Dropping the Rope

[littleGTO]

Thank you, everyone, for the good advice. I will take time with what each of you said--your perspectives are invaluable!

longrun- Thanks for the "DBing master" comment! I have come a long way but it does feel like I am at some sort of crossroads.

ruby- you make me LOL! Concerning the "missing the kids" comments my H made...in the same breath he said, "Is running the kids around to all their activities and watching them all there is in life? Is this the mundate life I have to look forward to?" He might miss them but he certainly doesn't want to be a fully invested parents in their lives, as they are now. Sad, but true.

AS- Thanks for your comments and perspective. I do feel in a position of power...over my own destiny. I appreciate your viewpoint about cute D'ed guy too. I already have taken H off the pedestal I had him on for so lone & have recognized him for who he is and who has been.

BTW- cute D'ed is texting me now...will probably be asking me to come over in a minute...I will probably say yes.
But, I do know my boundaries with him too! So, I'll post more later.

[littleGTO]

PS- What trap?

SP-What would you personally be thinking about what AS said?
I don't think H has any intentions of R. His is miserable in his loss of his fantasy R w OW, so he is not thinking about what a terrible, horrible mistake he made in having this EA in the first place...and what has he done to destroy the life he had in the meantime.

Tori--If I had to answer now, I would still say I'm done..but I wouldn't say 100%-- I will keep an open mind and an open heart-I value my family, I valued my M as an exclusive R before God, and a I value my true friends. My heart can only belong to one man and it no longer belongs to my H...it just doesn't. But, I cannot say that it is completely impossible for that to change.

Time will tell.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow lil turtle, you really have come a LONG way, and grown A LOT.

I'm impressed with how you handled your conversation with H. DB master for sure!

So the Q to you is:
1. What are your values.
2. What is your position about this M?
3. What would it take for you to not be "done"?

It's important you answer these questions to know what to do next. If you are really done, continue the meetings w the mediators. If you're not sure, wait and let him initiate any D proceedings and continue DBing with a open mind.

Hope this helps.

R w cute neighbor? Not a good idea in my eyes. But again, only you know what you want and what you need.

^^^Like.

You're still married so why would you have OM? My concern is that people end up using the confidence they get from OP as a crutch to help them be strong when dealing with their S. So what have they really learned? That they need someone else to make them feel good about themselves and their life?

To me, this is a big mistake, because when that new relationship fizzles out you're back to square one.

Could you have conducted the same conversation with H if you didn't have OM in your life? I hope so.

You've come this far and grown a lot. Know that you don't need anyone else's validation or attention to be happy. Be strong on your own.

[LBH_LC]

Well said, ForeverYoung.

[tori2012]

Yes, FY. Great advice!

[labug]

Like!

[littleGTO]

Okay, thanks FY, I appreciate you checking in with me! I'm going to get ready for some 2x4's here, but I'm ready.

Went over to see cute D'ed guy last night. We played Yahtzee for stakes. (yeah, my idea.) Good conversation and lots of flirting, for sure. First 2/3 he won--got to choose between dinner (me make him dinner some night) or hug. I choose both & gave hug then & there. Very nice.

Second 2/3 he won again...choices were cookies (I had made him cookies earlier in the week & he loved them) or a kiss. I chose to a kiss. It was very, very nice...5 minutes nice!

But, we stopped and somehow we got onto our boundaries (which I thought long and hard about between last visit and this)--told him intimacy (for me) had to include emotions and he told him he just wanted to have fun (& seem to respect my boundary) right now..and would that work for me?

I said I think we are on the same page right now. I enjoy talking to him and flirting with him. I know...give me the 2x4's, but I am going into this with my eyes wide open. Doesn't mean emotions won't get involved but I am aware.

[Positivespin]

GTO

The trap I'm referring too is that's it's very common to see folks around here get a few vibes of regret or sorrow from their spouses and they immediately think the their spouse is sending a signal that they want to come back.

They speak of not mind reading. Yet when it can be spun into a positive narrative in their mind they go all in.

Each one of these current board members got ran over by their spouses just recently. They threwGAL out the window and went running back. I

I have no idea where your husband is at in his head, hell even he doesn't. Just please keep doing what your doing because these steps are what have helped you come so far and may be making h have second thoughts

[littleGTO]

Need a separate post for this... are you all sitting down, cause this was BIG!

H called me at 7am this morning (I was still in bed from my late night out) & S11 answered phone & said "Dad really wants to talk to you."

So, he started in...

"I want to apologize for everything I've done to mess up our whole lives...I f'ed up everything by turning to OW instead of you when I was struggling with things. I have messed up our family, our kids' future, made them go through things they wouldn't have had to by me moving out, our financial situation is f'ed up b/c of me. I'm sorry about all the hurt and pain I've put you through."

He went on for several minutes and I just listened in half-awakened shock. ABSOLUTE SHOCK at this confessions of guilt and genuine apology.

I thanked him and we hung up. I've been thinking all day "did he really just apologize for everything???"

He came over to the house later and we talked again. More about what do we do. He admitted that OW made promises (not sure what) that she did not keep (she is still M and living w her H after a year after one of them filed for D). H said he still has these feelings for her though.

We talked about child visitation/ house equity split...how that might look if/when we D.

He said filing is just "so permanent" and that in doing so it would solidify that we would not R. And, he said that he would wonder if he would regret not giving our M a second chance...to see if feelings could/would return over time.

I said for us to R the possibility of OW re-entering his life (say if she changed her mind again & decided she did want to be with my H) would have to be completely minimized (he could work in a building next door to her & see her and talk to her every day.)

And, I said that I wouldn't want to R as his "second choice" b/c OW didn't work out.

He revisited all that he thought he was unhappy with in our lives--talked a lot about how family life was so unfulfilling for him now that the kids are a bit older and don't need him; talked about how he hates going to activity after activity after activity for kids and sitting through them all or carting kids to and fro.

Then we talked about what was missing for each of us. Communication break-down, obviously. Felt family life took all of our marital time & we didn't make "us" a priority. We stopped socializing with friends (he didn't want to), and the non-sexual physical affection was missing for both of us & how we both so want that.

Anyway, we talked and listened and validated and cried and then hugged before he left. The hug felt genuine and good. IT felt like maybe he does care a little.

There is a giant mountain ahead and I don't even think he thinks it's possible (or wants) to climb to save our M. Honestly, I don't know if I do either. Not b/c of cute D'ed guy, but b/c I just wonder if I've become the WAS-- I want someone who wants me and cherishes and respects and loves me. I am enjoyed my life now w/o H, so I just don't know anymore...

I will keep an open mind and an open heart... and make no decisions now.

[ForeverYoung]

Well, at least now you understand why H couldn't give up his OP. All the addictive chemicals our brain produces when we are in a new relationship demand that we return for another fix. This will last for 6-24 months. The question is, then what?