better to love or be loved?

[25yearsmlc]

yes, the detaching is hard. H has moved out, but he will call/text d everyday using my phone. I give her the phone to answer. I could tell h to call on the house phone but I don't.

If this is too hard, then maybe TELL him to call and let it ring twice and hang up, so you don't have to deal with it. You'll then dial for Her, and leave the room.


it is the financial stuff that scares me. its the having to do all the stuff I haven't had to these past 20+ years. like, pay the bills, insurance, car tags etc...Stuff I can do I know, just adds to my daily list- welcome to grown up world I guess. I've had it easy being a SAHM.

I hear you there. But you're right, we have to do it. Like the gazillion of single moms out there...but try to see this as empowering. If he had died, you'd be in the same boat but in a more traumatic way, believe it or not.

This is the big one, and I know you are dealing too... knowing h is with someone else having a good time. doing fun stuff, not a care in the world.


says who? How do you know the OW knows all of his needs and wants? How can she? How do you know he isn't racked with guilt about leaving THREE kids, including an innocent disabled child who will always call him "daddy", or that it's SHAME that makes him not comfortable coming into the house?

He must guess that his relationships with his sons will NEVER be the same again...and every time there is a conflict or wave of guilt, he can look either in the mirror or at OW to blame...how fun is that?

Every time they have a conflict, he'll have second thoughts that are painful. Same goes for every birthday he partly attends or misses, and every holiday...

thousands of songs and fragrances and TV shows and a million different memories are going to resurface IN TIME....

the more you challenge his choices, the more he'll defend them...

so don't bother. Let HIM DISCOVER the realites of the life HE is creating but for God's sake, ask yourself how happy and fun filled YOUR LIFE would be,

if you were doing the same thing...and you might realize that the mind reading and speculation you are doing about HIS life, which is also the wrong focus...

is also NOT even accurate. So it's counter productive on a number of levels.

While the WAS always always will wonder if maybe they could have given their marriage a chance, maybe YOUR CHANCES ARE REAL and would last...

whereas you have no choice.
You can be miserable and bItter or become bEtter.

But the smart aleck talk is usually words of contempt or resentment and they eat away at the partner's self esteem. Don't underestimate that. If you have read the Five Love Languages, as I hope you will if not,

then you'll see he may need "words of affirmation" and that they were lacking in the marriage. It's easy to be mad about what they don't do, often b/c they literally do not know and because they are at their JOBS, which they don't get thanked for b/c we don't see what they are doing in THEIR DAY...and how affectionate were you, outside the bedroom?

And do you now see that every night you were "not in the mood" that he felt rejected? How does that feel to HIM? MOst men don't feel loved when sex is less frequent than they want it to be unless the wife really makes an effort elsewhere...which is usually not happening.

I think you said his work mattered a lot to him, so maybe he needs to be thanked for the years you were a sahm. Many couples cannot afford to do that and your d surely benefitted...as did your boys.

One thing I said to my h, which was ONLY b/c my DB coach had just spoken to me, I admit...

was right after h left. Then our electricity almost got cut off b/c h stopped paying the bills but forgot to mention that to me...

when I told him, his FIRST comment was that he HOPED it would not hurt HIS credit...I assumed he was kidding but now I wonder...

ANYHOW I said "so from now on, I need to pay the bills, right?"

And he said,very angrily, "that's right! So now you can do it like I had to for 25 years and YOU see how it feels!"

And I said, "I know, it IS Stressful, and I want TO THANK YOU FOR PAYING THE BILLS ALL THESE YEARS, B/C IT IS HARD TO DO."

and boy was that a 180 for ME and it so stunned h, that he was silent for what seemed like five minutes, (probably 10 seconds)

Then he said "you're welcome"...

Anyhow, it was a pivotal moment in my life. I finally saw things, for a moment, thru HIS eyes...

Hope that helps.

Meanwhile... I put my kids first. I think ow leaves her kids with her mom so she can be with my h. way to go!

yep, life is not fair. but, I will say, I do know my blessings. I have great kids, great friends, a great family.

i'll say this here. I know I am supposed to focus on me and not h,

CORRECT...and when you follow a good comment with the word, "BUT", you negate what you just said that was constructive. Stop using excuses to make HIM your focus.


but here is my detach struggle...I want h to be a better guy.


meaning what? OH my, please know I mean this all to help you, okay?

But I mean WOW...have you really read the DB books?

Who are you to decide how good a guy HE ought to be?
YOU need to ONLY WORK ON YOU, and btw you have zero control over him. Want to waste more time going in the opposite direction?

In fact, I'm going out on a limb here so put your helmet on...my guess is this feeling that YOU want HIM TO IMPROVE is NOT new.

My gut says it has been shown to him for years...and to your kids. So his ego has been bruised and damaged for a LONG time.

The LAST THING ON EARTH YOU OUGHT TO BE DOING NOW is wishing HE would improve.

You don't have that right. You improve you. Model for HIM that change in an adult can happen.

Because GUESS WHAT?

The only way your h will return to the marriage, will be

because he believes the marriage can be better/different.

That's it. So how is your desire for HIM to improve, helping him believe that can happen? That's more of the same message that he is NOT good enough.

and my guess is that the "smart aleck" way you spoke was a euphemism for saying, you did a lot of undermining or criticizing him.

Your goal ought to be on showing him that YOU can change and be a better wife to him, so that the marriage would in fact be better this time around...IF he'd give it a chance.



I want him to see how great and the joys of family.


The most you can do is model that for him. And applaud loudly for the 1% of things he does that are positive (per my DB coach...this is NOT easy to do. Sometimes it felt 'Mother Teresa hard' but it helps a lot).


he says he is there for kids, but doesn't want to be married.


Ouch...what do you think that means? It's you he is leaving, not them. So the marriage itself, NOT being a dad, was the problem. THANK HIM FOR BEING A GOOD DAD when he is.

Work on you. It's the best chance you have for happiness with your life, and the chance of a reconciliation lies mainly in how much change in YOU that you demonstrate to him...

I know a million times I can't control him. I have to accept.
Thanks for letting me share.

You have to accept HIM but you can work on YOU. Dig deep and do the brave thing, facing your own shortcomings. The worst that can happen is you'll be a greater mother and person, and that ain't so bad. The real journey in life, is an inward one.

What are your SPECIFIC goals? Instead of saying "don't be smart aleck" give yourself a goal of what TO DO.

Such as "compliment h at least once, sincerely, every time we interact."

Down the road, Maybe flirt if you can pull it off OR at least look your absolute best.

Be the woman he fell in love with. Be a woman only a fool would leave.

Good luck.