One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[T1000]

I have to admit that I probably would not be able to have the patients you have with your W. Especially considering how extreme she gets. One week she is saying you can't have the kids every weekend (which nobody believed a word of it), and before you could wink, she has changed her mood.....which for her means she chanes her mind/decision. One day she is wanting another baby, the next she's calling you b/c she can't endure taking care of the two kids she has.

I agree that a lot of women are mood driven. I believe there are a lot of unfortunate decisions made based on the mood at the moment. I agree about needing to be heard. I have to talk it out in order to deal with my feelings.

But I still think your W is too much! I really don't know how you have stayed sane through the time you've been with her. One thing you should realize above anyone else is not to take what she says as her final word or decision.

Is she easily influenced to change her mind by other people swaying her? Not you, but friends, etc.

I wouldn't say she is easily influenced by anyone.

I do find the shift in decisions to be frustrating at times. Especially with me being such a black or white person too.

I would love to see some consistency in her.

[Fartiltre]

T,

I haven’t been around that much since you are way out of my league but now I do have a few questions. You do not need to answer but do give them one of your bright thought’s.

I would love to see some consistency in her.

How was her consistency prior to BD number one?

Is your Black/white overly interpreting her sayings that could be grounded in a behavior of expressing sudden feelings and thoughts?

You haven’t met her stated needs for ML - could this be a reason for some confusion and thereby her seeking to put a little pressure on you and thereby her changing behavior.

Could she in general be searching for a trigger to push?

How is she doing on the alcohol - this could influence shift in behavior and statements.

What are you planning on the ML and touching?

All the best!

F

[T1000]

T,

I haven’t been around that much since you are way out of my league but now I do have a few questions. You do not need to answer but do give them one of your bright thought’s.

I would love to see some consistency in her.

How was her consistency prior to BD number one?

Hi F, thanks for dropping by.

Tbh I would say her consistency has always been poor. At first I never really noticed it behind the rose tinted glasses and we were in the honeymoon phase.
When we get on/got on well her changes never affected me and as a result never really bothered me. When we didn't get on they all affected me.

Is your Black/white overly interpreting her sayings that could be grounded in a behavior of expressing sudden feelings and thoughts?

I read this last night before bed about 4 times and I couldn't understand the question. What a difference a few hours sleep can make.

It could be, it's hard for me to say for sure.
She is always, definitely, never, forever but can easily change.
I'm maybe, probably (something I have been working on), yes or no and it has to be something pretty big or special to change my mind.

If I try to look at it from the outside I do think she is at one end of the spectrum and I'm at the other.

When we used to be getting ready to go out, if it was very stressful (kids) she would easily just say she wasn't going. I don't know whether it was really too stressful or she did it for effect or a bit of both.
I know that last Saturday when she had her SB wedding none of her family were interested in helping her get ready (she was a bridesmaid) or the kids and she was picking her family up and driving them all there.
It got too much for her and she told her mother she wasn't going and within 10 minutes her mother was there giving her a hand.
I do believe she did it to get help but she would also I have given up with it all being too much.

You haven’t met her stated needs for ML - could this be a reason for some confusion and thereby her seeking to put a little pressure on you and thereby her changing behavior.

I think she is either adding pressure or frustrated so she is pulling back a little bit.

Could she in general be searching for a trigger to push?

It felt a bit this way when she mentioned about not sure if she she should date other people. The thing about her changing her mind so easily it could be trying to push a trigger it also be her thinking it won't work because sat in the hospital with earache, on her period after a stressful day with the kids and myself anything else is better.

I think if I'm there she relates the problems to me. That is me mind-reading or just showing my weak side.

How is she doing on the alcohol - this could influence shift in behavior and statements.

When I was there she had a bottle. She said she see's it as a mini holiday when I'm there and she wouldn't normally have wine during the week. I know she has a little lager bottle with her dinner some nights.
She said she rarely drinks at home anymore. If she is drinking she goes to the pub with friends.
I have noticed that I never see wine bottles by or in the trash anymore.

What are you planning on the ML and touching?

All the best!

F

If the date goes ahead on Sunday I will grab her hand as we leave the house or cross the first road and slowly do more as the evening goes on.
I'm open to ML whenever it happens. If the evening ramps up suitably enough it could be on Sunday if not it can wait.
I don't think I/we should rush but I don't think I should be avoiding right now either.


After reading all this back W does appear very controlling. I believe part of the problem is that I have let her get away with it in our R with my lack of confidence.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I just read this entire thread ... Thanks for posting. I am on a similar roller coaster and reading other's situations is very helpful. Good luck!

[labug]

Just catching up, a lot happening. I thought it was funny when you said initially R just flow, they aren't work...and then you end up here. All R are work, once you get out of the la-la land. It's thinking that they shouldn't be that gets us in trouble.

Seems that you're doing OK. Still trying to mind read a bit, and making up stories about why she does what she does. Talk your talk (boundaries), walk your walk (values), it'll fall in to place...or not.

"One question though...how are we H's supposed to have any idea on where our W's stand on the subject if it's always that flexible?" It's not necessarily flexible, most women process information in a way that's different from men. A different part of their brain lights up. Just listening is a good start. If it's a problem don't offer suggestions on how to fix it. Asking questions is always good for finding out information from your W. Validating is also important.

Good luck, T!

[T1000]

Thanks bug.

When I was talking about R just flowing I meant when you first meet. If I started a new R with OW, at the start it would be very easy compared to repairing things with W which as I know is challenging.

