Confused and Lost

[sandi2]

I think that is a wise decision. Since he lives by himself, she would run to him if you kicked her out.

If she is pregnant, is there any chance the baby could be yours?

[lovenomatterwhat]

There is no way the baby could be mine if she was pregnant. We haven't had sex in over 6 months. I wish we could just talk about what's going on and be honest with each other but I know that know is not the time. Today we had breakfast when she got home and had a nice conversation. She was telling me that she went to her OB-GYN on friend and that the doctor told her that she is low risk (she had a high risk pregnancy when we had our daughter so she has telling me she was afraid to have another one but feels better now). She then told me that maybe in a couple of years we can have another one. I did find some prenatal vitamin samples underneath the car seat this morning by mistake but I'm not too sure if she is or isn't pregnant.

I need to start acting the way I was before I knew of the affair (do some serious DBing while following the 3 rules). I need to flood my wife with love without using words - just actions.

Not sure what mood she was in yesterday as just a couple of days before she was telling OM that she wants to marry him. Sounds like she is still very deep in the fog and doesn't know what she wants at this point. I was ready to confront her and live with the consequences of possibly having the marriage end. Know I am just more confused and lost - so the best course is not to do anything until I can get a clear head.

[25yearsmlc]

Your wife is very conflicted.

As much as you want to call it a fog, (and some of it is, but not all of it in THIS case), it's also a result of a lousy marriage.

you had a bad marriage the first time, that ended and by the Grace of God you got another chance, which you also blew.
Her complaints were "we want MORE of you" and you got angry at her and you got pretty angry pretty fast and threw some low blows...

(no she was not perfect but my God, her complaints were not from anger so much as pain at being rejected AGAIN, by you, inside the SECOND m)...imagine how foolish she must have felt about remarrying the same guy who treated her this way?


So, yes, you helped her into the arms of OM and she may or may not be pregnant...I'm assuming she is not, b/c that's why she mentioned the future child with you... as if she just got a negative result that part of her feels bad about.

But I am Just guessing there...and if she is pregnant, then obviously you'll need to have a significant conversation.

But until IF and when that happens, since you played a role in the problems of the m and SHE HAS NOT TOLD YOU that she wants out...

and she has told HIM she does NOT want out...why are you now wanting to cash in your chips and fold?

She wants to love you again...but you are hurt. Mainly your ego and your temper.

Temper? Yes. Why else would you possibly need to hire a PI?

If your wife wants to be married to OM, she'll have to tell you at some point. So what is your point in a PI? Are you rich and you think she wants all your money? I don't think your sitch sounded that way.

OR do you want To throw the "proof" in her face? To what end?

Dig deep now...the real journey in life is an inward one.

An affair won't change your custody unless she did it in front of your d, unless you live in the one state that it might matter in and even then...I am not sure it matters at all, LEGALLY.

So it has to be your anger speaking. Don't let anger be a decision maker in your life; just find that healthy place in your heart for self respect, and not false pride. It can be a fine line.

Between boundaries and punitive measures. The former is healthy and solid and from a place of light, the latter is from a darkness within.

Make sense? Be your best self, and be the better choice.

MAYBE you ought to confront her. There are chapters in the DB book about how to do it.

But if you confront, then you can air your concerns and get truly working on the m, which requires no third parties,

it could only be with ZERO judgement or condemnation from you.

Let's face it,

in HER MIND, you pushed her into the arms of OM, and worse, she isn't insane to feel that way.

So you have to own your part in this situation. IN fact maybe you ought to do that anyhow.

Check with other vets but if it were me

it would mean a lot if my h approached me and apologized for his failings and said something like "all he can ask is for more time to prove he's really this new man whom I once fell in love with", etc THEN he could approach me about "new tools"


so why not

ASK HER TO ATTEND RETROVAILLE which is a retreat for marriages in crisis?

It specifically gets each spouse, privately, to exclude third parties from the m.

And it's very helpful. Clearly you both need NEW tools to make sure the marriage works for good this time.

