I'm sure you are looking forward to being able to stop DBing. I am assuming we can stop it someday? I can not and will not live the rest of my life standing back, only speaking when spoken to, never initiating physical contact.
My sweet friend, I brought this over from Rh's thread so I could talk to you about it. Hope that is ok.
I know that you are struggling right now. I want to tell you that it is ok. You are so very hard on yourself sometimes, sweetie. Please dont be. This is tough stuff. Heartwrenching, life changing stuff. And it is ok to have days when your resolve is low.
What I want so much for you to see is that dbing is not what you wrote about up there. ^^^^
Dbing allows us to become who we were meant to be and sometimes it saves marriages. I know for me, dbing is a way to navigate through life. It is seeing things with a beginnners mind, not going down cheeseless tunnels, doing what works, letting go of things you cant control.
It is about finding you, finding your strength, finding out who you want to be. It is about accepting others for who they are.
You see, if you really accept that your h is in crisis, if you accept the things about you that needed to change, if you embrace who you are and what you want, then, you have db'd well.
It isnt about standing back and being quiet and letting your h do whatever he wants.
It is about you finding happiness within you and accepting that you have no control over him.
It is letting go with love. And having the understanding that you love him enough to do that and you love you enough to need to.
My friend, find you, fill your life with people and things and experiences that make you feel fulfilled.
Accept that your h cant make you happy, only you can.
And really believe that you are an exceptional person, an amazing woman and friend, with such pure love in your heart. You are so worthy, my friend. I want so much for you to feel that.
thank you all for the reminders. Hope someday that I can contribute to others in this way. I feel I am gaining thru reading your experiences and what I know maybe in my heart to be true.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
uR "You see, if you really accept that your h is in crisis, if you accept the things about you that needed to change, if you embrace who you are and what you want, then, you have db'd well.
It isnt about standing back and being quiet and letting your h do whatever he wants.
It is about you finding happiness within you and accepting that you have no control over him.
It is letting go with love. And having the understanding that you love him enough to do that and you love you enough to need to.
My friend, find you, fill your life with people and things and experiences that make you feel fulfilled.
Accept that your h cant make you happy, only you can."
oh dear uR. I know I am supposed to fill my life with happiness, find that old inner peace and contentment that I lost when my H told me he doesn't love me anymore, and I am working on that.
But I thought that the Dbing is the giving H space, being quiet, not pushing him, and letting him go. With love.
The DBing is the working on myself? uR I have to be honest, I thought if I worked on myself, fixed all of the crappy things about me, got my happiness back AND gave him the space etc, I would have a better chance that his heart would return to me when his MLC is over. That is why I am standing. Is that wrong?
I guess I'll have to try to do better GALing. Or better something. Better detaching?
I am trying to be happy, and am doing things that make me happy. I usually am happy uR. Just once in awhile it all gets to be too much. Usually when I so need a hug or reassurance from H. But I'm really fine now, thanks for your love and kind words and encouragement.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
"The DBing is the working on myself? uR I have to be honest, I thought if I worked on myself, fixed all of the crappy things about me, got my happiness back AND gave him the space etc, I would have a better chance that his heart would return to me when his MLC is over. That is why I am standing. Is that wrong?"
I think this as well....maybe we're both wrong?
I do know I need to do better at GAL and detaching too We'll get there:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
The DBing is the working on myself? uR I have to be honest, I thought if I worked on myself, fixed all of the crappy things about me, got my happiness back AND gave him the space etc, I would have a better chance that his heart would return to me when his MLC is over. That is why I am standing. Is that wrong?
It is the added benefit of DBing which is improving yourself and changing habits & patterns that you do NOT like about yourself. How you act, react, and respond based on DBing principles does lessen the negative effects on the WAS to a certain degree. I need to gently remind you that it is no iron clad guarantee that the WAS will return to the M. It is a 50/50 chance. I'd take it anyway.
This is why we all urge and encourage DBers to detach and focus on themselves rather than watching the paint dry at MLC Museum.
Thanks Wonka dear! Here is my new improved Plan A, what do you think? I will work so hard on myself and will become such a fabulous diamond diva á la Portia and Mz. J that my chances with H improve to at least 75-25%. And if he is so stupid to give me up, I will have my choice of the other fellahs who will be waiting impatiently for me to give them the time of day. This plan does not involve watching paint dry, but does involve hanging out in my bud's tiki hut having a ball.
What do you say Rose? Up for Plan A 1/2?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hey, I paid my MLC museum entrance fee. (everyone here did) I certainly won't be staying all day, but I'm visiting the paint drying exhibit, darn it! The alien pod launch pad too!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Remember to take your shovel to the archeology exhibit and visit uR's shop of goodies. I heard she is having a summer close out on cell phone attire. She also has a manikin wearing nothing but a lab coat, goggles, and clip board. Hilarious. Total photo op!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Thanks Wonka dear! Here is my new improved Plan A, what do you think? I will work so hard on myself and will become such a fabulous diamond diva á la Portia and Mz. J that my chances with H improve to at least 75-25%. And if he is so stupid to give me up, I will have my choice of the other fellahs who will be waiting impatiently for me to give them the time of day. This plan does not involve watching paint dry, but does involve hanging out in my bud's tiki hut having a ball.
What do you say Rose? Up for Plan A 1/2?
I'm liking this new plan, with possibly, better odds Linda.......lets give it a go ahead.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
