I have been reading these forums for MONTHS, gaining insight and help, but never feeling brave enough to post. Tonight, I am so confused and hurt and need some advice specific to dealing with a MLC spouse. I found out about my H's EA back in October, 9 months ago. I was devastated. We'd had our problems, but I never doubted that we would always work things through or that he loved me. We got married when we had our first child and our marriage has always been a little stressful due to that. We have four kids now that we both love dearly. Things were pretty normal until my H lost his marketing and sales job of 13 years back in 2008, and was out of work for two years. We eventually filed for bankruptcy to save our house, and then ended up losing our house anyway. Through all of that, he was fine...handled it all pretty well. Then, last year, he started getting angry about everything. Nothing I did or said was ever right and I was to blame for everything, deserved or not. At one point, he said he was just going to start doing what he wanted to do, when he wanted to and that he didn't care what I thought. (Thus, the EA, I guess) I almost left him when I found out about the EA, but stayed for our children and because I still love him. To this point, I don't have any concrete evidence of a PA...just the EA and lots of online junk. When I found out about the EA, I did all of the WRONG things: snooped, checked phone records, cried, pleaded, screamed, begged, and generally, made H think I was crazy. All of the things that DBers aren't supposed to do...I did. With horrible results. By January, I was convinced he was definitely leaving. He got a separate bank account and a second cell phone, etc. Somehow, I found my way to this site, and have been changing the way I do EVERYTHING since then! So, we've had a lot of growth and positive changes. I've done a lot of 180's that seem to be working, and I have realized that I had a lot to work on within myself to be a better wife. The problem is that after the roller coaster ride these past few months, things get better for a few days, then come crashing down for no apparent reason, I have realized (after reading over on the MLC board) that my H is a classic case of MLC. We just celebrated our anniversary, had a great weekend, then today, for no real reason, my husband started calling around to see how much an apartment would cost him because he thinks he just needs to move out. I don't get it!!! We weren't fighting and I was trying to do my DB stuff and with no warning, he's back to wanting out. Seeing all of the research he did into finding an apartment after the wonderful weekend we'd had just simply knocked the breath out of me. I feel like everything I've done to this point was wasted. I am a better person, a better wife, than I was a year ago...but he doesn't seem to care. And, when I saw the apartment stuff, he told me to not be concerned about it...he was just bored. ARGH! I hate mind games! I'm not sure why I'm even posting this as I have no definite question to ask. I've just really appreciated reading the forums (am getting one of the BOOKS with my next paycheck)...and just feel lost. Also, there is little or no affection from him unless he wants to get lucky. I need that affection from him, and hope that it will help us stay close, so I give in...but now, I just feel a little used and pathetic. Any ideas on how to not let his MLC hurt me so much?
I am glad you are posting and suggest posting on MLC forum also. There are no easy answers, but if you are feeling used and pathetic, then I suggest you might not want that affection from him, for now. There are some special prices on coaching available, which I would be happy to discuss with you...it would be incredibly helpful to have even 1 session. Take good care and download the first chapter of Divorce Remedy.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
You've taken the right step. You're in the right place as you already know from all the reading you've done.
A few tips - although I'm no vet by any means - definitely get hold of Divorce Remedy. No more snooping - it doesn't help, and probably make things worse.
You and your kids have to be your focus now. You can't do anything to change your H, and if he is MLC he may or may not even realize how hurtful he's being. He's not capable of thinking straight right now.
You have to decide not to take everything he says personally. My H is most likely MLC, and has done some really stupid and really hurtful things lately, but I've tried not to take it personally. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be quick.
Continue with your 180s, get some GAL activities - some on your own, some with your kids, keep reading other threads, keep posting even if its just to vent on a bad day or just to journal. You're not alone, and you'll get lots of support on this forum.
Remember this is not a sprint, its a marathon.
Stay strong and keep posting.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Thank you both! I have considered the coaching sessions and may look into that more.
And thanks for the good advice and reminders. It helps to remember that this is a marathon. Just this evening I was feeling pretty sad at how distant my husband seems...it helps to get on here and find support.
I need to be stronger in doing things for myself (and my kids). I worry and wonder and stress about what he's thinking. How do you make yourself understand that you can't control the outcome of all this?! I drive myself crazy just thinking about the whole mess. I KNOW I need to stop worrying and thinking about it, but have such a hard time actually making myself stop. Ugh.
One of my H's complaints in the past was that I didn't initiate affection/intimacy enough. So, even while DBing, I've been trying to do that more (he's still at home) and it was going okay. However, a few days ago, he said that he was getting irritated because I'm "trying too hard" and because he feels like I'm making changes so he'll stay, not because I want to make him happy. To me this is the same thing...so any suggestions on what he means by that?
When he said I was trying too hard, I backed off completely and have been giving him lots of space...but now, he's upset because I'm "ignoring" him. I need some suggestions on finding the right balance of detaching. Do I keep my distance for now?
I am so confused and don't want make things worse!
