Me 10 months on. Dark and detaching still.

[hotwheelsaust]

Then the new me does something stupid like putting up the tattoo picture on facebook and everyone continues to see the old me.

[hotwheelsaust]

So where should I go or what should I do about this pic of the tattoo and how it affected the family?
I have spoken to my oldest son so far, and explained that I am sorry it was put up, but it was not to annoy or hurt their Mum. It was as a positive statement for me to continue in life with.
Do I or should I contact the friend? Do I contact the W and apologies? Or still stay dark?
The W does know about the tattoo, but hasn't said anything to me, not that I would have expected her talking to me, with or without the tattoo issue.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

These are hard questions and I believe only you knows what is right to do, but be sure to act on thinking and not on feeling. This is a situation where you could likely tend to act on feelings so do remember the 48 hour rule!

IMO:

So where should I go or what should I do about this pic of the tattoo and how it affected the family?

What is done is done and you can’t change that! Leave it be but do talk to your sons and friends.

I have spoken to my oldest son so far, and explained that I am sorry it was put up, but it was not to annoy or hurt their Mum. It was as a positive statement for me to continue in life with.

What did he say?

Do I or should I contact the friend?

If it is a close and dear friend then I would.

Do I contact the W and apologies?

I wouldn’t

Or still stay dark?

I would


F

[hotwheelsaust]

F, the son just said it was my body and my choice. I just told him that I didn't do the tattoo to annoy his mum, nor did I do it to criticize her. I do it for me and the meaning is positive and for my future PMA. The other son I won't speak to until Wednesday.
I won't be contacting the W, decided not to do that.
Don't know what to do with contacting the friend anymore either, I have tried calling twice today. Get the feeling that the phone isn't being picked up.
It really is a hard situation as both boys spend a lot of time with the SIL and our friend, and I feel that they (the boys) hear a lot of negatives about me. I know mindreading, but I also have known these family members for near on 25 years.
I am on the downhill of the rollercoaster this weekend. Hate being in this place, trying my best to get up the hill.
I do know in the scheme of everything, this really isn't that big. Just another mistake I have to learn from.

[GALbaby]

Please don't be so hard on yourself HWA. I agree it wasn't such a big deal really. People need to get a life and not be so critical and negative, you know better than that by now and I know you can and will forgive them.

After reading all your previous posts, I can see you are in a much better place than you were when you first started out, you have learned so much and are really doing great. I feel sad that your W is missing out on getting to know you now and seeing your positive changes. Her loss! I personally can't understand the no communication road that she has gone down.

Anyway we care about you and always hoping for the very best in your sitch.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thank you so much for your kind words GALbaby. You don't realise how much I needed those at the moment. But then again you probably do. That is meant is a very nice way.

[hotwheelsaust]

I feel sad that your W is missing out on getting to know you now and seeing your positive changes. Her loss! I personally can't understand the no communication road that she has gone down.

I also have to remember (because we do forget sometimes) that the W could/is still in a very EA maybe PA relationship with this other woman.
They still do everything together, disadvantages of a small town, everyone sees them together.
I still need to remember that the W took the ring off first day of BD, moved in asap with the EA friend, hasn't communicated with me really since BD and still does strange things that the family saw and didn't like (behaviour when not with EA friend).

[hotwheelsaust]

"What I was trying to say with regards to others though, was not their faults towards themselves as seen by me, but more the way they are quick to find my faults. If that makes sense? "

Yes it does. And then you need to remember the number one tenant of DB. You cannot change others, just yourself. If that's the way they choose to be, then that's all on them. You're the one who is growing and becoming better. And it's not necessary for them to acknowledge it.

I wanted to add to this, as it still worries me about how I have dealt with the family over the years.
If the role was reversed and the W put a picture of a similar tattoo on Facebook, the family would reply with "likes" and comments. With me, everything is always taken as a negative. This is not a scorecard and poor me. No one mentioned or complained about the W changing her status from married to separated, and the same message was also sent to all friends on facebook.
Sometimes, well most times, it feels that I cannot do anything that be seen as positive with the family, it is always taken as a negative. Buy a new house, you wasted money. New car, you don't need one. Running/exercising, you spend too much time doing things. Even our last big holiday together, I got the W and I a balcony view room on the cruise, no I should have got the el cheapo room where the penny pinchers (some of the family and friends) stayed. It was ok for the in-laws to have the same room type as us, just not us.
Anyway, enough whingeing. Back to PMA and GAL's. Another gym session today (chest and abs) then a 13km run, guitar practice and relaxation. Six pack is slowing starting to appear, just got to stop buying the ice cream when it's on sale.

[RockJC]

Nothing wrong with a little ice cream.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi HWA, I've read some of your threads. I can't read them all as it would take too long. Anyway.your sitch sounds a lot like my sitch. Going back to your W's letter in your last thread, my H is saying the same that he knows I love him but I didn't show him.
That friend that deleted you on FB - I know this is something you don't want to hear but I don't think he wants to talk to you anymore. I know because this has happened to me. I would now go dark on your friend as well and see if he contacts you.
With my friend, it was weird and I don't know to this day why she deleted me and blocked me on FB. All she has said was that she was friends with both of us and she doesn't want to be in the middle of all this. She won't be in the middle of it as H never contacts her and hasn't done since we split up. She never answers her phone or texts to me and today I saw her at this Church Fete. It was very awkward for me as she was obviously avoiding me, so I just ignored her.
Like you I feel that my H is never coming back and he's made his decision. I'm giving him time and space to sort through this, however long it takes. I'm hoping it won't take longer than a year, I'm going to review how I feel after a year and then I may give up. That is not to say that I'm not doing my own thing, GALing or DBing. I'm always doing something and I'm never in! One thing that my H hated, but I've not really 180'd this one.
Oh yes and the other similarity is how the family have treated you. My family is exactly the same. The other day my mum asked me how H is getting on with his new business. I said very well, he's got lots of work in at the mo. She then said it's a pity that he can't do work at our house isn't it? When he didn't have a job and was working on the house, she'd find something else to moan about him. I've not yet told my parents that he's left me as I know their reaction will be negative and I can't cope with that as I still want to get back together again. I know that if I did tell them and then we got back together again, they'll make our lives a misery!
I could go on about my family but it's your thread and I feel like I'm highjacking it. I just wanted to point out the similarities between your sitch and mine. I just found myself nodding and agreeing with you on everything you said about the family. My MIL thinks that my parents have contributed to H wanting to leave me.