Interesting times

[beatrice]

I agree - woodburners is about the emotional limit - still I cannot be too absurd to have managed to buy and have installed a super efficient one!!

Anyway he is clearly exhausted from all this contact.

meanwhile I have finished my gateposts (two sets of gates, stone effect pillars). Gates to be hung this Wednesday Yay!!

He stays in touch for a bit then goes away again. Can't quite work out what is happening. I would like to believe he is thinking, but the evidence is against it LOL

[uRworthy]

Yep, he is exhausted from it. Poor him. Not! LOL!

Look at you, installing woodburners and gateposts and gates.

You are an amazing woman, my friend. Was always his great loss.

[wishing, hoping]

For me, it is a BIG mystery to me about the male MLC mind who stays stuck in the Mr. Hyde phase for a long time. Maybe I don't really want to understand that mindset for some of the cruelty shown outward, as in WH's example, is quite breathtaking!

What I am trying to see from where I sit is the why part as it relates to the male MLCer sustaining the Mr. Hyde aspect for soooo long. It has to be darn diring to keep that facade up!! From what I've seen on these boards with the mean-spirited male MCLer, it seems like that they work pretty darn hard to extinguish the small flicker of light/flame of 'love' they have for their wives. Then the ugliness rear's their head and they reach out to the XW to engage as a 'plaything' for them. It appears that they thrive on drama they deliberately cook up in their 'workshop'.

In my case, even in the midst of my MLC, I still had this deep love for Ms. Wonka that was suppressed deep in my receess. That seemed to keep me going toward to the other side and became whole again after the fog lifted. Granted, I have had the added benefit of Dbing.

Back to the Mr. Hyde thing. It just makes me wonder how these male MLCers can sustain it for long periods of time. The empathy chip isn't just simply out of order; it seems to point to an underlying character issue. We all operate to a certain extent on conscience that acts as our own North Star in navigating through life that alerts us to situations that induces certain behaviors and actions which are classified as either "positive" or "negative." For me, I just cannot imagine behaving in a cruel manner for a long periods of time. We all have had moments where we wished to take back something we've said or done in the heat of the moment. But for the male MLcer who purposely engages in outright, ongoing cruel ways...just don't get that.

I don't know. I could be completely wrong here.

Just wanted to touch upon this. My H WAS a bully in his youth. I have heard stories from his sisters and his younger brother about how H was mean and angry and would choke them or beat up on them. I just thought it was anger issues due to his parents' divorce. At first H did not send up any red flags. As our marriage progressed I started seeing cracks in the facade. Little by little I saw more bullying behaviors. Not so much with me, but at his work, or with his ex-wife or with others that we didn't know well. It wasn't until the last three years or so I really started noticing the bullying behavior being applied to me. I have seen it with the kids too.

H was also bullied by his mother. I think his dad was an absentee, alcoholic father. H now exhibits a lot of the behaviors and attitudes of his mother. Blames others, harbors resentments, financial irresponsibility, etc. His mom is a very unhappy, very "self-entitled" person. When we would visit her H would walk outside and leave me to converse with his mom who would sit and chainsmoke her non-filter cigarettes and go on to complain about injustices people I didn't know did to her tens of years ago. All I could do was smile and nod.

H was also bullied by his ex-wife in a way. From what I understand, he bought her everything and tried to take care of her, but she cheated on him and basically treated him very badly. I guess he is taking a lot of frustrations from his youth out on me. Is that fair? Not at all. Is there anything I can do about it? Not at all.

It's hard being a punching bag for an angry MLCer. I hope you are all right that it gets better.

WH

[beatrice]

The saga of the woodburner continues. He has just emailed me to say he is also considering two other brands - what is this? 'The Consumer Report on woodburners' people?

Also he wanted to know how I got it delivered to my house. Ummmmmmm in a van. Actually not quite such a silly query as I implied as distances are great, but still. Why do the minor things in life seem such a big deal to the Mid Lifer?

I may start a new thread shortly.

[RosaLinda]

Maybe he misses having you to talk to Bea, as a sounding board for his ideas. Imagine that as a conversation in person. It would be short and quite natural, even the part about the best way to get the stove home. 

But instead of calling you to discuss the best kind of stoves like a normal person does, xH texts you about it. Over several days!  My H does this too, communicate via text as much as possible even though I am a few rooms away. 

I think the sporadic but frequent texts are his way to keep in contact but give him the safety net of only having to respond when he wants to. And of being able to ignore anything HE wants to ignore. 

I wonder how OW2 views all this texting! Bea in her eyes, YOU are the OW and probably make her quite insecure!

[job]

Bea,
I had to chuckle this morning as he is using the woodburner as a way to stay in touch w/you. He's found the "key" to the door of communication and he's using it. The next subject will be what type of wood you use and where do you purchase it.

As for the 0w2, she may realize that he's touching base w/you and doesn't feel threatened at all since you've been divorced for a while and he's only seeking out info right now.

I do believe the man will continue to communicate w/you on subjects that he feels are safe and will not scrap the surface of his emotions/soul. The question is...how do you feel about it all?

Take care.

[beatrice]

I find it so funny - we went for many months, even over a year on at least two occasions, without any contact during the last 8 years

I was sorely tempted to say that a band of pixies dressed in green uniforms translocated it

But you are probably right - he finds this safer than speaking. As for OW2 - I neither know nor care what she thinks. She has to deal with him on a day to day basis, not me, and for that I am grateful. I suspect he doesn't tell her. And he is so paranoid about security that I do not think she would be able to snoop, even if she wanted to. I am sure OW1 snooped, but OW2 seems to be a nicer person.

He actually emails, not texts, as where I live is so remote that there isn't a mobile signal at the house (I can pick up messages about 100 -200 yards away). People find it strange but you get used to it.

Xh is clearly renovating this house to spend more time in it but what has prompted it I do not know. And second guessing these guys is not possible.

[job]

Bea,
Maybe he's gotten the renovation bug from you. He may be aware that you are doing some work at your place, therefore, he has to do some as well. But, one thing for sure, he's communicating more now than before and I think it will continue.

I think he's finally settling down a bit and wants to fix up this particular place in order to have a place to really call his own. I do hope that one day your h will settle himself and reconnect w/his family in a meaningful way and enjoy his children and future grandchildren. He's lost a lot of ground over the years and he won't be able to get that back.

You are absolutely correct...we can't second guess these guys. It's nearly impossible to guess what is really going on in their brains.

BTW, what projects are you working on now? I'm sure you've got some things planned for the coming weeks.

Bea, please take care of yourself.