Hi, I was just reading a few posts back. I experience the same thing with friends and family members that encourage me to leave the marriage and find someone new. I try to keep everything away from them now, as I feel they are biased without knowing everything. My therapist is surprisingly the same way. She thinks my H's behavior is unacceptable and I shouldn't continue. Honestly, I've been going to this therapist for about a year now and feel that she doesn't always guide me towards the direction I would like to go. I may look into a new therapist that will be more progressive in my goals. I think it's hard to explain the behavior of spouse to others, and I try to steer the conversation into what I"m doing positive with my life instead of dwelling on spouse. Most friends/family, or at least in my case, will go along with the new topic of conversation. Has this worked for you?
Hey PS. It's a guy friend who goes back to my grade school days. We're probably going to catch Elysium. 186.5 today, slowing way down with the weight loss. Looking forward to resuming my exercise once the doc clears me. Looking forward to buying a new set of fall clothes, too. Heck, looking forward to fall. (But not winter!)
Lostinpain: Yeah, I quickly learn who is and who isn't supportive of my goals, so I don't talk about it to the ones who aren't. I was just surprised because my friend who I was talking about went from supportive to non-supportive.
One person I had say, "Hey, until the D is finalized, that's still my wife you're talking about."
I think the fact that these people treat M as something so disposable upsets me more than these people not being supportive. They're like, "toss it in the trash, pick another one off the shelf. You don't like it? Get this year's model!" Everything is a simple ******* transaction to these people.
This has been a learning experience on managing expectations. Closing in on 48 hours and no reply to my text, not even a terse "thank you." I wasn't expecting her to fall into my arms, but a brief response about her condition or even a terse "thank you" would have been nice.
It's days like these that a LBH wonders why he still cares.
Good thinking on managing your own expectations. It is a tough road sometimes to travel on..but you must carry on. Oh my, I've been rebuffed several times by Ms. Wonka in the first...oh...say 8 years...
........but nice wouldn't have thrown a tro on your ass.
You have a heart and care - that's why when she told you of the medical condition you softened
If you would have had the money when she asked you would have given it to her to pay her lawyers to screw you
I'm putting some pennies aside and I'm going to load up my backpack,fly out to Cali this winter, get a tan then kick your ass ...... Maybe find myself a job while I'm there- a change in scenery and a increase in sun would do me good.
You have done so awesome.....but you need to add something else on your plate-do you have a hobby? I'd recommend a dog but right now your in too much transition
You deserve the best
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I just don't understand it. I don't understand how you go from wanting to see a marriage counselor to leaving for good in six months. I don't understand all the mental pivots she has made in the past year.
There are times I feel foolish for caring so much and still wanting this to work. We were together for 5 years and married for 3.5 on BD. I've been DBing for nearly 2/3 a year now and made virtually no progress. We haven't talked about our M in any depth since the first few weeks after the BD.
I always sort of looked down on divorced couples. I saw it as a personal failing, a weakness, and now I feel the same way about myself. I don't know how to forgive myself for letting this happen. I strongly feel there's nothing that can't be worked through, and I believe MWD and 5LL when they say love requires work and isn't effortless walk in the daisies like Hollywood would have us believe.
My BD was instigating by me discovering a text that would lead any reasonable person to suspect she was having an affair. She says she wasn't and other factors seem to support that. I used to think infidelity was an absolute dealbreaker for me (one of my first stops was a lawyer) but after I cooled down that day, I realized it wasn't. That's how much my M and my W meant to me.
When I see all the people here making so much headway, it just guts me that my W thinks so little of me and our M to be so inflexible and so unwilling to give it one more try. I know with everything I've learned this year that things would be different and things would be the way the should have been this whole time.
I don't know how I'm going to put this behind me. I've never been anything but a monogamous person, never wanted to play the field or any of that. When I married, divorce wasn't even an option. I thought it wasn't for her, either. I thought she loved me more than anyone ever has and I thought she was the most dedicated and loyal person I've ever met. If I could be wrong about her, I could be wrong about anyone. How can I trust anyone again? How can I let myself be this vulnerable with someone again? Is there anyone out there who doesn't see love and marriage as something sacred and holy and not just another transaction?
It seems like people always let me down.
Wonka: You're a strong person for DBing as long as you are. I'm impressed. How long were/are you married?
Positivespin: I wouldn't have given her the money even if I had it. I was shocked and embarrassed for her that she thought could ask such a thing. I've only shared it with maybe two people outside of here, I'm so ashamed for her. I wouldn't say I've softened, because I've always felt the way do.
You're welcome to join me on the west coast—it's the best coast! I'm so spoiled I couldn't live anywhere else.
I have some hobbies, but I need to find cheaper and more engrossing ones. I do have a really awesome cat, though. She kind of thinks she's a dog.
185 lbs this morning. Thats 100 down. Triple digits, baby! One more pound and I won't be overweight!
MrCAS: Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much!
Well then, as my close Chinese woman/ restaurant owner/ living fortune cookie tells me...........
" she left you cause you too nice"........
I've been studying sandy2' s collected works on " how to act like a man" because I was born to be a welcome mat.
100 f'ing lbs! I thought I was the man at 70. WOW
Find a small marathon for march/ April and make the goal to complete it by any means necessary- I got the perfect training book for you to use. It will change you life
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
You are NOT foolish. Get that f'ing thought out of your mind right now! What spurred those thoughts in me was expectations and hopelessness.
My expectations at this point are far more realistic than they were before. I don't expect my W to cre. i don't expect her to confront her demons. I don't expect her to be any thing but selfish self-centered person she has always been.
Hopelessness in me was brought on by my desire to control. To MAKE her feel something. To MAKE her want something. To MAKE her respond in a positive way. Guess what? Didn't work. It took several attacks and wallops to the head with 2x4s and tire tools to make me get it.
I got it because I wanted to. I wanted to save myself. To save my sanity.
To me, people don't let us down. It is our expectations and perceptions that let us down. Just my thoughts on that.
On a personal note... 100 pounds?!?! Cripes! Jimmities, even! WTH, DUDE! I was impressed I got down to 180 in two years... That, Brother, is something to be proud of. Hell, I am proud of you!
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
...... Maybe find myself a job while I'm there- a change in scenery and a increase in sun would do me good.