Grizz, I think you know what you need to do. You practically said it in your post. First these:

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I feel like I can't win. She sets me up for failure. I hang around and I am smothering her. I don't invite her to do things then I am intentionally avoiding her which makes her mad.


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I am really getting tired of this. Honestly, every step I make is the wrong step.


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Even if it wasn't my W, it is hard to have someone act that way toward you. If it was a friend or coworker that acted this way then it would still bother me.


And finally this:

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I have a real hard time being around her when she acts like this. If she no longer wants me in her life then I can't keep constantly hanging around her. I can't take it. It's not good for me.


That is it right there. You can't be around her while she's acting like this. You can't keep hanging around when she doesn't want you in her life. You can't take it, it's not good for you. You are EXACTLY RIGHT. DETACH. GET A LIFE. LEAVE HER TO HER MESS! You can't fix her and you can't save your marriage by pandering to her and sucking up to her. Read what I posted to you up above. Really read it. I'm ahead of you on the timeline, I've already been where you are. You are still clinging desperately to the rope and you are fully locked in on your W's roller coaster. It is going to tear you apart if you don't get off of it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57