What am I taking a stand on? My marriage, my life. What’s my position? I still want my H and would like for my marriage to work. In order for this to happen, I need to gain respect back from my husband and show him something different. I am also prepared for the fact that no matter what I do, my H may not come back. So that’s why I am taking a stand on my life as well. Am I a person that I respect? I need to live in a way that I am as well. I need to do something different so that I can be successful at life period. In taking a stand on my marriage, I am handing that stress & worry over to God. All I can control is what I do, and what I do may happen to spill over and affect my marriage for the better. All I know is, I have to live life and see what happens.
The issues in our marriage: Him building friendships w/ other women, him not initiating sex in over a year, him working extra hours b/c home makes him feel “unloved“ & “unhappy”, my not being his cheerleader the way he wanted, my not wanting to try new things with him, my shutting down/going silent during arguments, his walking out during arguments….
A few our issues were simply b/c of not knowing how to speak each others love language, most of the others were were surface issues that I believe the root of was this:
Respect began to lack. Who wants to be with/around some one they don’t respect?
I knew my respect for him had gone down a bit (he hid certain “bad habits” from me, knowing my beliefs on them, until after marriage, when I found out about his them unfortunately my respect for him did go dow; #1 because he lied, #2 because I was largely attracted to his confidence and now I know that he actually wasn’t confident enough to be himself and be accepted for who he was totally, #3 because the habits just aren’t appealing to me in general and caused me to admire him less though I still loved him.) Because of my respect for him went down a bit, I began to have points where I wanted to give up on our marriage, but I ended up pushed through them b/c one day I woke up and realized that in spite of the various hurts and issues we had (his habits just one of several), I was blessed to have someone by my side who supported me in all ways. I had just come to this realization, began working on ways I could be better instead of focusing on what H isn‘t doing, and choosing to look at the positives of our marriage instead of the negatives.....when my H then announced he was “unhappy”.
What I didn’t realize until recently (and I wonder if H even realizes?), his respect for me has probably went down the drain as well. (IMO, We’re all so focused on the surface issues, I don’t think most times that either spouse realizes the loss of respect at the core. When respect gets to the point where it is so low, that’s what allows the spouse to walk away…
Reasons my H has most likely lost respect for me: - Spiritually stagnant. After marriage I stopped being as outwardly spiritual as I was before marriage. My spirituality was what inspired him to be more spiritual (though I wanted him to want it for himself and be motivated to do on his own). But after marriage for some strange reason, we couldn’t agree on a church we both liked. So that went down him outwardly, though I continued to pray etc… privately.
- My lacking emotional regulation. When I’m hurt by H, I cry, sometimes it would be out of control and I would say ridiculous things, that have root in my childhood, that probably gave him them idea that I had low self worth or hurts he can't deal with. When normally what he’d see was confidence and independence from me.
- My talking to much! H was the first person in my life that I was able to be an open book with. I didn’t realize until now, that everything that comes to mind/heart shouldn’t be spoken out loud. When I was down about our marriage, I’d tell him, when I was down about personal struggles (finding my purpose in life, career frustrations), I’d tell him. (Now I now I should journal & pray about most of these things instead . The things that I do choose to speak out loud should be said carefully, at the right time and when spouse is in a good mood.) I also see I would talk about negatives, but I didn’t tell him when he didn’t something right, or when I was feeling good about our marriage (which was most of the time). I need to learn to speak positives more.
- My being fearful of new friends/trying new things. Growing up my family didn’t go on vacations, though we had the means to. My parents were so focused on working hard we didn’t enjoy life. I’ve carried this into adulthood, I do what I’m used to and don’t go outside that box, I’m fearful of trying new things a lot of times so I’d just say no to H when he’d want me to do things. He also said he felt “pressure” being my closest friend who I told my problems to. In my experience most friends take and don’t give and are hurtful a lot of times.
- My lack of direction w/ my career/future. When we were dating I was in grad school, he admired that (he wasn't able to finish his 4-year b/c of hardships)I got my degree to teach K-12 and didn't follow through out of fear I wouldn't do well at it and it's not my complete passion. What I did end up doing was working in a teen homeless shelter, which I love as well, but I don't make much money. So I became frustrated w/ figuring out what's my purpose/passion what career path to take in general. H tried to "fix" and make me happy in spite of my frustrations over my career failings but felt like he failed when this issue kept popping up. What he didn't understand is that I wasn't looking to him or our marriage to make me happier, I wasn't even unhappy, just frustrated w/ myself, nothing to do with him. But he took it personally for some reason and that became too much for him.
Things I’ve already done to get my respect back (for myself & H): - Not chasing/perusing H - Online counseling, learned about emotional regulation and properly communicating (When H visited to BD he kept saying how well I was handling things. Have not yet broken down/cried in front of him, or shown him anger, be able to reel my self in. I know my behavior has be the exact opposite of how H thought I would be, as he thought my reaction after his BD would “not be pretty”) - Speaking positively when we do talk
Things I still need to do to get my respect back (for myself & H): - Exude confidence (but really have it on the inside as well) - Try new things & meet more new people - Find a church home I enjoy and re-build my spiritual relationship w/ God - Narrow down what a want to do career wise and stick with it!
So that's my stand, why I am taking the position I am taking and how I plan to go about it
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
