better to love or be loved?

[willbwell]

my other thread is round and round we go.
h sees no reason in delaying. says he wants to move forward with D.
I quess I will deal when those papers come. so far we have been civil, amicable. I'm not a mean or ugly person. I did say in an email to him once that I don't have to be nice to him...not at threat , just an observation.
Surely he had to tell his attorney about his affair. He's saying right now he will be fair financially. I think he's afraid I'll expose the affair( its a no-no at his job)I think he wants this D done and over with. He wants to be a free man!

[Golfgirl1]

So, what do you want? Do you have an attorney; is there a need for one? Yes, it's fine to be civil, but protect yourself. You only get one shot to do it right and then you have to live with the outcomes. Make certain you know what is "fair" and what is rightfully yours. This just may be the toughest thing you will ever go through in your life, but the other side is pretty terrific once you get there. You will find possibilities and a life you never believed could happen.

[willbwell]

I have seen an attorney but not given a retainer. I do not plan to file. h will have to do that. h and I have spoken about finances. I have copies of financials. I believe h will do well by kids. the boys have college accounts. my d is handicapped so that makes child support a little trickier. d is 15. she can stay at her school until she is 22. told h I need to start looking into and we need to discuss costs of programs after she is 22. she will never live independently.
I start classes next week( I am in a 12 month medical assisting program)have been a SAHM all these years. asked h to slow down as my classes and kids are my priority, not dealing with a D. he gets to be separated and do his own thing.

[JustStunned]

The legal requirements involved in a D vary a lot state to state, but IMO this doesn’t, retain a legal professional and use them to represent your interests, take some of the load off, and verify you are getting what you are entitled to per your states guidelines.

It is not about fighting for every last scrap or getting nasty. You are entitled to various things per your states guidelines unless you give away your right to them. Not every judge will review the details if they are presented with documents that the parties have agreed to and seem to be in order.

I sought a lawyer to represent me. At the end of our first meeting he told me two things. He would not represent me if I agreed to the document her L had prepared and he would not represent me if all I wanted to do was be nasty and contentious.

[Cadet]

so in regards to this 'letting go'...h wants D. For now, I am not saying anything. just going about my day to day. if I get served, I will have no choice. but for now, I will let h worry about D. H is mad at me that I didn't proceed with D at the start of the summer( he said that) and now here we are at the end. I start classes next week. I am not asking anything of h right now. I will do my classes and take care of kids. but, I will say, I do feel stuck...

I think the thing to do is to stay as dark/nc/dim as possible.
I agree that you dont want to help the process along.
Make him do the work, it is his divorce.

However be sure to protect yourself as necessary.
Stand up for yourself and expecially protect your finances.

Sometimes being stuck is part of the process.

[willbwell]

thank you Cadet. I trust your wise words. Here in lies my turmoil. I have stopped contacting unless about kids or schedules. We have a handicapped d and h sends texts to her everyday via my phone. I let her text back. when he calls. I let her answer.
I want to be free to take my classes without the worry of dealing with a D. On the other hand right now, I feel anything I do pisses h off. I don't want h to see me as a burden or noose around his neck. That is my impression that he has of me right now. H wants his freedom.

[BeginningAgain]

I don't want h to see me as a burden or noose around his neck. That is my impression that he has of me right now. H wants his freedom.

So him his freedom. Sometimes the grass that looks greener on the other side is full of cowsh#t. However as long as you keep your H contained on this side of the fence he won't be able to realize that and you will continue to look like the noose that his holding him back. Plus, giving him his freedom, may just give you your own as well and allow you to grow and make you more attractive to him (if that is what you want). Just my 2 cents.

BA

[BeginningAgain]

So him his freedom.

Meant to say "So give him his freedom."

[willbwell]

for my part, I feel I am giving him his freedom with the exception of D. we are separated. he has an apt. I make no demands other than continue to pay bills..I do all the kids stuff.I am accommodating to him in as far as time with kids.

BA, thank you for your 2 cents. is it possible to feel freedom without the turmoil of D?

[BeginningAgain]

When you are in the middle of everything there is always turmoil and at times the sense that things will never get better, but rest assured they do. Five years ago when my world fell apart after the bomb I could never imagine how happy I would be today. Did I try to save my marriage, absolutely. Did I succeed, no but in the process I saved myself and today I am so much better for it. It's a slow process, keep the focus on you and your kids and away from your H. Let him work through whatever his issues are. Best to you.

BA