Conversations w/MLC Spouse

[KattK]

I'm new to this site and in need of advice (aren't we all?).

I'm dealing with a Taurus male. Yes, he fits the astrological profile to a T. Loves to help others, hates last minute changes (not very flexible there), decisive, HATES any comment that could in any way (within his own head) be construed as if he is wrong. Once he makes a decision it's almost impossible for him to admit it may not have been the right one.

On top of that, ALL of his family, parents, brother & two sisters have ALL been divorced, some more than once. It's kind of the throw away spouse society. We were together for 23 years and always joked that we were the couple that represented the part of the statistic of marriages that stayed intact. So the advice he's been given from all of them is "Oh, you deserve to be happy, move on, it's not worth working on your marriage,..." Needless to say, he's surrounded by pessimism. Of all of the couples the two of us survived the longest. Something was working and I know we can get that back if he's ever willing to try.

I've been reading a lot about MLC and just found the post that listed out in detail the stages and it really hit home with me. I didn't have much time when I was skimming through it but I could identify with things my H had said so I printed it off, two days later I re-read it and was shocked to see that I was identifying with things I myself had gone through. This explained and validated so much about the change in our relationship it left me both with a renewed sense of a glimmer of hope and also a bit of confusion knowing now it was more than a double edged sword I had aimed at my chest, it was more lethal.

I had my "awakening" on Sunday, January 13th, 2013 when he called me and told me he was not coming home. We had been out shopping the day before and he had been fine, even commented that he had a great day because he had spent it with his wife. Sunday morning he wouldn’t interact with me, he was cold and distant, was harsh in his tone when he spoke to me. Wouldn't even let me sit with him on the couch, so I did my own thing trying to not let his mood bring down my mood. He later admitted that the night after he left, Monday, he had been intimate with another woman. This led me to believe this may have been an ongoing thing for awhile for him either emotionally or physically, none the less it is what it is. He's been seriously seeing another woman since he left (he won't confirm if she is the same woman from "that night" or not and at this point its really irrelevant). He also has bought a house which when he first said he was interested in buying it he told me that if we reconcile it could be rented out.

I've been GAL & have come a long way. He's seen the changes in me and has been surprised by them and impressed with all I have done but still claims he's not coming home. He knows I'm still more than willing to fight for this. I'm doing all I can to not look desperate for him to change his mind, it's the hardest thing that I have ever done. I hate holding back my feelings when I talk to him. I can't do no contact because of the children, and I've been struggling with keeping the conversations only about them. I know I have to improve there.

If he is in the middle of a MLC, which I'm convinced he is, do I tell him that I think that he is and show him the article about the stages? I don't want to set him back, but I feel that if he could read it that may strike home with him as it did with me in identifying and validating what I've gone through. If he can see it within himself maybe he'd come around in his outlook about our M if he feels validated by knowing it's a process that a large part of the population transitions through.

Any advice here from people that have been through this and survived it would be appreciated. If he feels pushed in any way he pulls back even further so I can't afford to make any wrong moves here. Backwards is not an option. I need my family intact.