I am a Newcomer.

[SoLostandAlone]

This text messaging is really killing me. I know we aren't supposed to try to be "snooping", but I just want to know the truth. He never used to text like he does now. He insists that there is no one else but goes out to smoke for hours and texts. I can see it's texts through the window. It's not games or Facebook. It's texting. It's not crazy to want to know 1) the truth, 2) if you have unknown "competition", 3) what that competition is. No army goes into battle without knowing their enemy and having a battle plan. I don't need to see all the texts. Just to know whether it is in fact another woman or just different friends. He does all this using his work phone. He doesn't have a personal cell under our contract anymore and even if he did, his dad just took the kids to start a new contract and take over all but my phone. I got through most of the day calmly, but this evening has been a tear fest - trying not to let him see. He still wants D. At least, he hasn't said otherwise. This is a hopeless battle. He is stubborn and when he sets his mind to something, he doesn't change it. I have no money to try to work on my appearance even for just a new haircut. My new med seems to give me a little bit of energy, so I need to get to exercising to lose the 50lbs I gained working from home. I had LASIK in 2004 and the 20/10 vision I had after that is no more. I've been back in glasses for the last few years. These may all sound like small things to some people, but it took me a long time in my life (27) before I actually felt anywhere close to good about my appearance. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I can't stop thinking about the inevitable demise of the most sacred relationship I've ever been in. I am in such a dark place. In a fog. I don't know how to move on. He probably won't even care if I get myself back to good. I'm sure he's already found my replacement. I am so angry and bitter and confused. I have few friends to talk to and they don't help all that much either. Everyone is sorry I'm going through it. I still cannot comprehend how it happened. He tells the kids he loves them every night and I remember when I got to hear those words to. I didn't appreciate them. He says I wasn't tender or affectionate. Was I really that bad? I try to remember. I always asked him to kiss me goodbye in the morning when he left for work. There were some kisses when he got home. I tried to hold his hand when we were in the car going anywhere. How did this go so wrong? I am going insane with if's. We won't be sleeping in the same bed soon or even under the same roof. I remember the very last kiss I gave him telling him I wanted us to grow old together as he was leaving for one of his last few road trips. I will never feel his lips again. I will never be with him intimately again. Why didn't I show him the affection he needed? Why didn't he tell me how he was feeling? How do you just stop loving someone you've been with just about every day for 10 years? How do you do that to your best friend? If this is who he has become, why is it so hard to let him go? He can't initiate the D until mid October. He will still be in the new love stage with whoever it is. Of course he'll initiate it. I need to talk to a lawyer this week, but what steps usually happen when? Can I deny a divorce? Can I request court mandated counseling? Will his anger over forced counseling subside? Will it help? When he leaves should I give him a copy of Michele's SSM and ask him if he could at least do me a last kindness and read it? So much of that applies to me and my intimacy issues. Why won't he give me a chance to work on these things? He dropped IDLYA on me out of nowhere. Is asking for some time really asking for that much? He knew. HE KNEW my worst fear our whole marriage was losing him. Why is this happening?
Dear God. Please give me strength. I am falling apart. Please give me comfort, courage and wisdom. Please guide me to the path You want me to take. Please take some of this pain away - it hurts so much it's unbearable. It's all I can think of Lord. Please show me Your will. Please lead me where You want me to go. Please don't leave me like he has done. If my marriage can be saved and restored, please God show me what You want me to do. Please Lord remove the toxins seeped between us and into our marriage. Please help me God. Please help me. Please help me heal. Please Lord give me the strength to overcome this pain. Please show me they way You would have me go. I cannot do this alone. I cannot bear this without You. Please let me feel Your comfort. I gave all I had to this man. Please step in and help us through this to a stronger marriage that You are the center of. I don't know what to do Lord. But there has got to be some better way for me to fill this emptiness. This void. Please wrap me in Your kind and loving arms Lord. My life is Yours, Father. I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father. Amen.