Still at Square One!!!

[chasingpavements]

HI DFE, I know what you mean by feeling like a doormat! I have that feeling all the time. I am constantly nice and pleasant to my H. His LL is Acts of Service so I often go out of my way to do nice things for him. And then he is still nitpicky and complaining to me all the time over small things here and there that I am doing wrong.

I think it's possible that your H has a lot on his mind right now. Perhaps he is, like my H, taking time to think things over and confused over what to do. I think my H is depressed and constantly worrying and thinking about things, and it leads to him being distant and making harsh comments here and there.

Was your H upset because you didn't tell your friends that you were separated? And then he feels uncomfortable? What does he want you to tell your friends? If that is the case, you could try having a talk with him later and validating his concerns. As in, who out of your friends should you tell these things to, and what should you tell them. Perhaps that would put his mind at ease.

By the sounds of it, for the most part your H is friendly and wanting to spend time with you and your family, which is a good thing. If it was over for him, I don't think he would be wanting to spend so much time with you.

[DFE]

I don't think H is done with me either. I still feel like we love each other but I am afraid I am setting myself up for disappointment. We are definitely very friendly. We are able to talk to each other unlike we have in a long time.

I too feel if he was done with me he would just move on. He spent the night last night. The same thing happened last time we separated. He started spending the night little by little. I am hoping we are moving in the right direction but he keeps insisting we tell people. I know this isn't a sprint it's a marathon but I just want a little glimmer of hope. Just some sign that he may want to give things a try.

[TryingToDo180]

I get that too off H, about getting close but then insisting that we tell people. None of my family know about us yet as I know they will judge and the door will be shut as far as they are concerned. They will never accept him back into the family again. My mum always talks negatively about him anyway and that's before she knows!!
I think that when they get close, but then insist that we tell people it's like they are trying to convince themselves that their M is well and truly over. Either that or what they are really saying to you is - I know I'm getting closer to you, but don't think I'm moving back in.
Anyway, it all sounds positive to me and like you said it's a marathon not a sprint Hope he continues to move forward

[MileHigh]

My wife just said she needs me as a friend right now and she likes doing things with me (she invited me to a movie tomorrow - first thing we'll be doing together in weeks), but she had to temper that with saying that nothing has changed! Then she went quiet for a day.

I think she scared herself. It's probably very hard for them, when they start realizing they miss some things in a R they've been escaping from.

Baby steps!

[chasingpavements]

My H freaked out when he found out that I had told my neighbour about us possibly separating, he has only told his brother so far. I was confused because I thought if we were separating why wouldn't we start telling people? Especially our neighbours, as they would start to notice things. Well, I guess it turns out everything is not always black and white with this sort of thing.

I found that whoever I told about what was going on was very supportive. For me I also felt a bit of relief in telling a few people. I was surprised when I told my neighbour about everything and we ended up talking a fair bit, when normally we wouldn't talk about that kind of thing. We often just sit on her front porch and talk about how things are going. Of course, be prepared to let people know if you are not ready to talk about things yet, or that it's a private matter.

It is up to you to decide if and when you are going to tell people. If you are a private person you might feel that you don't wish to tell anyone right away, and that would be understandable.

Perhaps your H just feels uncomfortable because he is not aware of which people in your life know about your situation and it catches him off guard.

[TryingToDo180]

My H knows that I'm telling people, but he wants me to tell them that we've grown apart. Well he might feel like that, but I don't and I've told him so! He doesn't want people to think badly of him and wants to stay friends with them. Well it doesn't work like that, not since the latest escapade! He told someone we know that we'd sorted it all out and we were both very happy with the sitch. I soon put her right Stupid man!

[DFE]

This is a very strange dynamic. H took boys out boating today. I was so sad I started crying. I was missing one of the their firsts. Their first boat ride. H text me pictures of them on the boat and I text back saying wish I was there with my boys. I feel he has robbed me of spending time with my boys. I am the only one being excluded from their plans and it [censored] because I didn't ask for this.......

We all went out to dinner tonight with friends. H assumed he was invited too and I told him he could come. At the end of the night he put the kids in the car and kissed them goodnight. He came to my side and asked me if I wanted a kiss goodnight as well. I said pucker up give me one. He started laughing. I said who are you scaring? He walked away laughing. I was just joking of course but I would have kissed him if he was serious :0

Is he trying to drive me insane? I'm confused about where we stand. I am in limbo. We go out and have a great time. We joke and are friendly. The kids have a great time as well. Yet he wants to run back to his house.

Mile High....I understand them needing a friend. I want to be that friend. What bothers me is am I being used to ease his pain. To make his transition into his new life easier?

Chasingpavements....I feel like the less people that know the better. The more people that know the more opinions I will hear.

[TryingToDo180]

DFE, I'm sorry to hear you've had a bit of a rough time With regards to telling people, it's ok as long as it's the right kind of people. I try not to tell everyone I meet, but I tell the ones that I know are going to be supportive. Not necessarily on my side, but ones that want to see us back together. I can't stand people who I've told that say things like I'm better off without it or I'll meet someone better than him one day. Those people I've started to smile sweetly to and move on. I used to argue with them at first, but I don't anymore.
At least you go out with your H, my H just doesn't want to know. I'm lucky that he'll sit with me in public lately! That was a nasty joke he played on you about kissing you. I think he was testing the water then to see whether you would still kiss him. I would say next time, no you're ok and laugh.
This limbo time is not funny. My IC was talking about it yesterday to me. I've forgotton what she suggested now, lol. It couldn't have been that good! See my counsellor, although she's good to talk to doesn't follow the DB principles.
Anyway, Hope you have a great weekend Speak soon

[DFE]

Can anyone tell me what his joke about kissin me was about? Is he testing the waters or trying to drive me mad? It's like he's playing mind games with me but yes not that type of person. He's got to know that it gives me false hope. Any thoughts?

[TryingToDo180]

I think he was testing you to see how you would react. He wanted to see how much you've really moved on or if you'd still kiss him if he asked. That is just my HO, I might be wrong about this. It's the sort of thing that my H would do. Personally as I've said before, I wouldn't show your H any emotion as regards to touching or kissing. Wait until H has moved back in or you start dating again before you accept any advancements. Let's see what others say first though