Bea, Your responses are very good. They are point on and yet, quite witty. He may not have responded to your latest missive, but he will. He has to think about it for a bit. Also, keep in mind, you are communicating w/him and he's going to keep that going. He knew exactly what he was doing when he advised you that you owed him $38. He wants communication w/you no matter if it's positive or negative. Trust me, he's in second heaven w/your missives. They are clever souls even though they are a little nutty.
I do hope everything went well w/your son and his father. I guess you'll hear about it soon.
Enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly - I can always make my xh laugh (except when he was in the raging bit of MLC - hang on a minute that lasted quite a while!!) But apart from then, yes, I could make him laugh.
I love it that he thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill - what precisely is asking for $38 but exceedingly trivial? But, no point scoring.
"Don't sweat the small stuff" should be tattooed on all our foreheads
To this day my xh has to have it explained to him very clearly that he hurt people A LOT, and you can see he is puzzled and not faking it. I do not do this of course, but his kids do, and he clearly doesn't understand. But he used to understand. I really wouldn't have stayed with someone who had no compassion and no empathy.
And here I thought it was just me that thought that about my ex. For the record, it's MLCr's, not male nor female that exhibit this kind of long running jekyl and hyde behavior. They seem to be trying to "fix" something, but don't seem to know what or why. I describe the above behavior as having an emotional stroke - they lose what they once had in that regard. It's a casualty of the inner war, from my perspective. I think part of it is that they supress those memories to the point that they really don't know. If they didn't surpress them, I wonder what a snivelling mess they would be. That could be hard to face I would imagine. And I would guess it's not a conscious thought that causes them to do it. I think they are so in search of the answer to what's wrong, (the "why?") that they don't stop to see it or "do the work."
The similarities are uncanny in many of these situations, but then again, nothing new under the sun, no?
Always interesting though.
Honestly B, for me it finally ocurred to me (after a while of dealing with her MLC) that letting the small stuff go and not responding in most cases, works better for me. And since that's what I have to worry about in most cases (other than the kids), that works better. For me. When my ex tries to bring up little stuff, I just ignore it. If it becomes a big deal, then I deal with it then. I think in your case, your ex does want to remain in contact. Snodderly is right and it makes sense because you hold part of the key to his figuring himself out. He doesn't seem to see that, but part of him does and keeps him coming back.
People are people, and it's sad to see somebody go through this kind of ordeal. The OP knows what they are doing, but to go through with it and destroy a family in the process? That's got to weigh them down later in life. I can understand Mia's memoir in that sense. The regret of being complicit when they "see" it. In many ways I think it would be easier for them to be the second person after the divorce, rather than the OP. The stress that will later cause for them both is something I don't want, personally. The never knowing if they are doing to you what you did to somebody else? That might just cause somebody to stay in that tunnel for a very long time and avoid all of that messy stuff
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Would you be comfortable with emotion if it cost you a lovely spouse like you?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hard to say with xh - he was never an easy person, and MLC does not appear to have mellowed his general character. I do find it a bit odd being asked about my brand of woodburner for his renovations, which I believe are so that he can spend more time in his second home. I wonder how OW2 deals with this 'advice' from me. 'Oh yes, this is the same type of woodburner that my xw has' Maybe she is cool with this. Would I be? Honestly I do not know. Not my problem though.
" I wonder how OW2 deals with this 'advice' from me. 'Oh yes, this is the same type of woodburner that my xw has' Maybe she is cool with this. Would I be? Honestly I do not know. Not my problem though. "
OW2 would have to be a special kind of secure woman for that to not bother her Bea, and from what I've read, OW are anything but self assured and strong. Your posts always make me laugh and think, thanks!
AJ's thoughts on OP are interesting. That it would "weigh them down later in life" to know that they destroyed a family. I think OP are selfish and self centered. They will rationalize their actions and forgive themselves. Wouldn't even have to forgive themselves because they didn't do anything wrong.
I asked my H once if RT doesn't feel ashamed of herself for trying to break up his marriage just to get a green card. He said that she rationalizes her actions - I had my chance to make him happy and failed, I am a POS for lying and cheating on him for 38 years, and SHE can make him happy. I wish I could go back and complete that conversation on RT's motivations. But I got distracted by her assertion that I am a cheating POS
The thought that they had destroyed a marriage and family would weigh down normal people. But that moral compass that would cause a potential OP to feel weighed down is what keeps them from destroying a family in the first place.
I'm such a downer lately, sorry. Feeling sorry for myself. I guess it's knowing H is leaving in 2 1/2 weeks and I may never feel his arms around me again. But....his loss.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Bea, my friend, loved your responses. Made me smile.
I am not so sure about what AJ says about the OP. I think they are broken, too. And unless they do the work, I feel they dont really ever realize what they have done to a family.
Just wanted to say, my xh is the king of comparmentalizing. It actually amazes me to this day.
I agree with the others, he is grasping at straws trying to stay in touch with you. I think he is not capable of anything deeper than wood burners.
