Interesting times

[AJM]

To this day my xh has to have it explained to him very clearly that he hurt people A LOT, and you can see he is puzzled and not faking it. I do not do this of course, but his kids do, and he clearly doesn't understand. But he used to understand. I really wouldn't have stayed with someone who had no compassion and no empathy.

And here I thought it was just me that thought that about my ex. For the record, it's MLCr's, not male nor female that exhibit this kind of long running jekyl and hyde behavior. They seem to be trying to "fix" something, but don't seem to know what or why. I describe the above behavior as having an emotional stroke - they lose what they once had in that regard. It's a casualty of the inner war, from my perspective. I think part of it is that they supress those memories to the point that they really don't know. If they didn't surpress them, I wonder what a snivelling mess they would be. That could be hard to face I would imagine. And I would guess it's not a conscious thought that causes them to do it. I think they are so in search of the answer to what's wrong, (the "why?") that they don't stop to see it or "do the work."

The similarities are uncanny in many of these situations, but then again, nothing new under the sun, no?

Always interesting though.

Honestly B, for me it finally ocurred to me (after a while of dealing with her MLC) that letting the small stuff go and not responding in most cases, works better for me. And since that's what I have to worry about in most cases (other than the kids), that works better. For me. When my ex tries to bring up little stuff, I just ignore it. If it becomes a big deal, then I deal with it then. I think in your case, your ex does want to remain in contact. Snodderly is right and it makes sense because you hold part of the key to his figuring himself out. He doesn't seem to see that, but part of him does and keeps him coming back.

People are people, and it's sad to see somebody go through this kind of ordeal. The OP knows what they are doing, but to go through with it and destroy a family in the process? That's got to weigh them down later in life. I can understand Mia's memoir in that sense. The regret of being complicit when they "see" it. In many ways I think it would be easier for them to be the second person after the divorce, rather than the OP. The stress that will later cause for them both is something I don't want, personally. The never knowing if they are doing to you what you did to somebody else? That might just cause somebody to stay in that tunnel for a very long time and avoid all of that messy stuff

Peace,
AJ