How can you mend a broken heart?

[chasingpavements]

P.S. Target shooting eh Sounds fun! I just may need to do that as well!

[albamarie]

Heck yea Linda, target shooting, I have my license, I just need to print out some target pic's

Can someone go through TWO MLCs? Or maybe go into a MLC but not fully resolve the issues, and fall headlong back into the tunnel months or years later?

You wrote this on MiZ thread. I think my H is going thru a second one so I say, yes. Maybe someone more informed can chime in, but I see something bad brewing.

Enjoy some down time Linda, you deserve it. It read that book many yrs ago, it's a good read.

[RosaLinda]

I worked the overnight shift at the ER Thursday night. It was so difficult with this double vision. I have a follow up appt with the specialist on Monday. I guess I'll have to schedule the surgery. And guess I'll have to recover in England! I wonder if there are any restrictions against flying after eye surgery. 

Last night I went to a pocketbook party at my SIL's house, my H's sister. I thought it would be a fun GAL, and it was, lots of eating and drinking and laughing. Shopping therapy with cocktails! 

But afterwards my SIL and MIL ganged up on me with an unbearable show of compassion and love trying to convince me to kick out my H. I though my MIL understood my DBing principles. Guess I was wrong.

I am all for "keeping the road home paved smoothly" so the MLCer's return is smooth and easy. And for suffering in silence (in principle anyway) keeping the MLCer's secrets away from his family to protect him. 

Unfortunately for my H, his family is loud, loving and close. He keeps doing things very much in the public eye, and his family notices. Acting strange at parties and events. Saying he is going to pick up his "Russian friend" at the airpirt and disappearing for 2 weeks because "she said she was not interested in meeting any of you." I bet. And now this trip to Russia for a month to visit the same "friend." He seems to think that his family should view it as a normal vacation away from his wife, and accept it because it's something HE has always wanted to do. 

His family does not know all the private stuff, the professing to be in love with the Tramp, the fact that she wants to marry him to get a green card. But they do not swallow H's assertion that going away for a month is a normal natural thing to do. Luckily my own family is spread all over the country, so it's easier to hide the MLC from them. 

I guess MLCers who have EAs or secret PAs while living at home have an easier time hiding their OP from their extended family. My H's family had no idea about his EAs for the first 3 1/2 years of his MLC. 

How do all of you deal with flack from your spouse's family? Or your own?

[Whiterose]

your poor eyes Linda but I'm so thankful it's something they can fix.

My H's family says nothing to me, or my boys, they just want H to be happy. One SIL talks to me but we don't talk about H much and when we do she is torn between not approving of him and wanting him to be happy.

MY family would like me to screw H to the wall. My BIL (sister's H) offered to give me his last dime to do so. I acknowledge their feelings, and validate, (almost DBing with them too) they DO have valid points and want our happiness.....I try to see it as coming from a place of love. I then tell them that they are sick and it's been 20 years of my life and four months is not nearly enough time to make a decision like that.

Take care of yourself....try a yoga class:)

[RosaLinda]

"MY family would like me to screw H to the wall. My BIL (sister's H) offered to give me his last dime to do so. I acknowledge their feelings, and validate, (almost DBing with them too) they DO have valid points and want our happiness.....I try to see it as coming from a place of love. I then tell them that they are sick and it's been 20 years of my life and four months is not nearly enough time to make a decision like that.  back than I did working on myself!"

Screw him to the wall eh?

I explained that all to H's mom, Rose, and she seemed to really understand and be on board with DBing. Then changed her mind and insists it's "about time" to kick him out. It's been 4 years for us, but that is still a drop in the bucket compared to 38 years.  

But I am tired. Tired of DBing. Of having to STFU unless H wants to talk to me. I need to be held, spoken to kindly, I need to feel that my H loves me, that I mean something to him besides a meal ticket. 

I guess it would be too much to hope for a ray of hope now while he's excitedly anticipating his trip to Moscow to see RT again. But I honestly don't know how long I'll be able to carry on DBing when he returns if he treats me the same or worse. If she makes plans to come here again that will be the end for me. 