[T1000]

I asked W yesterday if she had sorted a sitter out for the evening.
--------------------------
Me: You sorted out a sitter for later?
W: As in tonight?
Me: Yes
W: I'm heading round to my mom's at 3 so I'll ask then.
Me: Any chance you could find out earlier so I know before I set off?
W: Why? What time you setting off?
Me: Sometime between 3:00 and 3:30.
W: Just wait til 3.30pm. She sounded like she was in a mood on the phone earlier. Just give a chance to go round at 3and butter her up.
Me: OK. Soon as possible though. I don't want to put you on my naughty list unless I have to.....or unless you ask.
W: Looool I'll head there at 2.30
Me: Theres a good girl.
Me: I'll find someway to get you on it.
W: Looool

An hour later…

W: She is in a foul mood....I dont dare ask her.
Me: Ok

--------------------------

Obviously she hadn't done anything prior to the conversation and it was turning a bit serious so I lightened it up a bit and I think it worked.

I was annoyed that she had left it so long to ask then didn't manage to sort anything out. I had sorted out my clothes and mentally thought about it a few times with the affection etc.
Lesson in expectations received!
I decided that rather than have a go at her for failing to sort anything out with plenty of time to do so I'm gonna let her worry about organising the time we spend together for now.
If she wants it she will have to put some effort in herself.
No point in me having a go at her. She's not going to suddenly try harder if I do. She needs to want to herself.

Got to W's house. W was very nice to me, asked me if I fancied staying for a bite and she hadn't eaten in case I wanted to.
I said yes I would stay for a bit.

We put the kids to bed and chatted on the sofa about the weekend and she read out questions from her Psychology magazine (what are your guilty pleasures/What is your best trait etc). When she went to check on S3 I had a quick look at the magazine. I noticed one of the questions was "What was your earliest childhood memory?"
W stopped before that question and said that was all of them. It didn't click until on the way home that she stopped at that question. W has had a rough childhood and her earliest memory was her feeling abandoned by her M.

I noticed some flowers on the table:
Me: Were them flowers there when I walked in?
W: Yeah.
Me: Never noticed them. Who are they from?
W: I don't know, I thought they might have been from you. It just said from an admirer on the card.
Me: I guess I could claim that I did send them then.
W: (Laughs)
Me: Lucky you.

This would have bothered me a lot a while back. Not so much now. I would like to be in a position to send W flowers but that isn't now. This "admirer" has done nothing except show he can buy flowers and not own up to it, but that's his problem not mine.

We had a chinese and chatted at the table. W mentioned about us going on vacation, her cat living with the two cats at my house and other such things.
Again, a while ago I would have had hearts fluttering out of my eyes at such comments. Now I just think, one step at a time, this is just talk.
At one point she adjusted her seating position and I nearly got an eyeful. I asked if she was wearing an underwear, she said yes and pulled her dress up to show the waistband of her thong.

There was very little to no opportunity for any affection. I was interested if she would initiate the hug we have been doing when I leave.
As I was leaving I didn't initiate and W said:

--------------------------

W: Do you want your friendly hug?
Me: (Laughed) I will go and get your parking pass out of the car.
W: OK.

Instead of waiting on the step like she would normally she backed into the hall.

(Got the car pass)

Me: Gave her the pass.

Turned around to leave and she looked disappointed.

Me: What's up?
W: I want a hug.
Me: You want a hug, you can have a hug.

Hugged W, towards the end I ran ran hand down her back onto her ass.

She stepped back, shocked. It was half smile, half couldn't believe I did it.

Me: Just checking you were still wearing underwear.

I turned to walk off.

W: Cheeky!

W smacked me on the ass as I walked off.

W: Text me when you get home.

I turned with a sly smile.

Me: Will do.

W giggled.


--------------------------

Considering the date never happened and W got flowers from an admirer I was very happy with how it turned out. No affection but enough cheeky/flirty bits for now.

[labug]

If she wants it she will have to put some effort in herself.
No point in me having a go at her. She's not going to suddenly try harder if I do. She needs to want to herself.

Good stuff! And you could have validated her trying, even tho it was last minute. She knows her mother and maybe that was her best chance to ask. Do you think her mother has ever validated her?

If her mother is her only choice of sitter and you are aware of the unstable R with her mother and why it's that way, maybe you could help her come up with other solutions for sitters. Brainstorm.

[T1000]

If she wants it she will have to put some effort in herself.
No point in me having a go at her. She's not going to suddenly try harder if I do. She needs to want to herself.

Good stuff! And you could have validated her trying, even tho it was last minute. She knows her mother and maybe that was her best chance to ask. Do you think her mother has ever validated her?

If her mother is her only choice of sitter and you are aware of the unstable R with her mother and why it's that way, maybe you could help her come up with other solutions for sitters. Brainstorm.

At the time I was disappointed that she has had over two weeks to set this up and she hadn't. I didn't think to validate. She did seem sorry that she couldn't arrange one.
It's either her M, SF, S or maybe a friend unless we pay for one.

Her mother would validate her on the small stuff. Annoyances, not feeling well etc.
W has brought up issues about her past like drinking and abuse and her mother just says that's how it was. No validation.

When W brought up post-natal depression her M shrugged it off and tried to pretend it didn't exist.

Their R is fine right now.

[labug]

Their R is fine right now.

I would guess that's not true under the surface but I'm not there. Encourage her, show approval and validation, give her something her mother doesn't/hasn't.

Can the 2 of you come up with other ways to have a sitter? Pool your money?