There seems to be so many people experiencing the same grief, it seems like an epidemic. I'm not sure how much I can add, except to say me too. For those troopers who want to know my story, here it goes.
My wife and I have had our fair share of challenges: stress/unhappiness at work, infertility, and being diagnosed with several potentially serious conditions. I know we did not always deal with these challenges in an open and direct way, leaving a lot unsaid. However, I always loved my wife. A commitment I repeated to her as recently as last year when she thought I might leave her (which was never something I considered).
Then my whole world was shattered this January when she said she wanted to leave, that she loved me, but was not in love with me. I asked her to reconsider, but she reiterated her intention to leave in February. The very same week she said it was over, my father passed away unexpectedly. She almost did not come to the funeral. Even though she reluctantly attended, she was more concerned with keeping her distance than providing comfort. When I returned home, she said she needed space and time to consider things, that she felt trapped. After the usual mistakes of pursuit, pleading, and rationalizing, I stopped challenging her and accepted a separation. She moved out in April. One of the worst days of my life.
At the time, she only partially moved out, taking only what she could transport in her car. She admitted she did not know what she was doing and I comforted her. She proposed we have two visits a week, lunch together and stopping by the house. I tried to be positive, not talk about our relationship, and spent time GALing (traveling, skydiving, fishing, snorkeling, and even a tattoo).
After BD, I started individual therapy (much to her surprise). I started reading all sorts of self help books. I made sure to change my interactions with her. She admitted to both me and my therapist that she has seen the changes, but is unwilling to give me a chance. After two months, she made excuses every week why she couldn't find the time to meet. (I should mention we both work at the same place, in the same department.) Since then, she has continued to decrease our interactions and increase the distance between us.
On two occasions, she opened up about issues she had kept to herself. In both cases, I was entirely to blame for her unhappiness and she admitted no fault. I was careful to listen, acknowledge, and understand without defending or rationalizing. Much of what she said suggested she had been doing extensive mind reading and score keeping for years. Ultimately, she blames me for everything wrong in her life (career, marriage, family, etc.).
Last Saturday, she tersely indicated she wanted to stop by the house (the first time in a while). I began to panic that she was ended things. Up until then, I held out hope that nothing had happened that couldn't be undone. Our visit went reasonably well, talking mostly about work (the only thing we talk about at this time). As she left, she indicated she really came down to talk about "us", but changed her mind. She was then quick to get in her car and leave without so much as a glance in my direction. I felt the inevitable had only been postponed.
Today, my worst fears were confirmed. She stopped by to "see the cat." We chatted about work. I was careful to look her in the eyes; listen without offering solutions; and validate her feelings. After a few hours, she got up to leave. I had hoped my fears were unfounded when she looked at a self-help book I had on the table and said I didn't need to read those anymore. I asked her what she meant. She said she did not intend to come back. I was careful not to cry or sob, I said I was sorry she felt that way. I said that we had something great together and I still believed that we could have that again. She started to over generalize; used terms like always and never; as well as only see the negatives in our relationship. I asked that she not close the door and that I could never go back to who I was or the way things had been. At that point she left, but I did get a half hearted wave.
I have avoided completely imploding by holding on the belief that I can only trust some of what she says; that her efforts to end it were half hearted; and that it is not over until it is truly over. That being said, I do not have to tell any of you the grief and devastation I have felt this year. Some days, I truly lose all hope.
