The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Turtle I do believe them to be words of appeasement and nothing based in reality.

I think the scheme is that H will wait until I feel comfortable and then drop the final bomb. That is completely based in my own fear.

Not that I am as scared of it as I was a year ago, in fact as I mentioned I have been thinking about initiating it myself. I think I gain a false sense of hope with all of the time that has passed. But then again, nothing positive has happened with regards to the M in particular either.

When I am not emotional, I can wait. When I am angry and disgusted I want to lash out. And I was very angry and emotional about him skipping D6s bday.

I recognise this and realise I need to sit with my feelings in order to work through them and then make decisions.

I still find I have to pull myself away from H when he is around the house visiting the kids. I have to leave the room. My natural inclination is to hang around him still. It feels so natural at times...even after all of these years...the good still outshines the last three.

However, I realise that as soon as he is gone, his mind and heart and other organs are someplace else, so it makes it much easier to pull away while he is here.

I am fully aware he moved countries under the guise of 'work' and fully aware that he is not very kind to me, continues to violate himself and his family and me and our marriage.

After a little bit over a year of DBing...its finally sinking in...he is not on a pedestal. He is a man, going through his own journey. I must leave him to it.