"XW1 has been very communication and yesterday she went completely ballistic. She invited me to join her and S10 on a short skiing trip right after new-year. I believe she is just taking advantage of the situation and that she only wants S10 to have us both around him now that this is possible – but still it is a peculiar situation. I said thank you and that I would consider this. We also – on S10s initiative – are going together to a movie on Monday."

You asked if this would work against your goal to R. Are you referring to the ski trip or all this communication from XW1? Don't you find it rather odd that your XW has become so chummy? Has she ever invited you on a trip after the D and you and present W were together?

"I see I have pursued but for the last months the pursuing has been for me! I needed to feel that I had given things a shot! I do get your point! I don’t believe that I have pursued her daily or even weekly but rather in certain situations"

I had to smile a sad little smile, b/c of the difference in men & women's thinking. Of course the pursuing was for you! Isn't it the nature of men? That is why it is so easy to fall back into pursuing behaviors, even when the H knows nothing else to do. Isn't that what you men see as working the relationship? It is how you guys see "taking a shot at it". That is why men feel they are doing nothing when we tell them to stop pursuing. And it really didn't matter that you weren't doing it every day or in certain situations. It was still pursuing in the eyes of your WAW. However, now you have decided to stop all pursuing, and that is a good decision.

"I have followed my DB-coaches advice and this could come out as pursuing. I have had doubts about this touching-advice for so long but everybody has told me to go with it!"

I never understood the coaches advice, but I try not to go directly against what they say. If I recall, your W's LL was PT, and she responded positively, instead of jerking away. So, look at it this way, you followed coach's advice and gave the PT and tried to make the R what you thought your W wanted. But she stuck with her decision to leave you, take the kids, and breakup the family. So now, things need to take a sharp turn.

"What I fear is to make mistakes in all of this. I want a shot at R badly and therefore I want to do what’s right! I am realizing that I have to do good for me first and I am doing this. This is also what gave me my confidence back. "

You are getting the shot right now! You just can't see it b/c neither of you have completed necessary steps in order for a R to be completed. We are going to work on those steps, right?

Remember how different men & women are in relationships. He doesn't listen until she drops the bomb b/c she feels done........and what does he do? He is suddenly wide awake and committed. It seems rather difficult for him to get the timing right. So I understand you don't want to mess up the chance to reconcile, and that is why I hope we can help you see what you do during this time of separation will affect how quickly she moves back. And.....if you have no doubt she's attracted to you, it may be very soon indeed. From what I have read over the years, "most" WAW's aren't feeling the attraction.

"I haven’t pursued sex after BD even once. I haven’t tried to even kiss her. This was prior to BD. I pursued her then and I believe her statement refers to that and how I have been able to live without sex for five months."

Well, I guess I got confused over the wording in her letter and the pre-bomb & post-BD. She is nice, she likes the PT, and is attracted to you, but writes this message that sounds pretty clear she isn't interested. Maybe I can't keep up with what's going on.

"Playing family! See, I didn’t realize this was cake-eating. In fact I thought I was doing the right thing but I do get you just never looked at it this way."

Oh yeah, and men get sucked into the WAW telling them they want to be best friends and continue to do things together "for the children". It is one of the worst traps for a LBH'S who is grasping at any straw, and thinking he can be her friend and that will lead to a reconciliation. I have not seen it happen like that yet! I won't get into all the reasons right now, but you don't want to be her BFF hanging around like girl friends.

I've got to finish up for tonight b/c my hands are really hurting. Besides, I think I am saying stuff I've already been over in the last post. think your goals are fine. I will try to answer your questions tomorrow.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!