better to love or be loved?

[25yearsmlc]

WW

the divorce is just a piece of paper. I have had two family members divorce and then remarry a few years later. So yes, it happens.

I assume you have all the legal information you need, for now? Please assume that your h has planned this for longer than you believe. That means you may NOT know all the financials unless you have been handling them all along.

And a small fyi, I am missing some of your threads. When your thread gets too long, start another one with the same name but a number in sequence...make sense?


I mean, I don't know how the kids are doing or how the talk went, etc. And I still don't know if you identified ANY issues you want to own or change about yourself. I mean, what are your 180s?

Anyhow, hang in there. It's not hopeless but then, giving him all the perks of a divorce with zero of the costs, is another issue.

But my DB coach told me to "contrast the life my h was creating for himself, a cold and mostly lonely life, with the warmth of a loving home", which I DID create and have with my kids.

I came to see that he was losing more than me. And maybe that radiated. All I know is once I truly accepted that he was likely gone but that I was going to be happy, anyhow,

things seemed to get better. In my life, and in my m.

It's a paradox, b/c you can't do it TO SAVE the marriage but b/c you are finally ready to be alright with it ending.

Also it used to slow my progress down when I'd say "but I don't WANT a divorce".

I mean, no one wants cancer either, but if you get that diagnosis, you need to get your crap together and start the chemo...not keep repeating that you don't want this. We know.

So I began saying and praying for the strength to handle WHATEVER was coming my way, with dignity and grace. I figured I would never regret having self respect and coming from a healthy place, with my actions and words.

And I don't have regrets about that. I DO have regrets about my h's r's with the kids but that problem is not something for you to worry about now. Just let your kids feel what they feel, without you adding any anger to it.

Have they seen any counselors? They will need to. But that does not mean they'll fail out of school. If it did, half the kids in college or high school would be dropping out all over this nation.

The sad reality is how many divorces are happening now, with so many walking wounded still going to work, school and carrying on with their lives. kind of amazing.

So what are your New GAL? Any FUN things? Any new people?

Please meet some. Going back to school is great but you need to do something purely for the JOY of it.

Make sense?

[SoLostandAlone]

WBW ~
Short and sweet. What's left of my own heart goes out to you. I know how badly it hurts. Never even saw this coming for me. A slap in the face doesn't quite cover it.
You'll be in my prayers. Hugs.
~SLaA

[willbwell]

WW Thank you 25 for reading my post. I remember reading yours when I was milling about the forum. I remembered your signature.








I mean, I don't know how the kids are doing or how the talk went, etc. And I still don't know if you identified ANY issues you want to own or change about yourself. I mean, what are your 180s?

My issues that I know I need to change are learning to not be so smart aleck in my responses to h. I can be opinionated. While its good to have an opinion, I know it can get on my h's nerves. I am messy and h is more type A. I mean my house is clean, I'm just not as neat as h.
The kids and I have had a good summer. S20 is most bothered by situation. he has see a counselor. s 16 says sit doesn't bother him. he has a lot of friends from D families. All of s20's core friends are from intact families. d16 is just good and sweet. she will stay at h's apt. boys do not.
Anyhow, hang in there. It's not hopeless but then, giving him all the perks of a divorce with zero of the costs, is another issue.

Here is my issue. I let him come back home twice.zero cost to him. Back to school is coming up. Feel certain h will want to stop by morning of first day to see kids. I will say 'sure' but thinking in my heart, 'you don't want to be here for the day in day out'
I let him see the kids whenever he asks. It is around his schedule and convenient for him. He doesn't just hang out with the kids.

But my DB coach told me to "contrast the life my h was creating for himself, a cold and mostly lonely life, with the warmth of a loving home", which I DID create and have with my kids.

I will remember this

I came to see that he was losing more than me. And maybe that radiated. All I know is once I truly accepted that he was likely gone but that I was going to be happy, anyhow,

things seemed to get better. In my life, and in my m.

It's a paradox, b/c you can't do it TO SAVE the marriage but b/c you are finally ready to be alright with it ending.

Also it used to slow my progress down when I'd say "but I don't WANT a divorce".

I mean, no one wants cancer either, but if you get that diagnosis, you need to get your crap together and start the chemo...not keep repeating that you don't want this. We know.

So I began saying and praying for the strength to handle WHATEVER was coming my way, with dignity and grace. I figured I would never regret having self respect and coming from a healthy place, with my actions and words.

I wrote this down as a reminder







So what are your New GAL? Any FUN things? Any new people?

