I'm confused. I think I need to talk to a DB coach or something. I feel so desperate, needy, and I can see that I am slowly starting to demonstrate some of those behaviors. I need to step back and reread Sandi's rules. I so much feel like confronting my wife and this guy. Arrr.. I know nothing good will come out of it. I hate Thursdays as I know she will be with the OM all this evening. Scream.....okay, I will write later. Too sad that my mind is not thinking clear.
Just read your entire thread tonight. I guess you might say I'm a bit of a vet now??? Been DBing well over a year and understand very well what you are going through.
My H is in a long-time (2 year) EA w OW from work. Interestingly it has not ever been a PA.
Anyway, I know the hurt and pain you are going through right now. It is hard to live with them while the A carries on. BUt, it is part of her journey that she feels the need to experience.
It is awful, I know, but you need to start focusing on YOU, taking care of your mental health. GAL when you can (I know life is busy). Exercise helps MANY of us here--I know it has literally saved me at times of great stress.
I pray for you. Take one day at a time and try to find a small joy in each day.
- turtle/ GTO
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Some latest developments and my thoughts. This week has tested my inner strength and my faith in God. It has remind me that prevention is the best policy but despite our mistakes, we are only responsibility for our actions and no one else. This means I cannot control or make another person love me no matter how bad I miss or love that person.
My wife or soon to be ex wife as I am now beginning to have to accept, was on the phone today talking to OM and did not realize I had come home from work. Basically, she told him that she wants to marry him, that he is the love of her love and that she is scared. She also told him that she might be pregnant. I listened for a little while and then slipped outside before she realized that I had heard.
At this point everything I do must be to protect my daughter and myself. Saving my marriage is no longer a priority (although true DBing is about saving yourself). I am afraid my wife is so deep in the fog and brainwashed with this guy that I anticipate her getting nasty in the next few weeks if she really is pregnant. If she is not, that is better but I feel I must now take precautions. First, I am going to speak to a lawyer to get legal advice regarding custody, the house, etc. Secondly, I am going to hire a PI to gather evidence of the affair. I hate doing this but I have to protect my daughter and myself. My daughter is going to be devastated and that is what hurts the most. I don't care if my wife wants to hurt me but to have my daughters dreams crushed hurts more than words can say. She was so happy the day my wife and I got remarried and for this to happen now is nothing more than tragedy.
I have to assume the marriage is dead. I want it to survive and I am willing to work reconciliation even if she is pregnant, but I do not expect her having a change of heart. She is hurting, she is scared and she is lost. This OM is telling her everything she wants to hear and she is buying it.
My action plan is to gather evidence from PI and speak to an attorney while still pretending I don't know anything around my wife. After enough evidence has been gather, I am going to write my wife a letter telling her that I love her and that I know of the affair without getting specific. I will tell her that she will either have to quit her job and leave the OM or I will get a divorce. I will tell her that I love her and that I want to make our marriage work but that I cannot tolerate this.
At this point, all I am thinking about is my daughter and how I can protect her. I am afraid but have to stay strong for her. Any advice here? Should I go completely dark in the meantime or just continue to do my 180s? I want to save my marriage but I feel like things have just gotten desperate and I want to protect my daughter above else. She is already crying to me at night how she misses her mom and how her mom doesn't spend time with her anymore.
Basically, she told him that she wants to marry him, that he is the love of her love and that she is scared. She also told him that she might be pregnant.
Wow, sorry to hear of this latest development!!
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Secondly, I am going to hire a PI to gather evidence of the affair. I hate doing this but I have to protect my daughter and myself.
Check with the lawyer first. Many states are "no fault" divorce states now which means that the court does not consider evidence of an affair. If the state you live in is "no fault" then you'll just be wasting money on the PI.
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At this point, all I am thinking about is my daughter and how I can protect her. I am afraid but have to stay strong for her. Any advice here?
Yes, first, remember your D loves BOTH of you. Protecting your D does NOT mean keeping her from your W. I'm sure you don't like the idea of D being around OM, but you shouldn't try to keep your D from your W. Also, constantly emphasize to your D that the sitch has nothing to do with her, that both of you love her very much (yes, DO tell her that your W loves her too). Kids have a tendency to blame themselves for things like this even if they don't say it out loud. I remember my S10 (9 at the time) saying through tears that it was his fault W left because he did something to make her mad (and he mentioned something from like a year before). It broke my heart. After that I reaffirmed to him on at least a weekly basis that we both loved him very much and would both always be there for him and that our sitch had nothing to do with him or his sisters.
It's easy to put our kids on the backburner because we are suffering so much and we're just trying to salvage ourselves from the wreckage, but they are quietly suffering too.
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Should I go completely dark in the meantime or just continue to do my 180s?
