Figuring out the old and new life

[DaddyLongShanks]

FY, I find it very helpful to read your posts and see your perspective.

If I am able to help anyone on their journey I am delighted. So many here have helped me so much.

I've learned there is no magic answer to fix the sitches we are in, (doesn't mean I've totally given up looking!) but this board is certainly the best guide I have found.

There is a magic answer.

It's respect yourself. Don't lie to yourself and be truthful to yourself.

Distance yourself from people who can't do that for you.

[Verum]

Mostly though, it's because of what I see she is going through. I have compassion for her because I know how badly she is hurting, struggling. She's not trying to hurt me, just doing what she feels she needs to do for herself. I really feel this is true for most MLC'ers.

FY, I think this is so true. I really do not think my W is trying to hurt me either, or hurt our children. I do think my W wills herself to not acknowledge how her actions hurt those closest to her. In my switch, I think my W avoids thinking about how her actions hurt our 3 girls. She is gone so much, and after the past year my girls have started to comment about it. Yet, my W will downplay it. I think she does realize that her actions hurt the children who she loves, yet if she acknowledges it, then that would require her doing something about it. And she doesn't want to do anything about it.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi all, and BOO!

I went on a ghost hunt tour with lil sister last Saturday. I never was a believer, but she had an encounter a few years back that I found quite compelling, especially coming first hand from someone I trusted. Anyways, we enjoyed a few chills, and at one point almost busted our guts laughing! We may do another ghost tour.

W is nearing the final deadlines for her big work projects. Staying late every night, working weekends. She is holding up quite well... in the past this period was always very hard on her. Like every year, she's planning a fun event for her entire department once the projects are completed. Thanks to me, it may be a ghost hunt tour this year!

Last night W gets a msg from GF: Come to our usual club and meet new BF!
W seems almost giddy and goes. Tells me all about it afterwards and shows me a pic of the 3 of them. (arm in arm, BF in the middle)

It seems she may be living vicariously through these other people. ...Fantasy new life, without leaving the security and comfort of the old. Funny thing is, I've never held her back from doing things... and still don't.

I told her "Isn't it great how we can just get up and do things with others on a moments notice like you did tonight?"

She said "Yeah, but I never would have gone in the past"

She's got to figure out this whole new life thingy. I wonder how long it will take and if I'll still be there when she does.

Thanks for following.

[lionhrt]

Hey HY,

I think that she continues to tell you about these things is great and agree that the fact that she can do this with the security of the old is good. It sounds like she feels safe keep telling you things and its good you are not judging, making comment etc. I think the longer this goes on the chances of her moving out become less and less.....until she tires of this 'fantasy life' which she will do eventually and starts to look back and realise you aren't the problem.

Keep going buddy. It all sounds positive in my opinion.

[Wendylon]

I'm so impressed with you, ForeverYoung. You have so much staying power and stamina.

Do you feel that you could keep on going like this for a long time? It sounds as if you don't imagine yourself in this sitch indefinitely. I guess we never know what will happen. At any rate, I'm full of admiration for you.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks rky, I'm glad you think my sitch is positive. The only way W is moving out is if mr unbelievably wonderful appears, or I mess up big time. She already knows I'm not the problem, but is also still convinced she can never feel any "passion" for me.

To be honest, for quite a while now I've felt that I'm more likely to end this than she is.

I'm so impressed with you, ForeverYoung. You have so much staying power and stamina.

Hi Wendy! ^^^Why does everyone keep saying this? ^^^

I feel like I'm only doing what any loving spouse should/would do. We've got 34 years standing along side each other, you don't just give up on that.

Besides, I know she is in depression and pain. I can't bail on her... yet.

Do you feel that you could keep on going like this for a long time?

Most of the time I do, but I also have moments where I feel disrespected and like I could tell W what time it is.

It sounds as if you don't imagine yourself in this sitch indefinitely.

Nope, and W has been made aware of this.

At any rate, I'm full of admiration for you.

You know, at a time when W offers very few WOA this always is nice to hear! Thanks Wendy, and continued best wishes to you and your family.

[RosaLinda]

"The only way W is moving out is if mr unbelievably wonderful appears, or I mess up big time. She already knows I'm not the problem, but is also still convinced she can never feel any "passion" for me. 

To be honest, for quite a while now I've felt that I'm more likely to end this than she is."

Sounds like you're doing pretty well FY. The ghost tour sounds fun but I guess you didn't see one! I saw one at the hospital once. Crazy!

So GF has a new BF! She sure gets around. Not the 65 year old guy I guess? I think it's good for your W to have some fun and excitement living vicariously thru GF's adventures. Much better than acting them out herself. 

