The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Hi Tori- thank you. You have always been very generous and kind and supportive. I hope you are doing well. I think of you often too x

Labug- was rereading what you posted- yes I agree- 'until he takes responsibility for his life' - I hope I am taking the best responsibility I can for the kids until when/if he does so. This feels very awkward to me- its a new place for me- the way I feel towards H right now plus the boundaries and I have asked him to respect. I would rather right now he just stay away while he is like this... This person I do not like this person that is not these i knew for over twenty years. If I am feeling resentment towards him- disgust even--- that isn't detachment is it?

I haven't felt those feelings before in my sitch- I always just felt sad, ashamed, worthless etc. now that I have worked and feel more positive about myself- I feel much more negative about him. And I feel a need to protect myself from him now rather him rather than expose my pain and vulnerabilities.

[littleGTO]

Hi, bustin,

I agree that you need to protect yourself from him right now. Start asking yourself what YOU want moving forward. How is your new life going to look? What do you have to look forward to?

Part of detachment is recognizing our S's for who they really are--taking them off the pedestal we've had them on- the former version of themselves.

But they are not that person anymore and will never be. It doesn't mean they can't figure out their life and the mistakes they've made along the way or that someday they could be a better person than they ever were, ... but for now they are lost.

And, it is not our job to "find" them. In fact, we can't. It is their journey and we have ours. What is your journey telling you, bustin???

[bustingout]

Hi Everyone,

Well its been an interesting week. Nothing too interesting...just some observations. H arrived last Thursday night. I implemented my new boundaries immediately. It was the weekend, he came when he said he would. As far as I can tell he has not been calling or texting OW while he is here.

School started for us today (our week is Sun-Thurs) and that was a bit weird because he is no longer coming over in the mornings before school. The 'funny' thing is that when he arrived here a few days ago, it was obvious that he had not listened to me when I spoke to him about the boundaries before hand, nor had he read them when I sent him the text. So he was surprised when he spoke about the mornings and I reminded him that we were not doing that anymore. He said he would read the text. Up until now I dont know if he actually has. I told him if he has any questions I would be happy to speak with him.

I have a lot to learn though about how I view him. And I how I treat him. I need to remeber that my thoughts become actions and words. He is on his own journey and while it may hurt me at times still, I cant do anything about it and I cannot continue to judge him.

It was strange not to have him here in the morning...I didnt really like it and I wanted to cave because of the kids. As much as I tried to explain to them beforehand that daddy will not be coming in the mornings anymore, of course they want him and dont fully understand. I really felt like I implemented these boundaries for the right reasons, but this morning felt that maybe I need to suck it up more for the kids.

I have been reading and reading about boundaries. About MLC (again) and I think I am confused about where I am right now. I have really detached from H. I am civil with him and even friendly at times. I dont pursue, beg, etc. I still am learning HOW to communicate with him to be honest. I am learning how to action the new things I have learned with HIM.

Yesterday I was invited out by my friends (they used to be Hs friends too) and as I was walking into the restaurant, I found H walking in too to join us. I was really surprised but did not show it. I took it in stride and had a great night with my friends. I think everyone was a bit surprised he came. Its the first time he is in the same place as me socially, by his own choice, in...well I cant even remember when the last time was.

And now he is saying cryptic things to S9 and my nephew. My nephew asked him if he had ever been to Paris and H said no, I guess I will have to go alone sometime (boo hoo).

S9 was asking H (again) if he would come back and live with us and H told S9 they will talk about it later but that he promises things will get better. When S9 told me this I got a little upset inside because S9 felt that meant H might be coming home. I think its just H's new way of avoiding the question. I have not seen one tiny bit of any intention of H coming back towards us. Nothing different than in the past when I hoped I was seeing some signs.

I truly believe what we have learned here...that as long as OP in the picture nothing can move forward in the sitch.

I must further detach because I did let some obnoxious comments slip out the other day...I am still upset about him missing D6's bday.

He was very engaged during S9s bday, yet he didnt show up for D6's because he was with OW (he said I dont know the whole story-I said it doesnt matter, the result was that you chose to miss her birthday). I am planning a trip with the kids during our mid semester break and the kids asked him to come with us (i did not) and he said he would try. Yet, he is still with OW.


I put my head back into the here and now and thanked him for being here now for S9s bday and left it at that.

He says weird things...again cryptic. Today D6 told a fib and I told her (he was there) that she should never be afraid to tell the truth. No matter how hard it is to say it. He then mumbled something and I said excuse me I didnt hear you and he said no I was just commenting on what you said. I said I didnt hear. He said 'and the truth shall set you free' and I looked at him and kind of smiled and so did he. Then I said remember in a few good men when Jack Nicolson says 'you cant handle the truth' ? and i kind of laughed and so did he.

