subguy, I have been a person who always acted out of emotion, lashing out, moving, changing jobs, usually because someone else was not doing what I thought they should. If I just changed one more thing, then I would be happy.
I was the unhappy person and I was the common denominator in all those situations. Hmmmm
Throughout my sitch I have had those feelings of being unsettled, needing to change something. The changes included, selling the house, moving away either within AZ or going back to my home state :0, going back to school, changing career tracks, and filing for divorce. As I've learned more about me, I realize that this is not ME coming up with these ideas, it's fear. Fear of letting my life unfold in front of me, fear of not having control, fear of facing my demons, fear of feeling disrespected.
This is my H, Bug. Very interesting..."I will be happy when, or if...". And he is not.
subguy, I have been a person who always acted out of emotion, lashing out, moving, changing jobs, usually because someone else was not doing what I thought they should. If I just changed one more thing, then I would be happy.
I let my marriage wither away for the same reasons.
I was the unhappy person and I was the common denominator in all those situations. Hmmmm
Throughout my sitch I have had those feelings of being unsettled, needing to change something. The changes included, selling the house, moving away either within AZ or going back to my home state :0, going back to school, changing career tracks, and filing for divorce. As I've learned more about me, I realize that this is not ME coming up with these ideas, it's fear. Fear of letting my life unfold in front of me, fear of not having control, fear of facing my demons, fear of feeling disrespected.
With all of these ideas of change, people along the way, including my IC have told me to wait, if it's right, it will be right, just be calm, you're not ready yet, sit.
So I have, and they were right. I like where and I am and who I am right now. I have joy in my life. Like you, my life before was comfortable but joyless. I've learned how to be happy, how to honor myself, how to have really great Rs. Like is attracted to like. People who "get" the new, fearless, awake, aware, joyful subguy will be attracted to you and you will be amazed at how much richer your life can be.
You've had such growth through this process subguy, I'm happy for you.
Oh yes... unhappiness in the guise of if only I had ______. I can relate, now a days I am more at peace with who and where i am. Changing me is about bettering me not changing to try and fit into a model I think my wife will like.
Originally Posted By: bustingout
I am with you both on this. I am more and more aware of how much this journey is about me and my growth. It has nothing to do with H anymore. Just like he blamed (s) me for his actions past and present, I did a fair amount of my own projection and displaced hurt with him as well. I was a person I did not like and this is what I needed to begin reevaluating myself and how I treat the people I love.
Awesome!!! The man who ends up in your life is gonna be lucky.
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
Nice to see you finding yourself Subguy. I can relate with the self discovery bit. I just cant believe it took something so dramatic to get me to reflect on who I was and want to be.
I was also questioning joining the dating game again but then it will make the road a bit rougher if she chooses to come back.
The pain of being rejected is a tough one. Just remember She chose to leave you and you should have great pride in knowing you did everything in your power to make this work.
Continue to move forward with you head held high. Good things will happen!
Maritimer, dating is a tough nut to crack, like bug said when we are ready we will know. I'm just waiting for that time then I'll dive into that shark tank and see what Hammerhead I land hahahahaha
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
I agree with you Busting . This has become a journey about me, more than a relationship with my H What we want and what we need are two totally different things. While I want to be with H I have come to the realization that A) he may not want the same and B) it may not be what I need at this point.
My decision to start dating has come out a hard look at myself and my current relationship with H. Time to let him stand a little more on his own And me too.
Ruby, your pretty friggin neat... ran a half with a jacked up toe. If you told me you drove a 4 wheel drive truck and toted a gun... I'd sell everything and move just for a shot at ya lol. Keep being your awesome self and a little red neck attitude is awesome
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Ha!! I do have a four wheeler and of course, my time in Naval Reserve leaves me pretty knowledgeable around firearms, but I have a rep. to uphold here. (Kinda liking the redneck though...)
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
LOL Kate here I come, I'm an ex Navy guy myself... I rode submarines foe six years (duh!!! my name ).