[beatrice]

OK here is my take on it - and remember I am divorced so perhaps not a good example. As I understand it, even Michelle realises that DBing has limited 'success' with a MLCer. We do it for ourselves as much as for them. And as another great poster once said 'It is a fine line between being a bitch and a doormat'.

I felt that I was losing sight of me, the real me in all this 'niceness' And it is about how we feel. Some MLCers have admitted that although they liked their spouses being nice, it wasn't until the spouse said 'Enough already' that they started to shift. It isn't necessarily a wake up call to them at the time, but I think when there is finally a bit of straight talking that something goes in, even to the most deluded person.

Understand I am not saying stop DBing, but I am saying don't forget that you are a person with feelings, and a right to express them. It is better if you can do this calmly, but have you considered saying that the situation is making you very unhappy, and that perhaps when he returns from Russia you should talk about living apart? I am wondering if it wouldn't be psychologically healthier for you.

I used to think that it was better to have the MLCer in the house, and maybe in mild MLC is it OK, and I am not saying 'kick him out'. Rather talk about the reality of your situation, your own feelings, and that there really isn't a marriage right now.

If this scares you then I believe you may need to look deep within, about your fear of letting go. When you can let go it is the most liberating thing. Doesn't mean we stop caring or loving or anything. But it frees us from spouse watching obsessively, and allows us to really live our own life.

I can't tell you how long it took me to get to that point. I also believe this attitude will be helpful in any future relationships - the understanding that you do not have to persevere in a uni-directional way with a relationship that isn't working. If it is an important one, then it enables you to step back and approach it from another angle - give the other person space too. If it isn't an important relationship then it can be healthier for us to let go completely.

[Cadet]

One of my friends wrote the following piece of advice which I will quote here.

Replay cannot progress until the MLCer thinks the marriage is over and acts on that belief–though often with cycling confusion.

So I have often seen MLC'ers and LBS's stuck at a point.
And this includes myself at certain points.

All we can do is "LET GO" and that seems to mean different things at different times in each journey.

Keep peeling away the onion layers until you get to the core.

[willbwell]

so in regards to this 'letting go'...h wants D. For now, I am not saying anything. just going about my day to day. if I get served, I will have no choice. but for now, I will let h worry about D. H is mad at me that I didn't proceed with D at the start of the summer( he said that) and now here we are at the end. I start classes next week. I am not asking anything of h right now. I will do my classes and take care of kids. but, I will say, I do feel stuck...

[mizjjd]

RL,

I saw your post on Portia's thread and wanted to stop by and offer (((hugs)))

Hang in there. This has been a long long ride and you are entitled to weak days. Acknowledge what you are feeling, don't compound it by berating yourself for that feeling.

Some days are diamond, some days are stone.

You are doing great. Really. It is very likely that a change is in the wind for you, some way some how. Draw down your focus, day by day, minute by minute.

Take care.

[RosaLinda]

I'm sorry for being so whiny this morning. I get in these funks every so often. Sort of like getting thrown off the DB horse, and not really being quite sure whether I want to climb back on or not. It all just seems like too much sometimes. But I screw up my courage and take a deep breath, and go back for more

Bea "Understand I am not saying stop DBing, but I am saying don't forget that you are a person with feelings, and a right to express them. It is better if you can do this calmly, but have you considered saying that the situation is making you very unhappy, and that perhaps when he returns from Russia you should talk about living apart? I am wondering if it wouldn't be psychologically healthier for you.

I used to think that it was better to have the MLCer in the house, and maybe in mild MLC is it OK, and I am not saying 'kick him out'. Rather talk about the reality of your situation, your own feelings, and that there really isn't a marriage right now.

I can't tell you how long it took me to get to that point. I also believe this attitude will be helpful in any future relationships - the understanding that you do not have to persevere in a uni-directional way with a relationship that isn't working. If it is an important one, then it enables you to step back and approach it from another angle - give the other person space too. If it isn't an important relationship then it can be healthier for us to let go completely."