So I dont know what is going on in his head. I am sticking to my boundaries and moving forward with my life. Now that I have 18 year old nephew living with me, I have more than enough on my plate than to deal with the other 18 year old I am married too.

I will say this in complete honesty. I am still wary that he has some big scheme he is planning. I have always had that with me since this started. Its been one of the hardest things i have had to deal with within myself...not allowing myself to be happy because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I still am grateful for this journey. I hope I am doing the best I can for my kids.

[littleGTO]

Hi, bustin,

You have come such a long way, my friend! Good for you for implementing your boundaries and reinforcing that H sticks with them too!

What "scheme" do you think or could possibly think your H is conjuring up?

Interesting that your profile now says, "I might file." Where are you now? I'll ask you what Tori asked me, "What would it take at this point to save your M?" And how long are you willingt to wait for your H to show ANY signs of movement?

It is INTERESTING what your H told your son-- "Things will get better." It sounds like you believe them to just be words to appease your son and nothing based in reality.

Good luck with school now that you are off and running again! I'm right behind you next week!

[bustingout]

Turtle I do believe them to be words of appeasement and nothing based in reality.

I think the scheme is that H will wait until I feel comfortable and then drop the final bomb. That is completely based in my own fear.

Not that I am as scared of it as I was a year ago, in fact as I mentioned I have been thinking about initiating it myself. I think I gain a false sense of hope with all of the time that has passed. But then again, nothing positive has happened with regards to the M in particular either.

When I am not emotional, I can wait. When I am angry and disgusted I want to lash out. And I was very angry and emotional about him skipping D6s bday.

I recognise this and realise I need to sit with my feelings in order to work through them and then make decisions.

I still find I have to pull myself away from H when he is around the house visiting the kids. I have to leave the room. My natural inclination is to hang around him still. It feels so natural at times...even after all of these years...the good still outshines the last three.

However, I realise that as soon as he is gone, his mind and heart and other organs are someplace else, so it makes it much easier to pull away while he is here.

I am fully aware he moved countries under the guise of 'work' and fully aware that he is not very kind to me, continues to violate himself and his family and me and our marriage.

After a little bit over a year of DBing...its finally sinking in...he is not on a pedestal. He is a man, going through his own journey. I must leave him to it.

[JuneReN]

I love that you stuck to your boundaries!! It made me cheer!

It is so not our journey and it will never be. Once the full realization sinks in, it gets easier, don't you find?

Although, our own journeys are not easy at all, are they? It's been tough defining who I am. Today, for instance, with a thousand things happening I snapped at D. I apologized, explained it was me and it probably was not the best thing to engage me in any dialogue for a bit.

Before I would have just been mean, but the fact that I still was short as a result of my feelings and nothing to do with D always remeinds me of how much more I have to travel.

[bustingout]

Awww thanks Ruby. It was a bit easier today. I find that I am really not so 'sad' anymore as more just living in the day. I do enjoy when H is around because it just seems like we are complete as a family.

It is not what he wants now though, but it does not stop me anymore from living or enjoying my life and my kids and learning new things about myself and improving the things I dont like.

I know exactly what you mean your incident with your D. I was very much the same way and something I began working on early on in my journey. still work on it too!

[littleGTO]

Living in the moment is what it is all about!

And, counting our blessings...b/c let's face it there are so many people we know out there who have it far worse!

[keep_going]

Busting,

I just wanted to stop by and send you a hug. Our timelines and our situations have been and continue to be so similar in many ways. I always read your updates (although don't post much anymore) and just feel so connected with everything you share and all the emotion you express here - because I feel it too. Thanks for opening up and sharing.

And thank you for making me feel like I am not alone (or crazy) in this journey (and still a daily struggle for me) even after all this time...

I send you lots of hugs, dear friend - you are doing amazing and as always - your strength continues to be your kids' rock, foundation and refuge.

((((((busting))))))))

[bustingout]

KG I have missed you. Thank you for coming by. :-)

Its weird, its just so...'blah'. The way my H treats me is just so bland, so neutral. There is no emotion except for bursts of anger or forced indifference. Never any kindness, or tenderness or friendliness. I see him treat neighbors and strangers more nicely. And I dont get it. He tells people he 'misses' them after not seeing them for a few weeks, he stopped doing polite things that have nothing to do with me, but apparently they do. Like things I thought were just a part of him, that are a part of him.....opening the door for me, carrying a heavy bag. These are things he would do for any woman...not just me. I see him still do it for others. I just dont get it. If its such a part of him, how does he keep it suppressed so well? To me it would be trying to hold back laughter. I would eventually burst.

KG you are not alone...and definitely not crazy. We have been put in a crazy situation and are relearning that up is not always above us and down is sometimes sideways. I think it will be a daily challenge for me for the rest of my life...

sending you so much love and many many hugs (((((((((((( ))))))))))))