And the weekend WILL improve things, but you ought to stick with their follow up program too. It solidifies what they teach you over the weekend.

I HIGHLY recommend this retreat. Your w has made several comments about wanting the marriage to work out.

Why not act on that and check out where the next Retrovaille weekend is and when?

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thank you 25yearsmlc
That is what I needed to hear. My wife actually told me about two months ago that remarrying me was the biggest mistake of her life. I know she was disappointment and felt abandon these last 6-7 months when I went back to school. That is not even including the mental abuse I gave her on top of that.

As far as my feelings - I don't know what I am feeling. I am trying so hard to suppress my feelings but find that when I am driving home from work that the tears and emotions really come out. I actually look forward to driving by myself as it seems like the only real free time I have to just cry out to God and let my emotions run rampant.

I don’t feel angry towards my wife. I am angry, but at myself mainly for allowing the marriage to get to this point. I thought about getting a PI not so much to throw it at my wife’s face but I was afraid that she was so deep into this affair that she might try to get nasty in the event of a divorce. I have an appointment with the lawyer next Tuesday just to make sure my ducks in a row just in case. I am not rich but still want to into this with knowledge from multiple angles. I am really hoping that she ends the affair on her own and that my knowledge of the affair will not need to come out. I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.

The last two days have been nice. Both nights I actually slept on the same bed as her. My wife’s back was bothering her so she asked me to massage her back and legs. When I was done, I got up to go to my bed and she told me to stay – so I did. We had some good small talk too in the morning before we got up. Yesterday I was watching TV with her with both of us laying on the bed – so that was nice. I am still being very cautious though and try to keep my distance unless she is inviting or showing signs of being receptive.

Our anniversary is next week and she has been asking me what I am going to do her. She indicated several times that I have to go big. I am trying to balance this as I don’t want to be pushy but I don’t want to disappoint her either. I really don’t know what her expectations are so I’ll have to see how the rest of the week goes before I decide on what to do.

I don’t think now is the time to recommend retrovaille to my wife. I wish she was there but I think that might come across as pushy and applying pressure. I want her to be the one to start the conversation about working on our marriage. I need to know that our marriage is progressing because she wants to and not because I forced her to. This is the very reason why I am hesitant to confront her on the affair. I don’t want my marriage to end. I love my wife and want this to work out so I am really thinking hard about what my actions should be. My wife has mentioned to me several times in the past that she needs to see a counselor to work on herself. So I’m hoping that she will take that next step and then maybe after she is done with that, we can start talking about working on our marriage, etc. I already paid for the counseling sessions for my wife (she told me the name of the counselor she wanted to see at some local church) so the ball is in her court. I won’t pressure her to go.

I am going to see an individual counselor for myself next week to get my thoughts and emotions better straighten out. I think I might setup an appointment with a DB coach next.

All in all this week I am feeling better but the pain is still there. She told me this morning that she is going to go walking today so that means she has an appointment with this OM. I try not to think about it but it does bother me. I am off this week from school but start again next week. I am really worried about going back to school. I’ve made suggestions to my wife about me taking the semester off but she is adamant that I continue. She told me that I need to finish school up for the family’s sake. I am taking three classes again but should be done in the spring. This semester I am not going to get crazy about wanted to make an A. As long as I pass, that is good enough for me. No MBA is worth losing a family over. I am scared of the workload and trying to balance being there for my family while working at the same time. I will make this work somehow though. This semester is going to bite but I am perhaps it’s good time if it keeps my mind from thinking about the marriage/affair.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you 25yearsmlc
That is what I needed to hear. My wife actually told me about two months ago that remarrying me was the biggest mistake of her life. I know she was disappointment and felt abandon these last 6-7 months when I went back to school. That is not even including the mental abuse I gave her on top of that.

As far as my feelings - I don't know what I am feeling. I am trying so hard to suppress my feelings but find that when I am driving home from work that the tears and emotions really come out. I actually look forward to driving by myself as it seems like the only real free time I have to just cry out to God and let my emotions run rampant.

