Still at Square One!!!

[DFE]

Thanks TTD180. Any other opinions?

[chasingpavements]

Hi DFE, I agree with TTD180.. it is possible that he was testing the waters to see how you would react. What was the dynamic between you and him before all of this? Do you normally tease and joke around with each other? It is possible that he thought he was being funny, and that he was just joking around. I understand how you would feel hurt by what he did, I would feel the same way as you did in the situation. I think sometimes the WAS doesn't realize the impact that all of their actions has on us. We are already very sensitive to everything going on around us and these kind of things make us feel worse. Sometimes I will point out to my H how something he did made me feel sad and he looks completely surprised like he didn't know it would affect me that way.

Another reason could be that he was caught up in the moment and it felt like old times for him again. I find that every so often I do something out of habit, like smack his bum when he's walking by, or calling him 'babe'. My first thought when I read your post about the kiss was that it was just out of habit, that he was used to acting that teasing way around you. He was just being playful, thing was that it wasn't funny. Try not to worry about it too much, I think it's great that you are spending time together! I don't think he meant it in a bad way at all!

Cheers, have a great week,
-cp

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with CP, my H sometimes jokes around as well and doesn't realise that things he says could hurt me. I think for the WAS it's a game to them but for the LBS we're left to pick up the pieces and the devastation that is left behind.
My H criticises me for being too sensitive. He will often joke about charging me for doing work around the house and I sometimes can't tell if he is serious or not. Last time I said "fine then, I'll do it myself!", to which he replied "it was a JOKE!". I didn't find it very funny. The joke is getting pretty old now!
I agree that it wasn't funny and it would've hurt you pretty bad I would say something next time to him and say how much it upsets you when he jokes around like that.
Look after yourself and take care, TTD180

[DFE]

H is definitely making life more interesting. That's if I had to look for the silver lining in all of this.....

He picked up the boys on Tuesday from camp and took them out. He then called and said they were coming home and asked if I had dinner for them. I did and they all came home and had dinner. As soon as he set foot in the house he talked non-stop. He wouldn't stop. As if he hadn't seen me in years.

We put the kids down for bed and I came down to wash the dishes. He asked if I wanted a drink. Kind of threw me for a loop. I said sure. He asked me if I wanted to hang out and told me if we did he wouldn't be able to go home. Would that be ok? I said sure.

He went and got our scrabble game (which we never ever play) and said let's play a game. We had fun. Like two friends. Had a drink, listened to music, and laughed. Later I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up he was on the couch ready to sleep. I got up to go upstairs and he extended his arm asking for a hug. Which I gave him. I may have even given him a kiss on the cheek. I don't remember.

The next morning he joked and laughed about how he destroyed me in scrabble. I feel he loves me and is testing the waters. I feel he is trying to put this back together but I don't want to have false hope. That's the problem with how this whole separation has gone. In his mind he may feel we are just being friends and there is no harm in that......In my mind it's confusing. So is this his way of us testing things out?

Thanks TTD180 and Chasingpavements. I didn't let his kiss joke bother me. He is always playful. This time I shocked him by actually leaning in to do it. I think next time he will think twice about asking.

[TryingToDo180]

DFE, it all sounds positive Take nothing as red yet though, remember baby steps and patience. Let him do all the chasing and you do none of it in case he backs off again. Don't be surprised if he does back off though, in his head he might still be confused and still wondering if this is what he wants. You're doing really well though, keep up the good work

[DFE]

So hung out with H and kids today. Went to the pool, had lunch, got some ice cream. I said bye to him at the ice cream store and he said does that mean I shouldn't come over? So he came over until the kids slept. He is a chatter box. Keeps talking to me about stuff. Tonight it was that we really need to start putting money in our IRA's and talking about our retirement plan. Really? Why? Shouldn't we be talking about D?

We are really good friends right now. We haven't been friends in a long time. I can't remember how long. So although I am enjoy our newly developing relationship part of me is afraid of getting disappointed. I know I know no expectations but that's a tough one.

I am keeping busy and working on me. Have read more books than I can say. My friend asked us to go to a concert. I don't know if I should ask H or not because the kids won't be there. Suggestions?

Do I continue with our relationship like this or do I start putting some distance to help me get over him? I don't want to get hurt again.

[TryingToDo180]

Just my 2cents worth, but I would still let H initiate all the moves. Your friend invited you to this concert, not H. She wouldn't expect you to invite H as well. Remember Sandi's rules, I think it says invite him 3 out of 5 times. I always tell H where we're going and let him take the initiative and ask me if he wanted to go. Sometimes I do ask him to go, but he always says he doesn't know what he's doing.
My friend asked me to come to a music festival today, I think she would've felt awkward if H had turned up as well. I told H about it on the phone tonight and said he would've enjoyed the Madness and UB40 tribute bands. He validated this and he sounded disappointed, but isn't this to show them what they're missing by not being together anymore?
Does anyone else have any suggestions? I still lack confidence in giving others advice, especially when they are getting on so well with their H. I don't want to upset the apple cart and bring the sitch right back to square one again!

[DFE]

I'm starting to feel like a doormat. I was doing so well with our situation. I was actually starting to appreciate that my H had left. He had taken the initiative to change our marriage. Fast forward a few weeks. I'm getting pretty upset. He has stayed at the house twice. We've hung out and watched TV or played games.

He joined us at the pool yesterday and we went to dinner with friends as a family. He then stuck us in the car and went to his house. That irritated me. It was just kind of like see ya later. You can take our kids home while I get to go out on a Saturday night. Unfair.

I've been thinking about our sitch a lot for the last few days. What is he thinking? Really does he think we are going to go on as friends like this? He had his parents over at MY house the other day. I emphasize MY house because he has chosen not to be here. He has his own place. Why does he feel it's ok for him to bring them here and pretend he lives here? Because I let him.

It's got to stop. I need to have a talk with him. What are we doing here? We can't go on acting like a happy family then he gets to go home when he chooses. I am not ready for him to come home now. I just need to know where I stand. I know as soon as I say it he will run but I can't do this for another year or two. My kids and I need some stability. And he needs to start to feel the reality of his decision.

I'm starting to feel like a doormat..............

[TryingToDo180]

DFE, First of all do not think of yourself as a doormat but a welcome home mat If you go to my thread there's a link there to another thread where I've copied and pasted an email I received.
Strange that your H hasn't told his parents yet. My H has been trying to get me to tell my parents for months and I've only got round to telling them. I think your H is nervous about telling his parents as he's walked out 3 times now.
I don't blame you for not wanting him back immediately, I'd feel the same Take things slowly and take every day as it comes.
I've found that my H will be fine one minute and not so fine the next, it's the jekyll and hyde syndrome I call it, lol.
My H will come here, have a coffee and we'll watch a sitcom for half an hour. Then he'll take my son out and then go back to his. Yes I know it's unfair, but at least he's spending a bit of time with you and the family. Keep looking at the positives in this sitch, instead of the negatives
You are making your home feel like a place he wants to be. You're not a doormat, I don't want you to think that!
Keep positive

[PatientMan]

Thanks TTD180. Any other opinions?

You are very much NOT detached and for some reason are letting him control who you tell about your sitch and how the story is framed.

Detach and don't let him control your actions or emotions. My guess is he is doing this because you fear rocking the boat and messing up your "last chance." Don't fear that - he's just using that to manipulate you. In this story he fears coming across as a jerk probably because he's acting like one. Shielding him from the consequences of his own actions is doing neither him nor your "last chance" of reconciliation any good.

-PM