NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks again – I hope you slept well!
I am off to bed soon! I have been helping one of these mutual friends working his garden today – it has been nice. They posted a nice picture of me on FB and at the same time W posted about us attending the concert. This last thing makes me realize how much she needs to tell the world that this was the right decision and properly also that we agree on this….
Weekend is over and tomorrow the girls leave me for 9 days – that’s going to be hard.

How long has it been since she stayed the first night in her new place? I really, REALLY wish you would have started this path the day she left b/c it would have been less complicated.

August 1. was the first night. We have seen each other a few times since then, she has contacted me several times and I think I have only called or contacted her getting back to her. I agree but was advised to stick with the 3-1. I can’t change this now. I don't think my chit-cahtting is nearly as much as I read you - I have withdrawn A LOT! I haven't told her anything about whats going on in my life for two weeks. I have answered her questions but that's it.

When I say less complicated, look at this trip to the concert with her and her family. Since you have waited till now to use the LRT, she may be more confused by your actions to step away from her...."now". B/c you were acting like her buddy. See what I mean? So, it still works, but may take longer. Just want you to understand

Buddy means the same as friend to me and if that’s true I haven’t been her buddy since she moved. It has almost only been practical stuff and children.
I haven’t been hanging around her place – in fact I have only been there at one occation and that was D6 first day at school. She has been here eating once and that was a major mistake. I can clearly see her family-cake-eating on this occasion in the rear view. I haven’t offered my help, my ear or anything except at this occasion so I do hope the fault is not too big.

I agree about the XW1 –matter and I have already called her and told her I wouldn’t go.

I get you on the advice/coaching part and do agree with. Let’s just leave this be – can’t change anything!

It is confusing! I suggest you not write about pre-bomb times or something that she said a couple of months ago. Maybe this will cut back on the updated facts. Remember how confusing T100's posts became b/c he would write an entire thread of several ways mhe was THINKING of saying something to his W? I believe he has stopped doing that and it helps a lot.

I will try to stick with the present and the facts – please 2x4 me if I backslide on this one.

But that is usually after there was a lot of fighting between the couple, or the WAS was having nothing to do with the LBS. what I want you to see here is there needs to be a break.....a gap......a space of time......before a couple is ready for that stage. Your W has been a little different, but as we've said, you have made things really easy for her. She is wanting to go to concerts with you. That is unusual, compared to others. And if you want to continue as things are right now, just say so. I can't promise you that your W will R with you by doing it this way. I believe you stand a better chance of R the M, but you have to make that decision and own it. I don't want you to come back later and say if you had not listen to Sandi you would have R the M. Okay? I am not a professional MC.

I get you on the break/friendly stage – just never read this explanation anywhere. That’s properly just me! I understand it. She is not just wanting to go to concerts – she wants christmas, birthdays, newyear, weekly dinners and this is just what she has told me to my face. I do not want to continue things as they are now and I know you can’t promise me anything. It is my decision to go with your advice and therefore the only one to blame in all of this is me. I don’t know the chances for R but right now I believe a full-blown LRT gives the best chances and that’s my personal belief – I would never ever dream of holding anything from this forum against you or anybody else.

Got you on the reign!

I do believe I got you on the explanation towards her and friends and I will aim my response towards her decision. If she wants clarification I will tell her that I don’t feel like being friends and at the same time that I will not be unfriendly towards her. If friends wants clarification I will tell them that this is what I need to do right now for me to be able to move forward. If they ask further I will end it. I believe the mutual friends and the cousin will accept this answer without holding anything against me…and if they don’t that’s just too bad.
If you agree I will practice this until I got the wordings right. Do you agree?

I will continue validating her feelings around the children. As an example the scouting issue will demand this. She came down hard on me when I told her that I saw problems in regards of D6 attending this and told me that I would have to tell this to D6 and take the blame.
I have practiced validating but I am not very good at it.

A FEW QUESTIONS FROM LAST POST:
Could you clarify on warmly?
What is your thought on the scouting-issue?
Should I hold back on the defriending on FB when circumstances are as written?


F