I totally get that^^. Been there, done that. Just don't go off the road. And if you need some wet wipes to clear your face and eyes before entering the home, use them.

I don’t feel angry towards my wife. I am angry, but at myself mainly for allowing the marriage to get to this point. I thought about getting a PI not so much to throw it at my wife’s face but I was afraid that she was so deep into this affair that she might try to get nasty in the event of a divorce.


And do what? Say you were abusive? I mean, it was a very interesting, "revenge" sounding way you put it when you first her tell OM her feelings...which, by the way, SHE IS WORKING ON...

did you miss that part?

I have an appointment with the lawyer next Tuesday just to make sure my ducks in a row just in case. I am not rich but still want to into this with knowledge from multiple angles.

I am a L and think everyone should have the knowledge of what would happen to them and their children, should their spouse die or leave them. IT's empowering to know you are making choices NOT based on fear.

I am really hoping that she ends the affair on her own and that my knowledge of the affair will not need to come out.

I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.


Why don't you tell her all this?? ^^^^ Certainly, if it comes out, this would be the way you ought to speak to her.



The last two days have been nice. Both nights I actually slept on the same bed as her. My wife’s back was bothering her so she asked me to massage her back and legs. When I was done, I got up to go to my bed and she told me to stay – so I did. We had some good small talk too in the morning before we got up.

What are you waiting for to take more initiative? Just curious.


Yesterday I was watching TV with her with both of us laying on the bed – so that was nice. I am still being very cautious though and try to keep my distance unless she is inviting or showing signs of being receptive.

You didn't think asking for a back rub and inviting you into the bed was a sign of being receptive? Hmmm...you want a written and signed invitation?

Our anniversary is next week and she has been asking me what I am going to do her. She indicated several times that I have to go big.


RED FLAG!! DO NOT BLOW IT AND DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THIS REQUEST.

YOU HAVE NEGLECTED/ABUSED HER AND SHE IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS...PLAN THIS OUT NOW.

What are you afraid of?


I am trying to balance this

WHY?

as I don’t want to be pushy but I don’t want to disappoint her either.

Worry less about being pushy, (= showing your desire for her?) and more about looking wishy washy and lazy or cheap. Just saying...

I really don’t know what her expectations are so I’ll have to see how the rest of the week goes before I decide on what to do.

YES you do know. Is she adventurous or romantic or what? What are HER love languages? She has been CLEAR with you.

Stop waiting to see how the rest of the week goes...Good grief. Plan out a nice weekend or evening at least.

Get a sitter NOW and give a meaningful thought out gift, and take her somewhere special.


I don’t think now is the time to recommend retrovaille to my wife. I wish she was there but I think that might come across as pushy and applying pressure.

You need to give HER SOME TOOLS or ways to get them AND ways for YOU TO GET THEM so she can be reassured you won't revert

and you won't be afraid she'll have the need or want for OM.
Stop just hoping it all gets better. What is with the "worry" about her feeling pushed?

She wants to KNOW you want her, desire her and love her and that you will be different.

She'll come back to the marriage IF& when she feels it can be better/different.

SHOW her how. That's what Retrovaille is about. It gives you tools for change, which you both need.

Stop waiting til there is zero chance of rejection but be ready for it. So do this with NO expectation and no crestfallen looks. Just cope. Handle this. Be confident.

Be the man she fell in love with, but even better b/c you REALLY GET IT NOW...

I want her to be the one to start the conversation about working on our marriage. I need to know that our marriage is progressing because she wants to and not because I forced her to.

You cannot "force" her to want to, and why should SHE be the one to start the conversation? You are the one she fears changing back.
What you want are HER to take the risks and give OM up before she has reason to believe you will be kinder and different towards her, for good. Are you even getting IC for that? I mean, what is NEW in you that she can believe your changes are real and will finally last?



What is your risk by being that way and pursuing your marriage first? What could you "lose" by risking your heart now? I don't get it.

I can see if SHE TOLD you to back off, but I must have missed that.

What I hear and see is a woman desparate to believe her h can finally, truly, change.


