NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks a million!

I am now LRT! After reading your posts I considered cancelling the concert W, MIL, SIL MIL friend I attended this evening but I didn’t!
Reasons: First off all I am properly the biggest Leonard Cohen fan in northern Europe and this could be my one and only chance to see him live! He was awesome! Secondly I wanted to show off the new me to MIL and SIL – I believe I did well. Finally I wanted to see how W would act around me. She was all touching and nice. I didn’t respond to her touching once, I followed your advice on the answering, I didn’t accept her invitation to meet up at her house and when we split up I gave her money for the trainticket and insisted she took them.
I am ready and I am all yours – Please do guide me as this progresses.


XW1

You asked if this would work against your goal to R. Are you referring to the ski trip or all this communication from XW1? Don't you find it rather odd that your XW has become so chummy? Has she ever invited you on a trip after the D and you and present W were together?

She has never invited me on anything like this! I don’t believe there is anything to it but I get your point – I will call her tomorrow and tell her that I won’t go. I don’t want to get chummy with her at all – I wanted to please S10. I wanted to give him a chance to have mum and dad at the same time. We D when he was 9 months so he never tried this – he talks about it a lot. I will go to the movies since I promised S10 this and then I will back off and decline invitations.

I don't trust a females who do what she's doing.

I get you and by the way I also have a trust issue around women these days

I never understood the coaches advice, but I try not to go directly against what they say. If I recall, your W's LL was PT, and she responded positively, instead of jerking away. So, look at it this way, you followed coach's advice and gave the PT and tried to make the R what you thought your W wanted. But she stuck with her decision to leave you, take the kids, and breakup the family. So now, things need to take a sharp turn.

She is PT and QT.
She did stick with her decision but I have felt the doubt in her so many times. I believe (perhaps because I need to) that these months living together has put me in a better position. I have worked myself and we have shared many wonderful moments with the children. Hopefully this will work in her memory – if she remembers.
Coach’s advice and the advice from different people in here have kept me confused. It seems like there are many different angles towards DB. I wouldn’t have been ready or able to go LRT before now…not while so confused and living together. I feel much stronger now. I feel prepared.

You are getting the shot right now! You just can't see it b/c neither of you have completed necessary steps in order for a R to be completed. We are going to work on those steps, right?

Oh, yes! I f you will guide me and lecture me on this one I promise you a capable and listening student.
You properly already knows this from following me but I do need strict rules, I need clarity, I need to feel prepared – properly like most men. I need to be able to put my tools in small boxes so I can find the right one when I need it.
Do you get me on this one?

And.....if you have no doubt she's attracted to you, it may be very soon indeed. From what I have read over the years, "most" WAW's aren't feeling the attraction.

I believe I wrote that if it wasn’t for our history….I don’t believe she is attracted to me right now but if she is not “one and gone” then I believe she could be in the future.

Well, I guess I got confused over the wording in her letter and the pre-bomb & post-BD. She is nice, she likes the PT, and is attracted to you, but writes this message that sounds pretty clear she isn't interested. Maybe I can't keep up with what's going on.

She didn’t write anything to me. You properly got confused due to my bad writing. The statements from 23. July was sayings.

Oh yeah, and men get sucked into the WAW telling them they want to be best friends and continue to do things together "for the children". It is one of the worst traps for a LBH'S who is grasping at any straw, and thinking he can be her friend and that will lead to a reconciliation. I have not seen it happen like that yet! I won't get into all the reasons right now, but you don't want to be her BFF hanging around like girl friends.

This has also gotten me a little confused. I have read many posts mentioning friendly stage but then again I haven’t kept track of how many of these that ended with R.
I won’t get sucked into this! I will be very hard on me refusing the children time with us both but I get you and I will do it to the best of my abilities.

You are in a new position now. You showed her your changes, before she left but she still chose to leave and not work on the R. From this point on, you must look at it with that mindset.

Will do!

Don't fear her getting mad, b/c she probably will, but when you do tell her this...you pick up the reigns to what you want in a future R with her. Understand? She won't like it and may spew, but that is okay. You don't have to stand there and listen.

I am not sure I understand this “reigns”-thing. Perhaps it is due to my English – I don’t know. Would you clarify for me?
I haven’t got a problem with her spewings anymore. I have left convos when she has started spewing for the last two months or more. Should I still validate her feelings?

