How can you mend a broken heart?

[albamarie]

I am in total agreement with above^^^^^^^^^^^^

Its the long road to acceptance and piece of mind that's the worst as well!

~ Linda, no I haven't heard from Nero, she does this tho when she drive back to NJ, he's there too much and she gets to worried to log on. Hopefully soon, I need an answer from her!

[uRworthy]

My friend, I am sorry if you are confused by all this.

When you come to dbing, it is with the only thought that you will do anything to save your marriage.

So, you begin to try the things it suggests. Give him space, let him go, do what works, no cheeseless tunnels, GAL etc.

And it seems like you are doing it. But in the beginning, you are only going through the motions.

The hope is that eventually you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself. That the only way to really get through this is to detach. And that means that your actions, reactions and words are not based on his.

It means you are living your life without regard to what he is doing or saying.

It means that you walk your journey as you allow him to walk his.

So, I believe, that dbing is a roadmap for how to live your life and sometimes it saves marriages.

No one knows what the future holds. So it is best, in the meantime, to live your life.

You still look to your h for how you should act. You still read into every word and action he says and takes.

Now I dont want you to get upset with yourself. You are way too hard on you.

This is all a process and we all get there when we do. And you are getting there.

So, yes, dbing is for trying to save a marriage, but, much more often it is a way to save ourselves.

I know this latest thing with China has thrown you for a loop. But it is best not to get ahead of yourself. That doesnt serve you well, right?

Take it one thing at a time. Right now, you need to take care of you, my friend. You have to deal with your vision and you have to get yourself good and strong for the next few weeks.

I cannot wait to meet you. I cannot wait for you to get to go to England.

Leave him to his fantasy, Rosa. And get out of the way because it is going to implode. I dont want you in the crossfire.

You are doing wonderfully. Keep going.

[Wonka]

I love this, and hope I can have it again someday. My H's LL is words of affirmation, and I think I did not give him enough in the years before MLC, but will make sure to remedy that if I ever get the chance I do let him know how much I respect him and validate how great he does stuff when it is appropriate, but no arms-thrown-around-H or neck-kissing is involved so it misses a lot in the translation!

He came right out and told me that while he appreciates me giving him words of affirmation, it does not mean as much as when given by one of his pen pal girlfriends, or even a stranger

Bringing this over from rH's thread.

Why wait for that chance? It would be good to continue doling out WOA to H. Look it at this way, you're trying to fill up his love bank (as in Harley) by putting in deposits in his 'love' account. Ignore his blather about appreciating it more from pen pals etc. Also we tend to have two primary LLs. What is your H's other LL beside WOA? That will help in DBing.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks everyone for checking on me -- I'm off to the eye surgeon. Not sure if H will come with me or not. Please wish me luck, I"ll answer you all later!

[Whiterose]

Sends you lots of luck, positive energy and love!!!

[reachingHigher]

Bringing this over from rH's thread.

Why wait for that chance? It would be good to continue doling out WOA to H. Look it at this way, you're trying to fill up his love bank (as in Harley) by putting in deposits in his 'love' account. Ignore his blather about appreciating it more from pen pals etc. Also we tend to have two primary LLs. What is your H's other LL beside WOA? That will help in DBing.

With all respect to Wonka, I would be very careful here. Maybe check with DB coach before you do this? H may hear it as "ILY" and that isn't always good.

I know, for myself, as we were preparing to D last fall (basically October through December) I took away H's LL. I clearly remember him being crushed when he asked for a hug as he was leaving. More than once. I said no. Yes, there were a few times I gave out a little bit (just enough to keep him hungry) -- holding hands at restaurant, etc. -- but basically I was telling H in his love language I wasn't gonna be around any more.

IMO, Linda, your H doesn't miss you. He is disgusted with your ways of ILY b/c of his crisis. He is looking elsewhere for affirmation. I think you want to play the pursuer/distancer dance not shower him with love. Is there any doubt in his mind you love him?

My H's IC asked him if there was any freedom I denied him. He said no. It wasn't enough to get him to come back.

I think if you extend H's LL to him it will only hurt you. Just IMO. Wonka has a good point, I just disagree here.

[Verum]

About the DB-ing I did see it initially as a way to 'save' my marriage, but now I see it as a way to be a better person. Initially you do things by going through the motions, but then if the changes are good, it becomes part of you. I see myself as a better person, and a better partner in a relationship.

Will it save my marriage? Will it help my W get through her MLC and she becomes a better person?

