Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

Well....its been a while since I have posted.
Not much to share I guess as far as progress...it seems that things have hit a big pause.
I have been laying low since getting into a little hot water of sorts with contacting my step son and nephew for a lunch date after the family had returned from camping.
We had thought that we had permission...or at least I had thought that my step-son had given his mother a heads up...but it didnt happen that way and later that same evening she texted me to inform me that my privileges had been revoked for the remainder of the summer, as for the lunch dates, sleep over’s, activities, or any other contact was off limits for the remainder of the summer.
The boy and I communicated one last time that evening talking about how unfortunate the situation was and that we had to respect the law of the land, even if we really felt we didn’t deserve the punishment handed out..it was still her call.
Too bad….the boy later became so upset that he basically ran away for about an hour or so to cool off and really freaked his mother out.

I had one small conversation the next day with her in an little attempt to clarify that we both didn’t know that she didn’t know, and that it didn’t make any sense that we/I would (mainly me) jeopardize any of the progress we had just been getting since the end of school and beginning of summer…..I know that I should have double checked, but honestly I thought she already had gotten a heads up from the boy, and it was only lunch….

Anyway…it came at the back end of what I had thought was the beginning of some progress as to the ex contacting me w/o provocation as there had been a slew of texting back and for the previous week about running the local 5k’s and an out of town race I did with the dog….as well as her informing me (keeping me posted on her cardiac condition) her having to now where a monitor for the rest of the month to get some readings on her heart rhythms

Its now been a month since we chatted….and I am in no way going to attempt any contact…but I was just starting to do some pondering about the upcoming anniversary date of our divorce, and our wedding later in the end of the month.
We divorced a year ago Aug 22….and our anniversary is Aug. 27th (would be 8 yrs)
Have to say…I’m a bit moody….and emotional as of late….my head seems to still get stuck in a few too many what if’s!
I just came from a golf outing today at a course where my ex and I play just this past father’s day and we had a blast….but then again, I wrecked that day by over thinking, over reacting, and really feel I blew a huge opportunity that night by not staying relaxed…..basing my reactions on how much fun we had together.

I understand that it’s not about the fun times….or the attraction…..or the comfort levels we have for each other.
It’s all about trust….it’s all about how much pain I caused her to feel in her heart….and that wound still needs time to heal.

But if anyone has a few comments or suggestions on anything…I’d love to hear them….just need a little spark to kick me into another gear.
Thanks