This is the very reason why I am hesitant to confront her on the affair. I don’t want my marriage to end. I love my wife and want this to work out so I am really thinking hard about what my actions should be.

They should be loving, passion filled actions and words.


My wife has mentioned to me several times in the past that she needs to see a counselor to work on herself. So I’m hoping that she will take that next step and then maybe after she is done with that, we can start talking about working on our marriage, etc.

WOW...
Notice how this^^^ requires NOTHING, OF YOU? Why aren't YOU in counseling, for your unacceptable behaviors?

You seem to want her to "wake up" but the reality is, what are YOU DOING to show her that marriage to YOU can be better and different?
Get on the bull and ride it. Demonstrate the love you SAY you feel. Today...geez...

I already paid for the counseling sessions for my wife (she told me the name of the counselor she wanted to see at some local church) so the ball is in her court. I won’t pressure her to go.



I am going to see an individual counselor for myself next week to get my thoughts and emotions better straighten out. I think I might setup an appointment with a DB coach next.

THANK GOD! Make sure you tell her YOU are going to work on YOUR stuff too. You should NOT make this all about her affair or OM, but about YOU and YOUR STUFF...

All in all this week I am feeling better but the pain is still there. She told me this morning that she is going to go walking today so that means she has an appointment with this OM. I try not to think about it but it does bother me. I am off this week from school but start again next week. I am really worried about going back to school. I’ve made suggestions to my wife about me taking the semester off but she is adamant that I continue. She told me that I need to finish school up for the family’s sake.

What do YOU think she means by that? You think it's a secret plan to get you to earn more? I don't.

WHy don't you just be a lot more attentive when you are home, and kinder, and maybe take one fewer class? Tell her why, if you do. That it's about your love for her and d.


I am taking three classes again but should be done in the spring. This semester I am not going to get crazy about wanted to make an A. As long as I pass, that is good enough for me. No MBA is worth losing a family over.


CLAP CLAP!! You are Correct. B = MBA... In fact, I think it's almost morally wrong for a married man and father to get all A's while in school. It means oddly placed priorities, or genius...you decide.

I am scared of the workload and trying to balance being there for my family while working at the same time. I will make this work somehow though. This semester is going to bite but I am perhaps it’s good time if it keeps my mind from thinking about the marriage/affair.

I had our first child "prematurely" (by about 5 years). I was in law school, and h began medical school when our son was 8 weeks old. It IS possible to do this.

Speak lovingly and optimistically of the future together and other children, a nice home, some travel, etc. BE a good catch.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks again 25yearsmlc,

My wife is still telling the OM "I love you" on the phone. She goes to the bathroom but doesn't realize that I can hear what she is saying through the walls. Grrr......I over heard hear say that a couple of times today this evening. Then she made a comment to him saying "friends don't give each others kisses" followed by the comment that if she can stop by his apartment tomorrow. This drives me nuts. I know I can't focus on that but it still bothers me.

RED FLAG!! DO NOT BLOW IT AND DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THIS REQUEST.

YOU HAVE NEGLECTED/ABUSED HER AND SHE IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS...PLAN THIS OUT NOW.

What are you afraid of?

I think you are right about the anniversary. I am thinking about getting her some nice diamond studs, taking her to a nice steak house and sending her a bunch of roses to her work. I also plan on putting a bunch of balloons and decorating our bedroom. I thought about getting some rose petals and putting those on the bed and floor but not sure about that. I am really thinking about writing her card and telling her something among the lines that I love her and want to be in her life, etc etc. I would really like to tell her how I really feel and that I am sorry about the past and that I want to make our marriage work without mentioning OM. Do you think that is a good idea?

I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.


Why don't you tell her all this?? ^^^^ Certainly, if it comes out, this would be the way you ought to speak to her.

I so badly want to tell her how I feel. In early July she asked me what was going on since I had done a lot of changes to myself. I told her then how I felt and she responded that I was being fake and that I didn't sound genuine. A week or so later she told me that I was not giving her enough space and that I was trying to make her love me. So being that that was just a month ago - that explains why I get hesitant.