I have great friends and a great family. I am busy with the kids schools. I lead an active and fulfilled life. almost it is hard to add in something else to my day. I exercise, I read, I volunteer when I can. I am spiritual.

If,I had all the time in the world, what would I do for myself? linger in an art museum, take dance and piano lessons, take more yoga classes, take a cooking class, clean out my closets, study Spanish. The list could go on and on, but there are only so many hrs in the day!

Please meet some. Going back to school is great but you need to do something purely for the JOY of it. I enjoy school and learning. Really my classes have been helpful in keeping me busy

Thank you again 25 for your wise words

[Cadet]

And a small fyi, I am missing some of your threads.

Here is a list of all her threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=31271

13 of them!

[willbwell]

thank you guys...obvioulsly need help...

So, h has not said anything further. I had sent an email with some other financial question/concerns. have not heard back. thought I would yesterday. He was out of town all last week.
I am not going to mind read.
I am focusing on myself and kids and the activities that I am involved in. I am busy this week with back to school

I feel sad for h, he is missing some great time with his kids. I pray for all of us.

[willbwell]

the part that stings was his saying he did not want to be at our home.

Hopefully that was his anger and confusion talking.

I know I just said I was not going to focus on him....

I like this time of morning. Its quiet. I use it for prayer, reflection and to organize my day

[RosaLinda]

Hi WiiBWell! Thanks for writing on my thread, I figured I'd come check out what's going on with yours!  You wrote:

"so in regards to this 'letting go'...h wants D. For now, I am not saying anything. just going about my day to day. if I get served, I will have no choice. but for now, I will let h worry about D. H is mad at me that I didn't proceed with D at the start of the summer( he said that) and now here we are at the end. I start classes next week. I am not asking anything of h right now. I will do my classes and take care of kids. but, I will say, I do feel stuck..."

How MLCish that your H is still threatening D with every second breath, and hasn't filed but was angry with YOU for not filing. 

I agree that since he wants the D, he should have to do all the work. The vets have been advising us to let go, that if we cherish our Hs enough, we will let them go with love, to follow their journey of discovery. 

Detaching sounds great in theory, but is a bit harder in practice! I'm better but not completely detached. I suspect it is something that comes and goes as we grow more or less emotionally hardy. How are you doing in the detaching department WBW?

[willbwell]

yes, the detaching is hard. H has moved out, but he will call/text d everyday using my phone. I give her the phone to answer. I could tell h to call on the house phone but I don't.

it is the financial stuff that scares me. its the having to do all the stuff I haven't had to these past 20+ years. like, pay the bills, insurance, car tags etc...Stuff I can do I know, just adds to my daily list- welcome to grown up world I guess. I've had it easy being a SAHM.

This is the big one, and I know you are dealing too... knowing h is with someone else having a good time. doing fun stuff, not a care in the world. Meanwhile... I put my kids first. I think ow leaves her kids with her mom so she can be with my h. way to go!

yep, life is not fair. but, I will say, I do know my blessings. I have great kids, great friends, a great family.

i'll say this here. I know I am supposed to focus on me and not h, but here is my detach struggle...I want h to be a better guy. I want him to see how great and the joys of family. he says he is there for kids, but doesn't want to be married. I know a million times I can't control him. I have to accept.
Thanks for letting me share.

[kat727]

Your H is living Ina fantasy fog. He isn't going to see what you want him to see, only what he wants through his fantasy glasses. Focusing on him and hoping he will become aware right now, anyway, isn't going to do it.

You need to work on you now. Don't let him call your cell to talk to your daughter, have him call the house phone. Next time do that. This is your home now and that is a rule for you. By him calling your cell he is 1) tying you to the phone and keeping you close and 2) controlling the situation. Nip that in the bud.

I have been where you are. Even 5 years post divorce he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He is busy raising her kids not his own. He did marry OW almost 3 years ago. He tries to have it come off like he is this wonder dad but his own kids call it: he isn't interested in being a dad, just an occasional buddy. My heart aches for them but at least they see it.

Hang in there. kat

[kml]

Hire an attorney!

You don't have to be the one to file for divorce, but really - unless he is giving you a boatload of money right now, you need to file for a temporary order of support etc.

Also -it may financially be to your advantage to file NOW, while you are still unemployed, than a year from now once you have completed your training.

Look after the money which is the BUSINESS part of all this. Don't trust him to be generous, get it in writing. Protect yourself and your kids. You have a complicated situation and you need an attorney who will fight for you and your daughter.