Thank you Bea. You are really a wonderful friend and mentor, divorced or not

I am letting him go Bea. As uRworthy says, I cherish my H enough to let him go with love. If he does not come back or if he does not want me when he comes back, so be it. His loss. But are you are recommending that I plant the seed about possibly living apart BEFORE he leaves?

Bea "If this scares you then I believe you may need to look deep within, about your fear of letting go. When you can let go it is the most liberating thing. Doesn't mean we stop caring or loving or anything. But it frees us from spouse watching obsessively, and allows us to really live our own life".

I am not afraid of living alone, but I do not want to. I really do not THINK I am afraid of letting go, but don't want to let him go. Is that too stupid for words? I have a large support system, including my H's family and I know I will be fine if H leaves me (after some initial hysteria no doubt).

One big problem, which I have discussed with Cadet in the past, is the new NY state divorce law. Under the new law I will have to pay my H spousal support (a LOT, 30% of my monthly income before taxes) (the rule is 30% of the larger income less 20% of the smaller income, and he makes $160 per month) if we SEPARATE. Not even if we divorce. The rule is meant to protect stay at home wives, I think, but until we divorce and he marries the home wrecking bitch, I will have to shell out that money to him.

And even if he does marry the Tramp, he will not be able to bring her to the USA. So what is the use of it all? It is all a pipe dream for the both of them Bea. Ridiculous. Totally idiotic. They are using each other. I am hoping (NOT expecting Cadet, stop swinging that 2x4 around ) that this trip will be the beginning of the end for him and RT (again quoting uR, she has quite an influence on me, thanks uR!)

Cadet "Replay cannot progress until the MLCer thinks the marriage is over and acts on that belief–though often with cycling confusion."

So I have often seen MLC'ers and LBS's stuck at a point.
And this includes myself at certain points.
All we can do is "LET GO" and that seems to mean different things at different times in each journey.
Keep peeling away the onion layers until you get to the core."

Well that is what I am trying to do now Cadet, and think I am getting the hang of letting him go with love. To Russia or where ever. But I don't think I agree that someone can't get out of replay until they think their marriage is over. That is not Wonka experienced. Or rH's H either really. I am hoping that my H's trip will shake him up some how. Maybe I'll have to take Bea's advice and let him know I am considering living apart when he comes back. I guess I should ask my DB coach about that.

WillbWell "so in regards to this 'letting go'...h wants D. For now, I am not saying anything. just going about my day to day. if I get served, I will have no choice. but for now, I will let h worry about D. H is mad at me that I didn't proceed with D at the start of the summer( he said that) and now here we are at the end. I start classes next week. I am not asking anything of h right now. I will do my classes and take care of kids. but, I will say, I do feel stuck..."

I'm sorry to hear this, WillB. That is what the vets say here - if your H wants a D, let him do all the work. I really do not think that filing for divorce is the end anyway. I think a lot of MLCers, including my H, throw that D threat around but don't file, or file and then don't go thru with it.

Feeling stuck is a horrible feeling. Do you have a DB coach? Mine helps me a lot. I guess in your case, your H is living with his OW? Is she the one pushing him for a D?

MzJ "Hang in there. This has been a long long ride and you are entitled to weak days. Acknowledge what you are feeling, don't compound it by berating yourself for that feeling.

Some days are diamond, some days are stone.

You are doing great. Really. It is very likely that a change is in the wind for you, some way some how. Draw down your focus, day by day, minute by minute"

J! I think we cross posted. I wrote on your thread this morning that YOU are a diamond! Thanks always for your encouragement. I do have these weak days, and want to give up. But giving up seems so silly after 4 years! I can outlast the tramp, I can outlast MLC, I am strong. Sometimes Now, not earlier. Thanks for your help, you are such a good friend. I think you are right, and H and I are headed into the next stage of his MLC. I am not sure what it will be, but am sure that his trip is going to change him.

We will all get through this together! Thanks everyone.