Circles no more

[shouldistillhope]

Update,

It's funny how time can seem to go by so fast, yet also very slow. Some days it feels like i have been divorced for a year when in reality it has only been a few weeks. I received the final paperwork on my D a couple weeks back, and i never opened the envelope. I just took it and threw it on the counter. Maybe someday i will open it up for a reminder of where i had to come from as far as trying to get through this, but not now.

A few things have happened since the last time i posted. Had a coworker pass away in a fire who i used to be somewhat close to. I used to have to work with her on a daily basis, but lately we had grown quite distant. She had started making some bad decisions in her life and ended up getting fired within the last 2 weeks. Last week we found out she had died.

I texted XW that i would not be able to pick up the kids on Friday as i usually do but instead i would be picking them up on Saturday since my coworker's funeral was on Saturday. XW did not know anything about her death, but she knew her as well since i had mentioned working with her a few times when XW and i were still married.

XW asked if it was alright if she came to the city on saturday to drop off the kids if i was willing to drive out to her house yesterday to bring them back. That was fine with me, so we agreed on that. I texted her later and asked if we could get together to talk about the situation with our house. It hasn't sold yet, and there hasn't been any offers on it. It's now time for me to move on and move out of my sisters basement and get a place of my own. This would work out great for me and my kids having my own place so they can have a new "normal"

The problem is, if my name is still on the mortgage on our house, i can't get a new mortgage for a place of my own. XW agreed to talk, so i texted her and asked if she wanted to meet for lunch to exchange the boys and talk about refinancing the house to her name. She didn't reply. On Saturday when it was time to meet her to pick up the kids they were eating at a fast food restaurant when i met them and they were almost finished when i got there. I sat down for a couple minutes to give them time to get done eating when XW asked what i wanted to talk about. I didn't want to discuss it at the end of their meal and told her we could talk about it sunday when i dropped the kids off. She rolled her eyes at me and said "whatever".

I didn't want to discuss it in the middle of a noisy fast food restaurant with only 5 minutes to do so. There are alot of things to consider and it is going to take a bit of time to discuss all the options and it just wasn't going to work at that time.

Yesterday before i left to bring the kids back i texted her and asked her if she would consider refinancing the house in her name since interest rates are going up and i was looking to move into my own place soon. Again she did not reply.

She has gone very cold lately, only texting me when i need to give her a check for daycare or insurance or the like. It has basically been this way since i moved out. I see absolutely no progress or even a hint of us working towards anything in the future so i guess no expectations means more to me every day.

She doesn't want to open up to me about anything, and that's okay, i don't need her to either. It is hard to hold onto hope with the way things are progressing right now. I have accepted the fact that i am divorced. I have asked for forgivness, i have taken the blame where i needed to and i have also aplogized to XW for all the times I have hurt her. It's hard to admit to myself, but it is now time for me to move on with my life while knowing she won't be a part of it. Life doesn't turn out like those sappy romance movies she used to make me watch.

The one thing i am holding onto however, is the fact that someday, i would like an apology from her. I don't expect one from her nor will i ever ask for one or demand it. That will be something she will have to do from her own heart, and i don't forsee it happening. That was one thing she always had a hard time doing when we were M. It was tough for her to admit she was wrong and when she was, she didn't want to aplogize at all.

I am tired of having hurt feelings. I am sick of feeling like i was a lousy husband and i no longer want to let it affect my self esteem. I still have that hope left in my heart, but it really doesn't seem to be leading me anywhere. I have been going the n/c route for quite some time now unless it has to do with my kids and i have also become quite a bit more mysterious when we do interact, but like i said, it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

If i have any more news to share in the future, i will certainly do so.