That is another trap. Don't discuss it with anyone. If you must give an answer, simply say, "She made the choice to leave me, not the other way around. Now I move forward.". Then end the conversation right there. Refuse to listen or answer any more. She may try to have someone to intervene for her, but don't play that game.

I would simply love to give this answer – I am looking forward to doing it in fact! I have been told in here not to tell this and just to say something like “We are going through some rough times” or something like that! Is this change also due to LRT?

I think you need to stay away from your present W's relatives for a while. It helps keep down confusion, confronting nosy questions, etc.

Her cousin is a very dear friend of mine. We have discussed the sit once and then agreed to leave it be. I would simply hate to break of friendship with him. I am much closer with him than she is – I believe. I haven’t contacted her relatives but him and I won’t.
Since I started serious GAL I have made two new buddies. The issue is that these guys are both married two women from Ws mothersgroup. They have asked some questions but I do not discuss sit with them. We go to the movies, meet up for cardgame, help each other and so on. Beside these two guys and Ws cousin I see no problems in staying away.

Defriend her!

This is hard on me because this is an action. I have never defriended anybody and I don’t know anybody that has ever done that. Could this be cultural and thereby something not to do?

Make your own plans for the kids to have their birthday parties with at your house without the W..

I will do this but it will be difficult. My family is either broken up or dead – I have no relatives. I do have a lot of friends and I will start now trying to arrange something for Christmas. Birthdays will be easier since friends will attend if I invite them. This will make her spew MAJOR bolts of lightning so I will have to be prepared.

The goal is not about upsetting her, or making yourself look mean.

She will properly look at this from a different angle and that’s why the following will be extremely important.

When you do see her or speak with her, you continue to be polite and even "warmly" if possible….

Could you clarify warmly? Do you mean hugs? Not entering her house won’t come out as warmly IMO….

She thought you would continue to be her buddy while she pursued a different life. I don't think she ever thought you would cut her out of your life.

She is still living in this! I saw it tonight at the concert as I have seen it for so long!

Of course her emotions will run every which way before she starts considering moving back. Long before that happens, she will start taking relationship temperature checks just to assure herself that she still has you in her back pocket, emotionally. But, that is a ways off.

I agree! I have been following T1000 for a long time and read you advices in his thread. I hope I will be able to handle myself and reject her if my sit ever goes as far as Ts.

This will not be the easiest thing you've had to do, but I believe you will be a little surprised to discover the strength you will gain from this plan. Keep your eyes on the goal.

I will keep my eyes on the goal and I will do my best to follow through. I know there’s a rough and difficult time ahead but I also believe that if I am prepared for things to come I will cope!




I think I am starting to get the picture but I still need to get myself settled in this and that will properly take some weeks or months. As I read the principals of this I am to avoid contact if possible and if this is not possible then be nice, pleasant and attractive when I talk to W. If this is the path I will have to work a little more on my code of conduct.
Did you have any additions to my list?

I won’t initiate any contact unless urgent matters regarding children.
I will refuse any invitation except Christmas, birthdays, first school day and likewise.
I won’t answer her calls and since I don’t have and don’t want VM –she will just have to text or mail me.
I won’t enter her home
If she asks direct questions I will answer them in short sentences
I will ask her to get the rest of her belongings out of MY house
I will still be kind, smiling and nice (but short in words) when we talk
If W at some point asks me something I won’t answer until I am sure that my answer is one that doesn’t regard my wish for R
I won’t accept the key to her house that she wants me to have and I want her key to my house back.
I will remove her pictures except the one on the children’s family wall.

What about the scout-issue:

D6 is a girl scout on Wednesdays for 5PM – 6.30PM and this present a problem. Scouting is 15 min from here and this means that D4 will have to spend an hour in a car and that our eating time will be very late.
When W asked me about D6 attending I told her that this could be a problem. W got disappointed and a little angry. In fact she ended up telling me that I have to call D6 and tell her that she can’t scout because of me. (Funny when compared to the not blaming her for BD) I instantly backed out when she got angry and just told her that we can discuss this matter at a different time.

At the moment I feel like telling W that this won’t work. Dinner will be very late and bedtime therefore as well – doesn’t work on a Wednesday! What do you think?

I have read so much about validating feelings - should I continue doing this in your opinion! If she spew about me not wanting to spend time together then go: "I can see why you feel that way but....." or something like that?



Well, Sandi! Thanks don’t cover my gratefulness towards you at the moment and my English vocabulary isn’t enough – so thanks!!!!
I hope you will guide me and work with me in the time to come – I am all yours!

F