NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[sandi2]

Oh good, I am relieved to know it was miscommunication.

I'm sorry if this is causing confusion or frustration for you. That is not what I wanted to do. You may have to think of yourself entering a different "phase" of DBing. Some of the former advice may not be what you need to do at the present time, so it needs to be "tweaked" a bit.

From what I am seeing you say about validation, you relate it with the persona you present to your W. if I am incorrect, please straighten it out for me.

The way I understand validation, is it is something you say or do to cause the other person to feel that their words are valid, and that their actions are valid, their feelings are valid, and so on. In other words, you are assuring them that they have a right for whatever they say, do, or feel. My dictionary define validation as declaring something legal.

When she was living under your roof and you were trying to show her you were "awaken" by her BD, it was fine to validate to a point. But somewhere along time, some have began blurring the lines of what validation means, IMHO. But anyway, she is not living in your home and she has made decisions you do not agree with her about it. The two of you are not man & wife legally. I do not believe you should wrack your brain trying to find something to "validate" her, just to make her feel good about what she's done. Like I said before, keep focused on the level this R is in at the present time. It has shifted.
Do not confuse a compliment or a nice gester or a friendly personality with giving her validation. Maybe you should not worry about the word "validate" for the time being, since it seems a little confusing. I think some people pass that word along in DBing posts....and do not know the definition, I was here when it started being passed around, and it's still going.

""I am confused about how to act when I speak to her and meet her!
I get the few words and the being kind but could you write more about this issue?
What about the 37 rules – are they also gone? Do I need a new set of rules?"

Maybe you should forget the word "validate" for the time being, since it adds confusion. Okay?

How to speak to her and meet her: Nicely, politely, friendly, curtious..........as if she was someone you just met. You don't try to keep her engaged in a conversation, but you graciously answer her questions (that concern the children or joint property). In other words, it is like a business arrangement. You are nice, smile, polite, etc., but you don't care to spend any time with them. If you see yourself getting pulled in a chatty talk, you graciously end it.

This seems very odd to conduct yourself with a woman you have lived with and had your children. You will feel like you are an actor in a play. It will seem strange. It will not be what your emotions want. You understand that, right? You will come back here and tell me that's just not "you" and you will have to do it "your way" (whatever that is). But if you can stick it out, you will begin to feel better (according to reports from previous LBH's). It will give you strength to pull back emotionally and really begin enjoying life apart from your W.

While you are enjoying life apart from her, she will be going through a lot of "stuff" of her own. Oh, I'm sure she will present a happy face to everyone. Her pride will carry her along for a while. But she will be watching you and wanting to know what you are doing and why you aren't interested in being chums with her.

Now, I am not telling you to discuss the R with her, when I make the following statement, okay? She will ask you what's going on that you suddenly don't have time for to talk (or whatever). So, in order to keep her being extremely angry, I believe you should tell her in as few sentences as possible, that you always wanted a relationship with her that was set apart from the category called "friends". However, since she made her decision to leave that relationship, you must move forward to make a life without her. Be very careful at this point b/c it could easily slip into a R talk, and you can't let it go there. Tell her you don't want to talk about that now.

I think she will tell you that she will always want you to be apart of her and the kids' life. That is when you look deep in her eyes and say, "I intend to always be a part of my children's life. However, you and I will not be sharing family times with the kids. That is what separation is. Living seperate lives."

She may throw a bunch of teary-eyed emotional junk at you, but remain firm. When she tells you, "Can't we be friends?". You softly tell her no. You wanted to be more than a friend, but she didn't b/c she left. (This keeps the focus on her decision to leave.). Don't let her start with something like, "Well, you always............". Hold up your and in "stop" signal. Tell her, "we aren't going to rehash the past right now. Let's just leave this talk where it is for now.". Then tell her bye and leave, hang up, or whatever. But I think this does not need to be said in an email or TM. It is important that she see your face, or at lest, hear your voice. Do you agree?

The difficult part for you will be keeping it short. You may want to tell her to not hesitate if she needs to contact you about the girls. (That pushes your point a little deeper.)

The next time you speak to her over the phone, or see her at the door while exchanging the kids, you always appear happy. Give the kids lots of hugs and kisses. Hold your hand up in a little wave at her and say, "Well, see ya.". Then you leave, with the smile still on your face......as if you are exited to get somewhere.

Some may call it game playing. I call it knowing how women think! She is seeing you looking good and acting upbeat, and thinking to herself, "have I really lost him?".

It will take a long time before she is convinced you won't come around when she invites you. You will see various emotions in her. She has to experience the bad part of her decision to break up her family. She thought she could have you on her terms, her time, her calendar date, be her assistant in child care, and a friend to tell her troubles to. It will be a shock to her emotional system when she sees her fantasy plans crumble. After she has been force to do without her cake eating, then she will begin to doubt her decision and began looking more at what she lost as a result of that decision.

There should not be anything complicated about how you act around her, b/c you won't be around her except a couple of minutes at time, right? And if she calls and starts talking about something that does not refer to the kids, then you say, "I don't want to be rude, but I really have to go now". And if she is dumb enough to ask why.........then just give a soft little chuckle at her and say, "Bye W (whatever her name is.). She may get little huffed about it, but I can almost promise you she will be curious, which is another English word for "interested".

There are various stages she has to go through, and it takes a long time. That is why you must not watch her activity on social networking, or read emails about her problems or job, etc. (apart from the kids).