Probably not.

I once remarked to my W that me doing the dishes wasn't going to make her love me. She replied that it helped! I think the truth is that it makes it easier for us to live together. This is true for most of the changes and things we do. It removes obstacles, but nothing you do can force your spouse to love you or to come to terms with their MLC.

If you think about it, getting a life by doing things, building a social life, and give your spouse space -- makes you a more independent person. An individual in the marriage, less co-dependent on your spouse.

I am actually happier now, then I've been for some time. Less anxious or concerned about what my W is doing or not doing. I see this as the objective of DBing in our cases.

I still want my marriage to work out, I think we can have a great marriage, but I am more comfortable with the idea that if my W doesn't change, then I'll have to move to ending the marriage.

[mizjjd]

Good morning RL.

Hope you are feeling well today

[albamarie]

your H doesn't miss you. He is disgusted with your ways of ILY b/c of his crisis. He is looking elsewhere for affirmation. I think you want to play the pursuer/distancer dance not shower him with love. Is there any doubt in his mind you love him?

My H's IC asked him if there was any freedom I denied him. He said no. It wasn't enough to get him to come back

I have to agree with you RH. Tho disgusted is a strong work, unfortunately it is the right word.

Linda, this isn't meant to be harsh, only a good insight on what we have already experienced. My h said as much, stop L'ing me, you L me too much, your can't give me what I want right now, yes, there is something I get from POS/RT/F-Cow.

There is no doubt you L him, he knows that, but he doesn't care right now because it is about him. My H also said I can do whatever I want for him, that is not what will bring him back!

When I stopped showering him with all the extra's I pulled out after bomb day, and even pulled back more of the everyday courtesies, he did withdraw from me more, he even stopped speaking to me, but it was only to find his ''own'' way.

I am by no means on a road to recovery, but I have seen the difference pulling back has made. For me it was freeing....for him it was a growing up of sorts.

Now that I am not so close to it all I can see everything clearer and make better decisions for me.

best dm

[RosaLinda]

Thanks everyone for your input. Hi J. I'm feeling sort of sad this morning, but am okay, thanks for asking. I have another hearing this morning and it's so hard to drive 90 minutes with double vision. I hope all is well with you. 

Bea "For now, accept that he is 'gone'. That is hard, and you are somewhat traumatised, so getting back your equilibrium and joy in life is not a quick process."

J "It seems your H's pending journey has put you into a tailspin. You are a very smart lady. What can you do to stop your spin?"

Thanks Bea and J. My H is gone even though he's physically here. But I trust the process. I think that the fact that H stays here with me means something, is a good sign. And that helped me stand. And helped me to be able to be happy despite him. Most of the time

So I am doing "my thing." GAL doesn't always stop me from thinking and spinning. But praying and positive affirmations and visualizing and reading does. I have a lot to be grateful for. 

Bea "It follows therefore that you need to take the focus off your husband and put it on yourself, and live life for you. If you do not know what you want or who you are, then you have lost sight of yourself during all of this, which I totally understand, and also did."

How can someone not lose sight of themselves after 38 years of marriage? So much of my self identity is wrapped up in being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a nurse. H ripped the wife piece out of the jig saw puzzle of my soul. 

Bea "I won't try and deceive you - it was hard beyond anything I have ever done, but there is a payoff. I am fine, more than fine now, and I can look at my xh and see how broken he is. I disengaged myself from his drama. Detached, if you prefer that word. Detaching is almost zen. It is a real letting go. I used visualization, hard work, a lot of fun, close friendships with good people. I filled my life with good things, and gradually the overwhelming sense of loss and need faded."

Thanks. I hope H being away for a month helps me to disengage. I have a hard time with visualizaton but it helps, and positive affirmations too. 

Bea "If you think you ;need; your husband to be happy then you are not detached. I would like hugs, and the rest but I do not need them."

I don't need my H to be happy. But I want him. I want him to want me. I do need hugs. I get a lot of physical affection from other people but it doesn't replace being held in your husband's arms. 

J "I think the lines between MLC/moral defect/insanity are gossamer fine.
Determination can probably only be made from a distance - literal or temporal."

I guess the difference is that MLC is more like temporary insanity. 