What are you waiting for to take more initiative? Just curious.

My wife is on a roller coaster ride. She sometimes will be inviting and other times she will flat out tell me to get off her bed. It's hard to tell if I should make a move or back off - so I tend to err on the side of caution. I so much want to go all out and shower her with love and attention but she is not always receptive so it makes it hard for me.

Worry less about being pushy, (= showing your desire for her?) and more about looking wishy washy and lazy or cheap. Just saying...

I agree. I think she can forgive if I over pursue but looking like a fake or wish washy would be a huge turn off for her

SHOW her how. That's what Retrovaille is about. It gives you tools for change, which you both need.

Stop waiting til there is zero chance of rejection but be ready for it. So do this with NO expectation and no crestfallen looks. Just cope. Handle this. Be confident.

Be the man she fell in love with, but even better b/c you REALLY GET IT NOW...

I would love to go to retrovaille or do anything else that would show a tangible effort on wanting the marriage to work. I am just not sure about this right now. I think it will put to much pressure on her. Maybe in a couple of more weeks or months - I'll have to think about this before I suggest

What is your risk by being that way and pursuing your marriage first? What could you "lose" by risking your heart now? I don't get it.

I can see if SHE TOLD you to back off, but I must have missed that.

What I hear and see is a woman desparate to believe her h can finally, truly, change.

I really do want to pursue. I think right now I think she still needs time to see that the changes will last. I've tested the waters so the speak with mixed results (small gifts here and there, etc). Her love language is gifts and quality time - but she has been rejected those approaches in the past weeks and only recently has been receptive (but not always receptive - still on the roller coaster)

Get on the bull and ride it. Demonstrate the love you SAY you feel. Today...geez...

I'm trying but so many times it feels like my efforts go unnoticed. I know that she does notice but is waiting to see if they will last. I so much want to pamper her with gifts, quality time, dates, and just spending time together. I've asked her out for lunch several times last week and this week and got rejected (more like she had excuses why she couldn't go). It hurts the more because several of those days that I asked she went out with OM for lunch. Grrr....ouch. Very frustrating and it hurts.

THANK GOD! Make sure you tell her YOU are going to work on YOUR stuff too. You should NOT make this all about her affair or OM, but about YOU and YOUR STUFF...

I honestly can't wait to see the counselor. I've been talking to a deacon friend and my best friend but I think seeing a professional would help. My emotions are still all over the place and the pain is very much still there. Sometimes I feel like I am riding on false hope. That this nightmare will never end. I hate this journey. I know that I must persevere but I hate feeling this way. The last 5 months have been miserable and filled with sadness, pain, grief. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I salute all the people who have fought for their marriages for months and years in spite of the circumstances and pain. My heart is so shattered and my self-esteem is so down the toilet right now. I am literally faking it till I make it. Being in the same house as my wife is sometimes hard as I never really know what mood she is going to be in and it is really hard not being close and connected with her. Marriage is about being one, about being a team, about relying and being interdependent on each other. So it is difficulty not experiencing that. I get so mad at myself for allowing things to get to this point. I blame myself for how things are at. I am being strong and confident around my wife but the reality is that I am weak and broken. I wish I could just be honest with her and tell her how devastated and sorry I am. That I screwed up and want more than anything to make our marriage work, to sacrifice and do what is necessary to give her the love and attention she deserves. Scream.....I am really sad right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but I don't know. My best friend tells me I should get some medication for depression/anxiety. Not sure about that but this emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on me.

[lovenomatterwhat]

I'm really down right now. Our anniversary is coming up this next Wednesday and I almost feel like it will be the last time I do anything real special for my wife. I brought her some diamond studs today. Back when we were dating I brought her some studs but they were real small since I couldn't afford much back then (not that I can afford a lot now either). So these will be a nice upgrade for her.

She was in the bathroom again telling OM how much she misses him and that it really [censored] that she is on her menstrual cycle. Makes me sick....

