NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

You and your wise post have kept my head spinning but I have reached a conclusion and if you will back me up on this one I will go all the way with it!

F, has it crossed your constant wheel-turning brain, that you did a lot of the pushing away after the BD? Do you know why she got fed up? I'm not talking about anything before BD, but afterwards, you pushed and kept pushing. We tried to tell you to back off and that you were pursuing, but you would say you were "trying". You're a nice guy and I don't want this to sound harshly, but honestly, you are still pursuing to a point.

I see I have pursued but for the last months the pursuing has been for me! I needed to feel that I had given things a shot! I do get your point! I don’t believe that I have pursued her daily or even weekly but rather in certain situations. I have followed my DB-coaches advice and this could come out as pursuing. I have had doubts about this touching-advice for so long but everybody has told me to go with it!
The above is not a defense it is just to give you my point of view and I definitely see that I have done a lot more pursuing than LRT suggests.
I will never look at your texting as harsh – to me it is caring and LBHs (like me!) needs to rough words to comprehend and even then we don’t.

You really have no doubts that she would be attracted to you today.....if not for the history? My, but that almost sounds like a confident man! So why the fear? Yes, history can be held against the LBH, but it can also be a plus for the LBH. She's the mother of your kids, after all.

No doubts! And yes: My confidence is back!
What I fear is to make mistakes in all of this. I want a shot at R badly and therefore I want to do what’s right! I am realizing that I have to do good for me first and I am doing this. This is also what gave me my confidence back.

I remember how you didn't understand why she was leaving b/c you had such a great R. That has to count for something. Besides, you've heard about women changing their minds!

When we met! The last months or years have been rough and ending with me withdrawing prior to BD.
Nope, never heard of a woman changing her mind ILU, IDLU, D, R … and then all over again – firm as a rock!

What does the IDLY stand for? I do love you or I don't love you? I'll take a guess. Look, she was trying to be nice as long as she was living in the same house with you. She probably didn't want any fighting and wanted to get out being "friends".

I agree and also knew this when I initiated. I do think I even posted this before I initiated but I needed to do this for me. When I look back at this in years to come I want to be sure that I gave her every chance possible. I know this properly isn’t wise – also knew this when I did it.

What does she mean by given you everything you wanted? I understand what she means in the second sentence (which is another reason you shouldn't have pursued sex). What exactly does she mean in the third sentence? If she's referring to you standing up and not letting her use you......then, good.

I haven’t pursued sex after BD even once. I haven’t tried to even kiss her. This was prior to BD. I pursued her then and I believe her statement refers to that and how I have been able to live without sex for five months.
I believe she is referring to me standing up! I have done this every time she touched a boundary of mine and quite firmly!

Are you referring to sex?

Nope, I was referring to our R in general and the statements I got on 23 July.



CAKEEATING
I haven’t helped her! I did once help her shortly with her new budget but realized that this was wrong. Otherwise I haven’t done anything for her but one. Playing family! See, I didn’t realize this was cake-eating. In fact I thought I was doing the right thing but I do get you just never looked at it this way.
I agree on your statements about this!

Yes, hope and patience. Hope....while you go on living. Patience.....b/c it may take her two years before she comes out of this. And I'm not trying to kill your hope by telling you this, but I want you to realize what could be ahead.

I do realize this and at the same time there is nothing I can be sure of. I also realize that this goes both ways! I will keep on working me and keep on developing me, my values, my boundaries, my GAL and at the same time I will realize that she can meet OM tomorrow or I can meet OW. My goal will be R until something else tells me to go in another direction to pursue happiness for myself and my children.
You can’t kill my hope – only I can do that! But you can make me realize what lies ahead. I believe I already do!


Well, I will change my path but for me to be successful in doing this I need strict goals and rules of conduct and I hope you will help me on this one:

GOALS:
Keep, update and evaluate a list of goals and 180s
Continue journaling in here
Get my business situation and thereby income stabilized.
Get my medical issue solved and possible go through surgery
Fix my home
Work my 180s
Try to follow thoughts – being more spontaneous.

KIDS
When kids are here – Focus on them, by:
No work when they are awake
No long phonecalls
Doing at least one thing out of the house with them, when they are here for weekends.
Involving them in daily life like cooking, cleaning etc. and accepting that this will be on their timeframe

ME
When alone focus on me by:
GAL
Work my goals
Exercize
Sleep

W:
I won’t initiate any contact unless urgent matters regarding children.
I will refuse any invitation except Christmas, birthdays, first school day and likewise.
I won’t answer her calls and since I don’t have and don’t want VM –she will just have to text or mail me.
I won’t enter her home
If she asks direct questions I will answer them in short sentences
I will ask her to get the rest of her belongings out of MY house
I will still be kind, smiling and nice (but short in words) when we talk
If W at some point asks me something I won’t answer until I am sure that my answer is one that doesn’t regard my wish for R
I won’t accept the key to her house that she wants me to have and I want her key to my house back.
I will remove her pictures except the one on the children’s family wall.



QUESTIONS:
Any adding’s, comments or suggestions to the list above.

1/
Prior to BD I withdrew and went silent. Do you see this as a problem or do you believe that she has seen the changes? MWD seems to suggest not going dark/dim if this is an issue and I believe it is!

2/
What do I answer if she ask: Why don’t you call back? Why don’t you want to talk? Why don’t you accept my invitations?….and likewise. I see this coming and would like to be prepared!
Should I just go with: Well, I don’t feel like doing it and if she ask why just back off immediately and tell her that this is just how I feel.

3/
I also believe she will involve others when I go dark/dim and that I might get the same questions from her family or mutual friends. How should I handle myself and how should I answer if this happens?

4/
What should I do about FB. I don’t use FB more than once or twice a month but should I defriend her and if so what about her family and mutual friends?

5/
How should I handle myself around XW1 – please read my previous post about her acting’s.

6/
How do I get looks and words like Rhett Butler
Just kidding! I have made major changes already and feel good. I am not Rhett but F will have to do for the moment.



Sandi – Thanks a million once again! I hope you will help me in the time to come.

F