J "Something to ponder - for myself possibly more than anyone else. The actual "leaving" of the spouse is NOT the worst that could happen to our Ms. Its just the result of the worst that has already happened. Once the bomb has dropped the M is over, regardless of WAS/MLC leaving or staying. This can be hard to see when the WAS/MLC remains in house. "

A bomb was dropped on me but I still don't believe it. Like Laura Munson said "I'm not buying it." maybe I'm temporarily insane too. 

uR "The hope is that eventually you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself. That the only way to really get through this is to detach. And that means that your actions, reactions and words are not based on his. "

I am realizing that you cannot make another person love you. The rest is hard but I'm trying uR. 

uR "It means you are living your life without regard to what he is doing or saying. 

It means that you walk your journey as you allow him to walk his. 

So, I believe, that dbing is a roadmap for how to live your life and sometimes it saves marriages. "

For ever? I can walk a separate journey. We are walking side by side but separate. I'd like to get to the point where our paths cross again. A lot. 

For YEARS we lived like that. H and I worked, we raised our kids, had different friends and interests. And we grew apart. In my opinion this is NOT a good way to live and I do not want it. I accept my H does not want me now so I will find happiness for myself now but will not do this indefinitely. If he does not want a wife within another year or two I will be done. 

uR "I cannot wait to meet you. I cannot wait for you to get to go to England." 

Me too! My British friend is taking me to a Billy Fury concert on my anniversary. Who the heck is that?

Wonka "Why wait for that chance? It would be good to continue doling out WOA to H. Look it at this way, you're trying to fill up his love bank (as in Harley) by putting in deposits in his 'love' account. Ignore his blather about appreciating it more from pen pals etc. Also we tend to have two primary LLs. What is your H's other LL beside WOA? That will help in DBing."

Thanks Wonka. His LL are WOA and AOS. I am doing it cautiously. Like sincerely told him how much I appreciated him brining me to the surgeon yesterday. And washed the car for him Sunday because he didn't have time. But I'm not going overboard!

rH "as we were preparing to D last fall (basically October through December) I took away H's LL. I clearly remember him being crushed when he asked for a hug as he was leaving. More than once. I said no. Yes, there were a few times I gave out a little bit (just enough to keep him hungry) -- holding hands at restaurant, etc. -- but basically I was telling H in his love language I wasn't gonna be around any more. "

That works for physical affection but don't think witholding words of affirmation or acts of service would have the same effect at all. 

rH "IMO, Linda, your H doesn't miss you. He is disgusted with your ways of ILY b/c of his crisis. He is looking elsewhere for affirmation. I think you want to play the pursuer/distancer dance not shower him with love. Is there any doubt in his mind you love him? "

Dawn  "I have to agree with you RH. Tho disgusted is a strong work, unfortunately it is the right word. 

Linda, this isn't meant to be harsh, only a good insight on what we have already experienced. My h said as much, stop L'ing me, you L me too much, your can't give me what I want right now, yes, there is somethi ng I get from POS/RT/F-Cow."

Wow girls wow. I am trying to imagine this. When I touch him, does he feel like I would if a homeless varmint riddled vomit covered bum touched me? Is that what you mean? Skeeved out. Disgusted. 

Sailing "About the DB-ing I did see it initially as a way to 'save' my marriage, but now I see it as a way to be a better person. Initially you do things by going through the motions, but then if the changes are good, it becomes part of you. I see myself as a better person, and a better partner in a relationship.
Will it save my marriage? Will it help my W get through her MLC and she becomes a better person? 
Probably not. "

I think loving and validating will help her get thru. And if you have no hope of saving your marriage, why bother?
-------
H drove me to the eye surgeon. My surgery is scheduled for Sept 4th, the day he leaves for Moscow. His mom will bring me, and he is taking the train to the plane. 

This upsets me. Please don't scold me for not being detached, but I feel sad that I will be having surgery and probably won't even hear from him to see how I made out. but I guess if that happens it will make it easier not to contact him. 

The doctor said for $2,800 extra he can use special lenses and I would not have to wear glasses anymore. When H and I doscussed it, he said to consider it carefully, we all make choices then regret them afterwards. I hope he takes his advice to heart, but doubt it. That's not the MLC way!

He was flirting with me in a sexual way last night like he would have in the past, and I totally misunderstood. Instead of lightheartedly flirting back I became serious. It's been a long time.  :(

Last April H asked me to give him time to sort out all of his confused feelings. Sometimes I think I would like to initiate a R talk when he returns, to ask if being over in Moscow changed his feelings for me and the Tramp, and what their plans are. But it probably will be better to just observe how he is acting. If I wait patiently, it will all be revealed, right?