Moving forward together from a mess

[makingmagic]

hi cbt... I like what uRw says... I usally do!

patience, patience, patience...right?

I am being challenged by it too. It is my weakness!

hope all is well, otherwise.

magic!

[cbtdad]

Thanks Magic! I'm taking one day at a time.
AS, we are certainly not on the same page and it showed up Saturday night.
We were outside talking, just having some drinks and relaxing. All of sudden she got up started walking inside and said, "lets have sex"
I was surprised, but wasnt really.
I go into bedroom and she is already undressing. I do the same. We hop into bed and I start caressing her body. My wife is probably a 9 out of ten and she turns heads whenever we got out. This was my first time caressing and naked with her "new breasts"
You would think I would have been turned on, but I was not. I had been turned for the past few months when she would change, when she lets me rub her leg, etc
But here I am with the both us in bed and ready to go and I couldn't "perform"
That had never ever happened in my life. She asked if I had to much to drink. I said, "maybe, I don't know. I'm sorry"
She got up and said she was taking a bath.
I felt so bad. Honestly, I think it was a combination of drinking, nerves, OM, etc
I am usually turned on by turning on. W clearly wasn't turned on and at that moment I thought about a text W sent OM that I saw weeks back which said, "it's sad that I can only get off thinking about you"
So of course I started thinking bad thoughts and it was over for there.
About an hour later I walked to bedroom and just said, "is ok if we discuss this tomorrow" before I could even finish she said "i don't want to talk about this right now"
I said, " I agree. Lets talk about it tomrorow"
Well, I tried to talk about it the next day, but she wasnt ready so I didn't push it.
I have not bought it up sense as I am seeing MC this afternoon individually and figured I would discuss this with him before I brought it up again.
Since Saturday night I don't get turned on looking at my wife like i was before that incident. It's like I'm afraid to approach now and not be able to "perform" again.
I am so embarrassed by all of this. Anyone who has any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

[MrBond]

If your W is serious about Piecing, then she needs to let you talk. It's not all about her, it's about you now. If she continually brushes you off, then she's not serious about you and your needs. She's still making it all about her.

[cbtdad]

I agree Bond. Thank you
This is something that she has to work on. She grew up with a "silver spoon" in her mouth. She is extremely selfish. She has gotten much better over the past 2 months, but still very selfish

[makingmagic]

WOW... sorry to hear this cbt.

Presssure everywhere...

This is tough at every level. Sorry to hear this.

((hugs))

Magic

[cbtdad]

So W woke up this morning in a good mood I guess. She instigated sex. That hasn't happen in a long time. This time around no issues;)
Both of us saw MC individually this week and we will see him together Tuesday.
After that session EFT couples therapy begins. MC says we have a very good foundation to build from.
W and I found a house here and have a purchase agreement on house. Looking forward to the next chapters of our life together

[MrBond]

She initiated which is a great sign. Keep it up.

[cbtdad]

Tonight and I guess tomorrow morning is my first big test of patience and not getting angry. Actually I am more disappointed than angry right now.
Here's the story. W is out tonight with her new friend. Her new good friend actually, who she happened to meet thorough the OM. It's her friends birthday tomorrow and she wanted to take her out to dinner. No problem.
But just like I thought would happen. Because this friend lives about an hour way. Same town as OM by the way. W friend calls me up and asked if W could stay out there so they could go out. I told her, "it's your birthday you guys have fun. I was expecting W to stay there anyways. Just have W call me later"
She says she called me before W even said anything. Still not sure if I believe that. Anyways W calls like 5 minutes later and asks if I'm going to be upset.
I said, "I'm not thrilled about the idea, but I'm not pissed about it. You are an aldult, I am not your mom, you do what you think is best"
She resounds, "I promise I'll make it up to you." i said, "goodnight, have fun and please be home by 10am, we'll talk about it in the morning"
I thought I would be angry about this, but I'm not. I'm more disappointed and hurt.
I've already journaled some about this so I could prepare to talk to her about this in the morning.
I've clearly said to her on multiple occasions before and since we have moved up here that I would not be comfortable with her staying in that part of town for at least a few months. It's been less than a month since we moved.
We have also discussed over and over since we have been piecing that nothing good happens after midnight. We lived by this rule the first few years of our marriage. There is no reason to be out past midnight unless we are together.
I think the what upsets me the most is a golden opportunity comes up like this to show me how serious she is about working on this marriage and she doesn't even hesitate. Stays the night anyways.
I definitely didn't want to come off as the bad guy on her friends birthday so I wasn't going to seem unhappy about it to the friend.
On top of it. I was anxious all day because wife went to a horseshow the entire day where OM friends and family would be the whole day as well.
Our MC, in city before we moved, final words to me were, "Cbtdad remember that God is trying to teach patience through this. This is your biggest lesson right now"
I believe her now. Patience, patience, patience!!

[T1000]

But just like I thought would happen.

I think the what upsets me the most is a golden opportunity comes up like this to show me how serious she is about working on this marriage and she doesn't even hesitate. Stays the night anyways.

Something I'm learning right now. Don't expect anyone to share your standards. They are yours, hers are hers.
To you it's a golden opportunity to show how serious she is about working on the M.
To her it's a golden opportunity to enjoy herself with her friend, hopefully with your blessing because she doesn't want to upset you.

You say you knew it would happen. Does that mean you could have brought it up beforehand? It's not nice but in a way you set yourself up with an expectation that you knew deep down wouldn't be fulfilled.

Looking back with it being her friends birthday and you knew this would happen you could have told her how you felt but if she really wanted to stay over this time it would be OK.
You express how you feel, she hears you and is grateful of your trust and understanding.

Obviously it's easy for me to say that, sat here and not in your position.
Just something to think about.

[lovethehub]

CBT,

I can understand your frustration with the situation. I do. Think W should have called herself before having friend call. All I can tell you is how I felt when H and I were first trying to R after my affair - I wanted thi fa to work but Inwas not ready to give up some of the fun I had rediscovered during my A and in the 6-12 months following. I am not sure of your pre-BD specifics any longer, or why she felt the need to have an A, but for me it was years of loneliness and feeling like I was existing my way through life. Once I had the A, and started going out and hanging out with friends again, some of whom I spent time with with OM, I didn't want to give it up. I felt like H was asking me to stuff myself back inside a box and I couldn't do it. It created huge problems in our M, he would talk about his needs and how I wasn't meeting them and I would silently wonder why he thought his needs were more important than mine. I would agree not to do what he asked (stay away from a specific bar - the only one I went to and not stay out late) even though I knew I couldn't meet that at the time. I agreed because I wanted our M to work. I knew I couldn't meet his need because I felt I was finally being fulfilled. You need to discuss ways for BOTH of your needs to be met. Maybe next time, they could party in your town. You can tell her "I know you want to go out, have fun and stay until you are done. I want you to have fun, however, I also need to feel safe and trust you, what if X comes here Nd the. If someone needs to spend the night she can stay here".

Give options before assuming the worst or letting it cause problems in your M. I know this is a tough situation, you just need to remember that your W has different need than you do, different ideas on any given situation and wants to make sure you aren't going to hold OM over her head forever. I know LBS's will look at it differently and I could always be wrong about what is going on in her head, I just know how I felt when h and I tried to R.