Dropping the Rope

[littleGTO]

Need a separate post for this... are you all sitting down, cause this was BIG!

H called me at 7am this morning (I was still in bed from my late night out) & S11 answered phone & said "Dad really wants to talk to you."

So, he started in...

"I want to apologize for everything I've done to mess up our whole lives...I f'ed up everything by turning to OW instead of you when I was struggling with things. I have messed up our family, our kids' future, made them go through things they wouldn't have had to by me moving out, our financial situation is f'ed up b/c of me. I'm sorry about all the hurt and pain I've put you through."

He went on for several minutes and I just listened in half-awakened shock. ABSOLUTE SHOCK at this confessions of guilt and genuine apology.

I thanked him and we hung up. I've been thinking all day "did he really just apologize for everything???"

He came over to the house later and we talked again. More about what do we do. He admitted that OW made promises (not sure what) that she did not keep (she is still M and living w her H after a year after one of them filed for D). H said he still has these feelings for her though.

We talked about child visitation/ house equity split...how that might look if/when we D.

He said filing is just "so permanent" and that in doing so it would solidify that we would not R. And, he said that he would wonder if he would regret not giving our M a second chance...to see if feelings could/would return over time.

I said for us to R the possibility of OW re-entering his life (say if she changed her mind again & decided she did want to be with my H) would have to be completely minimized (he could work in a building next door to her & see her and talk to her every day.)

And, I said that I wouldn't want to R as his "second choice" b/c OW didn't work out.

He revisited all that he thought he was unhappy with in our lives--talked a lot about how family life was so unfulfilling for him now that the kids are a bit older and don't need him; talked about how he hates going to activity after activity after activity for kids and sitting through them all or carting kids to and fro.

Then we talked about what was missing for each of us. Communication break-down, obviously. Felt family life took all of our marital time & we didn't make "us" a priority. We stopped socializing with friends (he didn't want to), and the non-sexual physical affection was missing for both of us & how we both so want that.

Anyway, we talked and listened and validated and cried and then hugged before he left. The hug felt genuine and good. IT felt like maybe he does care a little.

There is a giant mountain ahead and I don't even think he thinks it's possible (or wants) to climb to save our M. Honestly, I don't know if I do either. Not b/c of cute D'ed guy, but b/c I just wonder if I've become the WAS-- I want someone who wants me and cherishes and respects and loves me. I am enjoyed my life now w/o H, so I just don't know anymore...

I will keep an open mind and an open heart... and make no decisions now.