That said, she has really opened up more to me this week and is a lot friendlier than she has been in the last two months. Still calls me by my pet name and talks about the future (things she wants to do in the house, future vacations, etc). I'm assuming that she is not pregnant at this point since she is on her menstrual cycle but guys are idiots - so who knows.

I love my wife but I feel like I am being tortured by this affair.

[lovenomatterwhat]

I feel totally confused and crushed right now. Last night our daughter feel asleep on my wife's bed so I slept in my daughter's room. At around 4 am my wife calls my cell phone and tells me to come to the room because her back hurts. So I put a heat pad on it and then she made some room so I can sleep on the bed. I actually held her all last night. It was night. I later did some snooping (I know, I shouldn't be doing that) and the OM was texting her kisses. My wife responded that friends shouldn't be kissing and that they need to just be friends. She then told him that it is so hard just to be friends and that once she starts kissing him she just can't stop. Arr......

Earlier today my wife was telling me that we need to take a family photo together and that we need to get her wedding band traded up (the place we brought it from allows you to trade it in for the same amount that you paid as long as you pay 20% more than the original item). We spent most of the day running errands.

Right now she just left the house to have coffee with OM. I am just hurt. Even though she called me at 4 am, she was texting this guy from 2:30am to 4 am right before she called me. Just when I think I am making progress she continues to run and seek this guy first. When I found out she was having coffee with OM (she continues to talk to him in the bathroom and sometimes I can hear both sides of the conversation), I just felt like crap. As soon as she left I started to cry and almost threw up. It hurts to think that my wife does not desire me, does not want me, would rather be with OM than her own husband. I think things are getting better but I feel like I am fooling myself. This is so hard. I know I have to get a grip and act normal when she comes home. Days like this I just want to confront her and bare my soul. I want more than anything for our family and marriage to be restored. I hate OM. I hate that even when my wife is trying to break away he is able to seduce her. I hate that she refuses to take a stand for our marriage and tell OM enough is enough. I want my wife to love me, to want to be with me. To really commit to making the marriage work. $%*# scream. Grrr...$%*#

Had to vent. Really down.

[Mimi00]

Just when I think I am making progress she continues to run and seek this guy first.

If you weren't snooping and listening in on her convo's you wouldn't feel this way, b/c you wouldn't know about it.

So once again, stop snooping!

It only hurts you and makes you angry and that anger could build up and ruin everything if you explode about OM.

Stop torturing yourself with worry over OM. Continue to work hard with your 180's and GAL's and let wife begin to feel the guilt on her own, for her actions, b/c you will have become the man a wife would be a fool to cheat on.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks Mimi30 for the advise.

Even without snooping, she makes it obvious that she is spending time with other OM and will pretend to be talking to someone else on the phone when she is talking to OM. She is not a very good cheater. Unfortunately, I don't know how much more I can take of this. I had initially told myself that our anniversary would be our deadline. Our anniversary is this week and things are looking dim. I am going to treat her like the princess she is and make that day a day to remember. That said, I think I am wasting my time and money at this point but will love her anyway.

I am meeting with an attorney on Tuesday to see what will likely happen when the almost inevitable divorce comes. My wife and I were planning on going on a cruise as a family in December and have to pay for it by the end of September - so it is looking like that trip will not happen as I don't want to spend 5K only for us to get a divorce. My daughter is going to be devastated and she is the only reason at this point that would continue on trying to save this marriage. At the same time, I am expecting the worse and feel like I have lost my wife forever. This year has been the worse year ever. The tears, cries, pain and overall torture this emotional roller coaster has been is really beginning to take its toll on me. I don't want to live in this place forever or another six months. I want to move on with either a life with my wife or begin a new chapter if that is what will happen. I don't want to be limbo. I don't want to go home and not feel loved, not feel wanted, not feel like my wife doesn't give a rip about me. I want more than anything to be a family - to be one - to be united and intertwined in love. This is not how I envision my life to be. This is not want I want. Ahh...... I feel like this roller coaster is about to crash.