let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

I think I may have lost all hope. W and I had a long talk where I explained how my distancing from her in our past R was a mixed up attempt to get her to show me she loved me, but her responses felt like attacks to me and made me withdraw more. I explained how this kept cycling over and over until I believe she lost the desire to maintain our bond and she let go. There were moments when it seemed like I was getting through and others that looked like I pushed her away. I know now that she does not want any reminder of past pain, and that she does not trust me to open up again and be hurt more. She had agreed to therapy with me, but I'm staring to wonder if it would just be a waste.

She also told me that she had made an appointment with a lawyer "a few weeks ago" but canceled. I asked her if she had ever googled the effects of divorce on children, and that was the conversation killer.

I really don't think I can live without her, and I know it will kill me to find out she is with someone else. I am feeling so lost and sad today. I didn't sleep most of the night, and today is a long day at work. I will do my best to stay positive, but I feel like there is little there. My boys are an inspiration to carry on, but they also connect me to her and I have a hard time not missing her when I am with my boys. It used to always be family time, and now it's me and the boys or her and the boys.