Sthelen, It is definitely NOT ok that he is having an affair. I don't think that you think little of yourself, you are just in a tough situation right now and you have a lot of history with your H, you have been together for so many years, I imagine that is why you are still holding on. For me, that is the case anyhow.
You will have to do some serious thinking about where to go from here, and what is acceptable for you. Do you have any indication that he will end it with her? If he did, would you want to stay with him? My opinion would be for you to take a long while to think over and weigh all of the options before making a rash decision. Because, in my situation, I have felt very angry at times and once I actually told my H that I wanted to separate, only to wake up the next morning so angry at myself, because I wasn't sure of my decision. Make sure that you are 100% if and when the time comes.
Take care, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I'm starting to feel like the affair is a deal breaker. The longer it goes on, the more I would feel like 2nd choice and like I was lacking self respect if I took him back.
Well that's your choice to make, but deciding to stand or not stand is no reflection on your respect of yourself or anyone else's respect for you. Marriages survive affairs all the time, I know of a few and I'm sure you do too. Personally I have MORE respect for those who worked hard to rebuild their M when their partner was doing everything to tear it apart.
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Do I really think so little of myself that I would wait a year or more for his affair to die? Why is that OK?
Personally when I see the word "wait" or "limbo" it's a red flag to me that the DB'ing message is not fully getting through. Waiting or limbo both mean the same thing, you're stuck in one spot, making no progress, waiting for circumstances beyond your control to change your sitch. DB'ing is about moving forward with your life, making changes to yourself, making yourself into a great person- a spouse only a fool would leave. It's about getting out and getting a life WITHOUT your spouse. The DB'ing idea is to restore the M, but it's done by growing and changing, not by sitting around waiting. When people see you growing, pursuing your dream hobbies and activities, making new friends, looking better and healthier while they see your husband actively engaging in an affair, well you can imagine who they are going to have respect for and who they will think is a fool.
I do not feel that I am waiting. What I mean is...it would be one thing if he decided to take a stand for his family, decide that he wanted to save his marriage and told OW to buzz off.
But that is not happening.
And maybe it will at some point but if that point is not until he's been with her a year or two and he comes back to his family just because she dumped him...would that be OK for me? That makes me feel like I would be Plan B.
I don't know. Just thinking out loud. Most days I don't think he's ever coming home, ever so it doesn't really matter.
And maybe it will at some point but if that point is not until he's been with her a year or two and he comes back to his family just because she dumped him...would that be OK for me? That makes me feel like I would be Plan B.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Not sure if you keep up with Turtle's thread, but she's a little bit ahead of you on the timeline and her H is showing hints of wanting to come back but she feels she may be done with him for much the same reasons you're talking about, she's not going to be anyone's plan B. You might read the discussion in her latest thread to see if any of it resonates with you. I bet you can draw a lot of strength from her comments, she's amazing!
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Most days I don't think he's ever coming home, ever so it doesn't really matter.
I'm in the same place with my W, I am 99% sure she will never look back. The only reason I don't walk away myself is it breaks my heart to think that there may be a time that she DOES want to come back but that I won't want her. All the pain I've been through in the last year because of BD is something I never want to visit on another human being. But if I walk away that will be it, I will shut the door on her forever.
I certainly understand your thinking about being a plan B, but I want you to think about that for a second. Is it really a plan B, or is it a realization of the original plan A that would bring him back.
He's confused, not thinking straight, thinks he has the answers, and you and he have no idea how this will play out. But I think, imho, its not that his new plan A now falls apart as much as its a realization that he had the right plan A in front of him the whole time (you), he just needed to find it again. It can take some time, maybe even more than your willing to tolerate.
I think its important that you don't feel like a plan B thou, just that your husband has lost his way. Eventually he's gonna realize you ARE the plan A, he's broken not you. Don't down grade yourself, your a great person, im sure a loving wife and mother. Sure we all need some tweaking from time to time. You work on your tweaks, and let your husband fall and find his own. You cant do that for him, or worry about it either.
I'm in the same place with my W, I am 99% sure she will never look back. The only reason I don't walk away myself is it breaks my heart to think that there may be a time that she DOES want to come back but that I won't want her. All the pain I've been through in the last year because of BD is something I never want to visit on another human being. But if I walk away that will be it, I will shut the door on her forever.
I am 110% certain he will look back...but we are still relatively young and I believe he isn't going to realize how much he regrets this until our kids are grown and he realizes how much he missed of their lives. I think he'll regret leaving me too...but I feel that is many years away. He already says he will regret this, that he couldn't have asked for a better wife, that he has issues within himself he has to address so that he is a worthy mate. I think he knows in his head he is messing up...but doesn't truly feel that loss in his heart yet.
Probably because he still talks to me daily. As of 23.5 hours ago I am not initiating any more contact at all and also not answering his calls. Going dark, I guess. Or dim. We have 3 kids...there has to be some contact.
Ugh. I just can not shake the sadness the last couple days. Even with all the crappy stuff he has done...I miss him.
My husband has totally been cake eating (calling daily to take my temperature, ask if I'm dating, etc..., still wanting sex)
and I put my foot down on Thursday. I said if he wants a divorce we have to act like divorced people. This is not what it will be like after a divorce. We need to stop talking daily and no more sex. He has a girlfriend for crying out loud! I can not respect myself for having sex with him. I was absolutely becoming a doormat to save my marriage. He was walking all over me.
And of course he said OK and I haven't heard from him since. And I'm sad that he gave up so easily, though I totally expected it.
And even though I know it was the right thing to do, I have to have boundaries...I am his WIFE not his OW, and that's how it was starting to feel...he was only calling me in the mornings on his way to work, when she's not around...evenings and weekends when I know she's off work, I don't hear from him AT ALL...our children could be bleeding to death in the hospital and he wouldn't answer. I would have to call every single one of his friends to get THEM to call him so he would answer...he does NOT answer my calls or texts, ever.
I'm still sad because it seems like those little morning phone calls were all I'm ever going to get out of him...and without that, he's gone.
But I know in the long run if I can't have him all, I'm better off with none of him. He was not treating me with the respect that his wife and mother of his children deserves.
And of course up until the very last second he has to give me that stupid false hope...the last thing he said to me was that he has a lot to think about and he will call me later. Ha! He's been "thinking" for 5 months and never gives me the results of that thinking. And he also said, "it's not over 'til it's over"
Yet he's moved out of the house, got a girlfriend and is pushing this divorce through. He has an appointment with his attorney on Thursday. Sure seems like he wants it to be over to me!
His words say he is confused and doesn't know what he wants...but his actions are going to get him a divorce from the one woman that will ever truly love him (28 year old OW is after his money, 100%) and a crappy relationship with the only 3 kids he will ever have because he is choosing time with her over time with his family and never sees his children. They won't even come to the phone to talk to him anymore and they never ask about him.
And he knows this. He will tell me this is his loss, I've been a fabulous wife, he's probably going to regret this...but he thinks I'm just going to be sitting here waiting. He makes comments all the time about us remarrying in the future, etc...
I think he thinks we're going to divorce and he can just continue to come by for sex whenever it's convenient.
It's like he doesn't want to give me up as his wife...he just doesn't want any responsibility as a husband.
Ugh. Two steps forward, one step back. I was feeling much more disconnected earlier in the week. Now I just feel discarded. He chose her over his family.
And I'm sad that he gave up so easily, though I totally expected it.