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
Moving time subguy?
hahaha yep when Ruby sees a truck like the Beverly Hillbillies rolling up she'll know I'm there. She had me at four wheeler...
I just figured out why i have had so much anxiety the last week or so. My date for the judge to sign is coming up within a week and I don't want to be alone... Well, guess what subguy?!?! I'm already there. I'm only really as alone as I make myself. I have friends that are willing to help me through. I just have a tough time asking for help, not sure why. Is is a guy thing or just a subguy thing? I don't want to just fill my time with endless activity and at the end of the day have to wind up dealing with my issue so... not sure what path to take on this. I have an appointment Thursday with IC, think i'll ask for some guidance. oh also if anyone here has some good ideas speak up or I'll have Ruby take it up with you.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
There's a difference in being alone and being lonely. I'm an introvert so I'm OK with being alone more than some people but I do sometimes get lonely. Not very often and as time goes on it gets less so.
It took a while to get used to having my time be all my own, but it's actually good. Dinner doesn't have to be at a certain time, or at all. If I'm reading at 5 pm, I just keep reading. :)I have friends to do things with when I want that.
I don't like the mindlessly busy thing either.
It will work out, you'll get into a groove that works for you.
What kind of help would you ask for? Being vulnerable and asking for help is tough, I have difficulty with that also.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
There's a difference in being alone and being lonely. I'm an introvert so I'm OK with being alone more than some people but I do sometimes get lonely. Not very often and as time goes on it gets less so.
It took a while to get used to having my time be all my own, but it's actually good. Dinner doesn't have to be at a certain time, or at all. If I'm reading at 5 pm, I just keep reading. :)I have friends to do things with when I want that.
I don't like the mindlessly busy thing either.
It will work out, you'll get into a groove that works for you.
What kind of help would you ask for? Being vulnerable and asking for help is tough, I have difficulty with that also.
Thanks bug... yes lonely and alone are two different things, thats why we need good gAL I guess to expand our social network.
What kind of help would I ask for?? I actually ask certain friends if the way I acted was wrong and really try to listen. I also reach out to my friends now when something is weighing on my heart or am just feeling lonely. I huge twist from the usta subguy.
Hhmm I finally figured out the alt thing lol, only took me more than half a year. I am not normally that much of an air head but this time wow I was really stuck in stupidville lol...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I just realized that I am guilty of participating in the Karpman Drama Triangle... oh my gosh... man it never stops lol. Once I think I start to get a handle on me God allows me to realize something else about my character.
Okay so what happens is as follows. Someone will ask me to do something, if I say no that should be the end of it. Well obviously it isn't haha. If that person then starts in with trying to convince or give me the guilt trip i usually give in and say yes. then I'll be resentful because I really don't want to do it and give the guilt trip back or act crappy.
I am reading co-dependent no more and this scenario just happened and I realized almost immediately afterwards. Ugh!!! another thing to work on. I felt guilty which is why I said yes but i held onto resentment because i gave into the guilt that i felt. Now, to start realizing this while it is happening and allow the other person to live with my decision and to stop owning their guilt. Question is how to do just that...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Realization is a gift, much like the soreness after a really good work out, uncomfortable but necessary for growth. I guess issues like character faults are revealed to me slowly over time so that I am not overwhelmed with them all at one time. I think this allows me time to digest the new found info then move forward a few steps. Well, at least i am trying.
Why do I react this way? It seems like when I say no on an issue to someone and they start in trying to convince me, I get uncomfortable. I react and usually begrudgingly give in, then resent the fact that they did not honor my no. When the whole time I did not honor myself and MY no. Interesting dynamic... Is it low self worth? Co-dependency? For some reason this has stirred up something in me that is keeping me awake tonight, obviously it's worth exploring a lot more. I should let my yes's be yes and my no's be no and let the other person deal with their feelings of rejection if they have any. I think that is the key, not owning the feelings that they have or the feelings I think they will have.
My D should be final on the 20th, i think that is another reason I am up this late. I was doing pretty good until yesterday and I started thinking about the finality of it all.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
. This has become a journey about me, more than a relationship with my H