Both. 180's are about making yourself a better person. Going dark is about removing yourself from your W's storm.
at this point, do you think I should go ahead and give her the ultimatium/confront her in a letter once I talk to the lawyer and have the okay? I'm really scared.
at this point, do you think I should go ahead and give her the ultimatium/confront her in a letter once I talk to the lawyer and have the okay? I'm really scared.
That is totally up to you, if you follow DB'ing then you will just ignore all that and continue to work on yourself. She's on her own journey and there's nothing you can do to help her, to speed things up or to change the outcome. But if for you the pregnancy (if she is pregnant) or continued A is a deal-breaker then proceed with the ultimatum. But the fact that you're scared makes me think you should give yourself some more time first, that's a decision you want to make with a cool head, uninfluenced by your emotions.
Regardless, I still think you should consult a lawyer to explore your options, find out if you're in a no-fault divorce state, and find out what (if anything) you should be documenting about your W's activities.
Thanks AnotherStander Knowing that she is sleeping with this guy is a deal breaker for me, especially now that she is talking marriage talk with me. You are right, proper DBing would just ignore all this and continue to work on self. I am going to talk to the lawyer, give myself some more time to cool my head and then I will make a decision on the next course of action. Even if she was pregnant, I would want to make this work but she believes that I will always be there for her and I need her to know that I need to setup boundaries and self respect if this is to work out. I fear it might be too late.
You must understand that giving her an ultimatum will not save the M. If you are telling her to leave b/c of your personal boundaries that have been violated and b/c you refuse to live in an open M, then fine. But not for one second think it will scare or pressure her into giving up OM and stay in the M. Ultimatums are not the tools to use to save the M.
I will give you my personal feelings about it. I believe the WAW has to experience or see a loss due to her behavior. I believe if shenthins the H has "dumped" her b/c ofnher adultry, he would stand a better chance in R the M. MWD will not give you that advice. However, she does say that if the S refuses to end the A, to get a lawyer and file for D. (a lot of people seem to miss that sentence in her book.)
Get yourself together, get a lawyer's legal advice, confront her with your knowledge of the A (don't ask her questions, just tell her you know about OM), and tell her she has xx amount of time to find her another place to live (providing she doesn't own the house where you are living), and tell her you will not live in a M that has a third party. You make sure you are prepared emotionally and mentally for this confrontation. Have no expectations. Lay it out and leave it with her. Do not have an "in-house" separation! It will not have the same results. You must tell her she has to leave the home, b/c of the A. If you can't handle knowing what she's doing, then staying under the same roof in some type of in-house S will be much worse than things are now. To her, it would be the same as you knowing about the A and tolerating it.
You better be sure you can stick to it. Along with confrontation, your self-respect will probably rise a bit and you may feel a since of relief getting the truth out in the open. It is a way of picking up the reigns and being in more control. In many cases, if the WAW believes the H is dumping her b/c of the adultery, it will jolt her out of the fog and she will make an about face. But she won't do it right that moment. Certain things have to transpire first.
There are several things to consider. Is the OM married with children? If so, he may not be receptive to her news of wanting to get M and being scared she's pregnant. He may turn tail and run. She may use the pregnancy scare to pressure him. He may wonder if it's his baby. Your ultimatum could result in her running into his arms (but she's already there emotionally), but depending upon OM....they may or may not make it permant. That is why you must do it based on your boundaries, and not as a technique to break up the A.
Don't use an ultimatum as an emotional reaction and b/c you don't know anything else to,do to stop the A. You have only one good shot at it, so make it count. Don't use threats. Don't scream or cry when you tell her. Be confident and speak with assurance. Talk in a low voice, but very firmly.
Have everything set in place. Have it planned. Do not do this when you are reacting and upset. That is very important.
Make sure this is the route you want,to take. Once you do it, the worse thing would be to back down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The OM is not married and does not have any children. He lives by himself. Kicking her out of the house would be difficult as the house is in both our names (although the mortgage is only in mine).
I overhead an interesting conversation my wife had with OM (she is getting sloppy in hiding). She was laying down her bed talking to OM when I overheard her telling him that "she wants her marriage to work. That she has a daughter and has known H for over 10 years." I couldn't tell what his response was but I step out of the room before she noticed I was there. She did go "walking" this morning again with him so obvious she was to still be connected with this guy somehow. I might need to rethink this ultimatum/confronting her. Obviously I want to make my marriage work but I do not want this to affair to continue while she is under the same roof as I. I know that there is a lot of trust issues between she and I do to the mental abuse I gave her earlier this year. So she feels safe to talk to OM rather than to me. I need to show/demonstrate to her on a daily basis that I am a person that can be trusted. I will still speak to an attorney but will need to pray/really think/plan before I do anything else. My wife obviously has feelings for this guy and I'm sure she is torn apart on what to do. She needs to get out of this fog and there is nothing I can do to speed that up.