I've been spinning a bit with my H's conjugal visit to Moscow looming in two weeks, and the vets have been giving me pep talks about truly letting go, becoming detached, letting my H go with love. 

We lived rather quietly side by side like "friends" like you and your W for the first 3 1/2 years of this. He had EAs but no PAs. I felt, if not detached, at least resolved to letting him live out his changes he needs to go thru, and not get in his way. But it's harder now knowing he will physically be with RT for a whole month. 

I know your W's actions still hurt you sometimes. Do you think you are detached FY, and  if so, how did you accomplish it?

[ForeverYoung]

So GF has a new BF! She sure gets around. Not the 65 year old guy I guess? I think it's good for your W to have some fun and excitement living vicariously thru GF's adventures. Much better than acting them out herself.

 

New BF is about 50 (or so) so the same age as GF. He is a cardiologist, D for 5 years and has kids. (all grown I think) W forwarded a song to GF that they both thought fit him. It’s a country song called “I’m still a man”. GF asked W to find her an “I’m still a girl” song. It’s all very exciting.

Hey, I’m still a man too!

I believe GF is in crises mode herself. How could she not be? She's 50 years old, was married for only one year, has no kids, and is still in the dating scene. One of her most noted comments: “I need to stop surviving and start living”

I keep hoping that watching and living GF's life will eventually cause W to wake up to all she has, and has had. But then, she's already acknowledged that she had a good life... but it wasn't good enough because she was never really attracted to me.

I know your W's actions still hurt you sometimes. Do you think you are detached FY, and  if so, how did you accomplish it?

Like you, I only detached as much as I needed too, and I think this is wise. We really do need to maintain our connection with our spouse as much as possible, at least until that no longer offers hope. Detaching is for us. If we’re coping fine on our own, and enjoying our life, then we’re detached enough. If things change, we may find we need to detach more... or less. I still say it is a dance that we must tailor to our present sitch.

Lately, I’ve been discouraged realizing that W really did not love me all these years. Yes, she showed me love, but it now seems it may have been just an act. She never really loved herself, she was just “surviving”.

[reachingHigher]

Lately, I’ve been discouraged realizing that W really did not love me all these years. Yes, she showed me love, but it now seems it may have been just an act. She never really loved herself, she was just “surviving”.

You do know, of course this isn't true, right? And you all got M so young, how does a 20 year old know what love is compared to a 50 year old?

My H also said he never loved me. I even went back and looked at our wedding album at his face in the pics. Was he just pretending? No, my heart told me, it was real.

And your W's love and companionship for you was real too. Real and solid. But she is confused now, and searching and doesn't feel like she wants you to be a solution for this part of the equation.

But, really, FY, if she really wanted to leave you she would be gone. She has the financial resources sounds like. You all won't have child support as part of the D procedures. Is she afraid of what her dad would think? The whole family?

She knows you will always be there. So this is taking so long. I'm so sorry. It i don't want you to think her perception of the past is accurate. She is looking at it through her pain and maybe she is being like the dog that bites the hand that feeds her.

When H & I were headed for D last fall I was a friend for him but detaching. He was undeniably attracted to me but standing firm in his "I'm never coming back,". It's a push-pull. It's awful. But it happened and propelled him to finally seek help -- call a doctor, go on AD's, delay the D, allow hope in his heart.
I feel like a broken record saying these things but I want people to know it can happen. People can choose to work on themselves and get help. And M's can be restored.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks RH, I hope you are right. I just know W was broken since childhood, and never loved herself. Always had a social anxiety, disliked being around others because she feared judgement. This caused her to cling to me (and me to her) and avoid social interaction.

Can you say stagnation?

Of course that's all changing now, and she's coming out of her shell and reinventing herself. It's no wonder she doesn't want me, I represent the old her she's running from.

Yes she does have the $$$$ to leave. She's also spent time figuring how others would take the news of her leaving. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is really a MLC. Most MLC'ers don't care about their reputation or if they hurt others. Maybe she's a sensitive MLC'er?

He (H) was undeniably attracted to me...

I wish I could say that about W.

With all that's going on in your life, you are so kind to hang out here and help us all. Thank you so much, RH.

-----------------

So, sometimes we fret too much over our sitch, (I'm looking at you RosaLinda) and that's where I am right now. Time to exit the MLC museum and put the focus elsewhere.

Construction at work is winding down, I'm hoping to offer my TKD class again real soon. This class has been my favorite GAL by far.

I also signed up for a new online course, (my 4th since BD!) It's called "get funny" and teaches us how to be funny. So if I ever made you spit water, (I'm looking at you uRw) you might want to make sure to swallow before opening my posts.