labor Day and these people migrate back to North NJ and NY where they came from. While damage has already been done with us, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to starting the two-week countdown today. What happens after that should be interesting. She's never been one to keep relationships too active if it isn't convenient for her so we'll see what she does.