I am a Newcomer.

[SoLostandAlone]

I have DR and have been reading it when H isn't around. I put a cover over it, ironically, The Dalai Lama's "Art of Happiness". I'm about halfway through, but b/c of the current relationship between H and I, DR says not to ask for or talk about anything right now. Hardest things, as most of you know are - 1) he doesn't touch me or want to be near me, and of course, doesn't say "ILY" - b/c he says he doesn't love me anymore. And 2) until I got to that part of the book. I was still telling him every night before going to sleep that "ILY". I've always felt like we never know what tomorrow might bring (which has certainly been proven), and it's important to let him know that I do love him in case something happens while he"s out on the road. So not telling him that every night before going to sleep internally kills me. I can't believe that in a few short weeks, he won't be next to me in bed or even in the same house. Aggggh this hurts so much.

I've been informed that with a bankruptcy, you are usually allowed to stay in the house being foreclosed for 9-12 months. Our middle S15 (they are my stepkids for the past 10 years) has decided he would like to stay with me in this big house. H, his dad, D17 and S11 will be moving back down to the old house the week of 9/8 - it's about 5 blocks away. I don't believe I will have much interaction with him. His job has him on the road a lot, so he'll be depending on his dad to take care of D & S. This is kind of an unexpected chance for separation without calling it that. He has made clear he wants a D, but was advised not to pursue D until bankruptcy hearing is over. That is mid to end October. Psychiatrist said Friday that I am not bipolar - just very depressed. I couldn't tell her the last happy time I could remember. Depression has really affected me. Made some med changes - too late - what I just switched to is supposed to help with sex drive. H doesn't want me to touch him and he doesn't touch me. Am hoping since I finally took step to see psychiatrist and not just family doctor, that her changes will do some good some how. I will still be seeing psychologist as well. So right now, I am not moving 1300 miles away in the near future. I don't know if this time will make miracles happen, but I will be working on myself and hoping for the best. H still spends much of his time texting, but says there is not OW in picture. I don't believe him. He never liked texting before and used to hate that I insisted he have a cell phone. Since getting new job in October, H now only has and uses work cell. He texts all the time. All the time. I don't need to see texts - I'm sure they would just hurt. I would just like to know truth if there is someone else out there. Who of us doesn't want to know what we are up against as far as competition when we are trying to work on saving our marriages? We have 3 dogs and we are finally seeing the most positive results we have seen yet with getting our middle dog over liver failure. She is only 4 and 1/2. She has been a real fighter and now her liver levels are coming back down to a normal range. Her pancreas levels still need work through diet - the only way to help her. Unfortunately, she will be moving to the other house. I'm sad, but grateful that I won't be 1300 miles away for now and will still get to see her frequently. Our two other dogs will stay with me. One is older and one is a year younger than the one leaving. I know they will miss each other as they are best friends. I will insist on frequent visits from middle dog during the week so they can play together and some sleepovers too! THEY have been my constants through all of this. Still devastated, shocked and confused. Don't understand how this could happen. H knew full well that my greatest fear had always been losing him. Apparently that doesn't weigh too heavily on his mind. Was informed last week that my job is being offshored, so no telling how much longer I will have it. There is a possibility of a new job from a friend that sounds promising. Won't be working from home anymore, so will miss my dogs terribly during day, but at least it will provide me some distraction and socialization on a daily basis that I don't experience now. Maybe even friends. I still don't want this D more than anything, I wish H would just wake up one morning and tell me he doesn't know what he was thinking and doesn't want D, but the chances of winning the lottery are better than the chances of him feeling that way. Don't understand how things with so so wrong and he never gave me any idea. No chance to try to work on things. No telling me anything was wrong like we'd always promised each other so we wouldn't end up here. He is a different person man than the one I married. My soulmate died sometime around June I guess. Trying not to cry. I know it doesn't do any good and H shouldn't see that. Makes me feel worse physically with headaches and stuffy nose. Still praying that God can give me strength, courage, comfort and wisdom. That he will guide me and show me the direction I am supposed to go. Don't know if this last minute idea of staying until bank asks me to leave in 9-12 months is his way of saying "Stay and fight. I've heard your prayers and am with you." Or just a fluke. Thank you all for your support and prayers. You each know how much I need it.